On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Jenny went straight around to visit her grandmother. When she asked her how her grandpa died, her gran explaned. "He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Jenny suggested that shagging at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble.

"Oh no," her gran replied, "we had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church bells - in with the ding and out with the dong." She paused and wiped away a tear. "If it wasn't for that damn ice cream van going past, he'd still be alive."

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict on you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man,thinking that the daughter must be pretty pld as well, and entered the house.

Over dinner the daughter cames down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as well, as she couldn't keep her eyes off of him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone.

During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. Near dawn, he quietly crept back to his room so the old man wouldn't hear, exhausted but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read:

"Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's easy," he thought, "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have that much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw it out. As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read:

"Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic, he looked down and noticed the rope that was getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better tham castration he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted toward the ground he saw a large sign on the ground that read:

2 Italian Men and 1 Italian women
2 French men and 1 French women
2 German men and 1 German women
2 Greek men and 1 Greek womwn
2 English men and 1 English women
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian women
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese women
2 American men and 1 American women
2 Irish men and 1 Irish women

A month later the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian women.

The two French men and the French womaen are all living together in a menage-a-trois.

The two German men have a strict schedule of alternating visits with the German women.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other while the Greek women is cooking and cleaning for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English women.

The two Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean and another long look at the Bulgarian women and started swimming.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, liquor store, restaurant, laundry and impregnated the women in order to staff their stores.

The two American men are seriously contemplating suicide because the American women keeps on complaining about her body, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend really listened and treated her more nicelythan they do and how her relationship with her mother is improving.

The two Irish men divided the Island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.

WARNING

This is very disturbing, Please warn others..

Everyone is always sending warnings about viruses, organ harvesting, people trying to drug you in the streets, scamming use of your cellular phone and the list goes on and on. But this one came to me today and being a married man with daugher's I feel compelled to get this notice out to everyone I know and who knows me. This comes from a reliable source.

If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting a survey and he asks you to show him your tits.

The doorman at the club greets them and say's, Hey,Dave ! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he has been to this club before. "Oh no," say Dave, "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he would like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot, for that woman to know that you drink Budweiser?" "No honey, she's in the ladies bowling league, we share lanes with them." A stripper come over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi, Davie" she says. "Want your usual table dance?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can close the door, he jumps in beside her, and she starts screaming at him.

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Evans A Criswell
Huntsville-Decatur Movie Theatre Info Site

The little man said: "I am a mathematician dealing in the nature of proof, and on August 12, I was in the city library conducting some research. There were two books I wanted to check out, so I got in line, but when I reached the desk, I was told that my library card had expired. So I filled out the forms for another card, got in another line, and waited patiently. When I got to the desk, the guy asked me to prove whether I was from New York, so I stabbed him."

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors she deceides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver and cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence, can go out with me.

The sturdy, muscular black lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese." "Oh, how childish," said the poodle, "that shows no imagination or itelligence what-so-ever." She turned to the tall, shiney Golden Retreiver and said, "How well can you do?" "Um,I hate liver and cheese." blurts, the Golden Retreiver.

"My, My," said the poodle, "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence." Then she turns to the last of the three dogs,and say's "How about you little, guy?" The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finess, is the taco bell chihuahua. He give her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retreiver and the Lab and says,

READY?

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss." The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. The he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh I was thinkin...perhaps it's noo aboot time for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed. The leaned over and cuddled him for a few moments.

Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh I was thinkin...I think it's aboot time you let me poot ma hand on your leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to look out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man knit his brow. "Well now," he said, "My thoughts are a bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the girl in a wisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, an bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

"Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

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The moral of this story is........

Never fly off the handle...when you know your full of shit...!