"Wow" said, the farmer, "last time I was at the movies I only paid 50 cents."

"Well Sir," said the attendant. "you are really going to enjoy the show, we have sound now."

"I think I will set up a little demonstration for you." said the father.

"Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for one million dollars, and then go ask you sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for one million dollars? Then come back and let me know what they said."

So the little boy goes to his mother, and says. "Mom, would you sleep with Robert Redford for one million dollars?" "Well" said the mom, "don't tell your father, but yes I would."

The the little boy goes to his sister, and says,"Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for one million dollars?" "Wow, that would be great, absolutly I would."

So the boy returns to his dad, and says, "Dad, I understand now, potentially we are sitting on two millions bucks but in reality we are living with two sluts."

Poem 69 (1996/11/27)

Sixty-nine, sixty-nine!
As a number, you're quite fine,
with divisors three and twenty-three
and a square root between eight and nine.

Right-side-up or upside down,
you stay the same when flipped around.
Your neat properties are overlooked today
by the younger generation who likes to clown.

You are the subject of many a joke.
At sixty-nine much fun we poke.
If a conversation is getting dull,
we liven it up with a sixty-nine joke.

Monica Lewinski Virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer.

Ronald Reagan Virus: Saves your data but forgets where it is stored.

Mike Tyson Virus: Quits after one byte.

Oprah Winfrey Virus: Your 200MB shrinks to 80MB and then slowly expands to 300MB.

Lorena Bobbit Virus: Turns your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy.

Jack Kevorkian Virus: Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.

Ellen Degeneres Virus: Your IBM suddenly claims it is a MAC.

Titanic Virus: Makes the whole computer go down.

Disney Virus: Everything goes Goofy.

Prozac Virus: Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.

HBO Virus: Runs the same program over and over and over,, week after week after week.

Joey Buttafusco Virus: Only attacks minor files.

-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization

-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds,unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.

Wanna See (Follow instructions,) Get calculator.

Take the number of the month you were born.

Multiply that number by 4.

Add 13.

Multiply that number by 25.

Subtract 200.

Add the number of the day you were born.

Multiply by 2.

Subtract 40.

Multiply by 50.

Add last two digits of the year you were born

Subtract 10,500

What do you have? I know it is your.....

BIRTHDATE

50(2((25(4m + 13) - 200) + d) - 40) + y - 10500

Let's simplify step by step

50(2(((100m + 325) - 200) + d) - 40) + y - 10500

50(2(100m + 125 + d) - 40) + y - 10500

50(200m + 210 + 2d) + y - 10500

10000m + 10500 + 100d + y - 10500

10000m + 100d + y

The above expression, 10000m + 100d + y

puts the month in the first two digits, the day in the middle two digits, and the year in the last two digits. Nothing magic at all. You might as well say, "take the month, multiply by 10000, take the day, multiply it by 100 and add it to the other number, then add the year to that total."

All these tricks amount to taking an expression like the last line above and reworking it to obfuscate what it is doing. The trick works since each value does not exceed a 2-digit range, but it isn't Y2K compliant!

If you take the expression 1000000m + 10000d + y and obfuscate it, then you'll have a Y2K compliant version.

------------------
Evans A Criswell
Huntsville-Decatur Movie Theatre Info Site

I am really surprised that Josephine has not logged on today. Maybe he is Brad. Could you have made a um a mmmm istake?

I'll prove that 4 = 3 (easier than proving that Brad = Joe, right?)

Suppose a + b = c.
We know that

4a - 3a = a,
4b - 3b = b, and
4c - 3c = c,

so we can write

4a - 3a + 4b - 3b = 4c - 3c

Reorganize:

4a + 4b - 4c = 3a + 3b - 3c

Factor out constants:

4(a + b - c) = 3(a + b - c)

Divide both sides by (a + b - c):

4 = 3

There!

------------------
Evans A Criswell
Huntsville-Decatur Movie Theatre Info Site

Hearing AIDS
Band AIDS
Roll AIDS
Walking AIDS
Medical AIDS,

The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless, but also that perhaps this is a good omen, so he says, "Okay," and sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."

The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure."

He makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win.

Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"

The golfer says, "Certainly!" He makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life."

"Oh," said Hillery, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Over there, That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands only moved twice, telling us that he only told two lies in his entire life."

Hillery asked, "Where is Bill's clock?"