Hillary Clinton went for her annual exam.

After the exam, the OB-GYN told her that she was pregnant, and in great shape.

Hillary couldn't believe the news and stormed out of the office.

She rushed to her limo and picked up the phone to call Bill.

"You got me pregnant! How could you be so careless?"

There is a silence on the other end. Finally, she hears Bill's voice.

"Who is this?''

How did we know that Monica would testify?

Because she has a history of not being able to keep her mouth closed.

Q: What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad?
A: Senator.

What's the difference between Clinton and a screwdriver? A screwdriver turns in screws, and Clinton screws interns!

Monica Lewinsky and her new boyfriend are making love. After they finish having sex, the new boyfriend asks, "Was I as good as Bill?"

A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

"Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Giants fan," the little hero replied.

"Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were." said the reporter and starts again. "Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook.

"I'm not a Jets fan either," the boy said.

"I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked.

"I'm a Cowboys fan," the child said.

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?

Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"

"One," said the young salesman.

"Only one?" blurted the boss, "most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"

"Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man.

"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.

"Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast.

I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"

The flight attendant came over the intercom and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we have blown an engine, but there is no need to worry. We still have three engines, I repeat, we still have three engines."

Everyone stayed calm.

About another hour later, another boom.

The flight attendant comes over the intercom. "Ladies and gentlemen, we have blown another engine, but there is no need to worry! We still have two more engines to go!"

The people stayed calm.

An hour later, the same situation. Now only one engine remained.

Could I please sit in that seat?" he asked. The lady was insulted. "You bloody Americans are so rude," she said. "Can't you see my dog is sitting there?" He walked through the train once more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place.

"Lady, I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad to hold your dog if I could sit down," he said. The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude you are arrogant too."

He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said, "Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time. Could I please sit there and hold your dog?" The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious!"

With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out the window, and sat down. The lady was speechless. An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up.

The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts.

This was the first time he had seen them. She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."

"That's nothing!'' said the Baptist. ''I have ten boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son and I'll have a football team!"

--- begin quote ---
Woman settles hot pickle lawsuit with McDonald's
April 13, 2001
Web posted at: 10:45 AM EDT (1445 GMT)

KNOXVILLE, Tennessee (AP) -- A woman who claimed she was permanently scarred by a hot McDonald's hamburger pickle has settled her lawsuit against the restaurant chain.

MAR Inc., which does business as McDonald's in Knoxville, admitted no wrongdoing in the agreement signed by a judge Thursday. Other details of the settlement are to remain confidential.

Veronica M. Martin claimed she suffered a second-degree burn on her chin after an extremely hot pickle fell from one of the small burgers she and her husband bought in October 1999.

The suit contended the pickle was defective and unreasonably dangerous to the customer, breaching an implied warranty for safety. Martin sought $110,000 while her husband, Darrin, sought $15,000 for losing the services and consortium of his wife.

--- end quote ---

A "defective" pickle??? Damn! Now that is a new one for me. I have to think that some folks in Tenessee must not be too bright.

"Pardon me, I'd like to return this hamburger, the pickle is defective!"

"What? Whaddaya think it will fly apart at high speeds and cause your hamburger to tip over and crash into your french fries?"

"Very funny. It's too hot. That makes it defective. I just read that on CNN."

"Lemmie see... (takes hamburger, turns around, rummages for a thermometer) There! 100 degrees, it doesn't seem to be defective now!"

"Why that is amazing! How did you do that?"

"Promise not to tell or get mad?"

"Sure"

"I read film-tech. I spit on it."

Now read the article again and think carefully about how "consortium" would be lost, given placement of the burn...

Now, performing a Criswellian analysis..
The man asked for $15,000. At $20 per BJ, that would be 750 times. Most pickle burns heal within four weeks. Now admittedly, the woman did claim a permanent scar on her chin, but I find this a little difficult to swallow. How many people have you seen with the outlines of pickles or other foods branded on their chins? This is probably legal hyperbole... unless, of course, the pickle was held to her chin for an extended period of time by a crazed employee.

The bartender looks at the man and says "You're not from round here are ya?"

"No" replied the man, "I'm from Pensylvania."

The bartender looks at him and says, "Well what do you do in Pensylvania?"

"I'm a taxidermist." said the man.

The bartender, looking very bewildered, now asked "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?"

The man looked at the bartender and said "Well, I mount dead animals."

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!"  She begins to drool.

The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby?  That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.

Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.

He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"

After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the heart.

The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him.

He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple,

Blow jobs and land deals
in backwater places,
Big Macs and French fries
and girls with big faces,
Lots of nice cleavage
that makes Willie spring,
These are a few of my favorite things

Susan McDougal
and Gennifer Flowers,
Horny young interns
who while 'way the hours,
Profits from futures
that Hillary brings,
These are a few of my favorite things

When that Jones bites,
When Ken Starr stings,
When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember
my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Beating the draft board,
and getting elected,
Naming to judgeships
some hacks I've selected,
Conspiracy theories,
that blame the right wing,
These are a few of my favorite things

Golfing with Vernon
and suborning perjury,
Falling down drunk
that required knee surgery
Stars in the White House
who come here to sing,
These are a few of my favorite things