In prison you spend a majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.

In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

In prison, a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At work you must carry a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you're just ball-and-chained.

In prison you get your own toilet.
At work you have to share.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you can't even speak to your family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go tobars.

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are sadistic wardens.
At work, we have managers. (Same thing!)

They were somedistance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex."

The boy reluctantly paid her,and they did their thing.

After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.

"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

It is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life. If you don't believe me, pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.

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Worried the girl might become pregnant, and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful, and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and, until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

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Unfortunately, when Joe arrives at the stadium, he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium--he's closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field.

About halfway through the first quarter, Joe sees through his binoculars an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line.

He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.

As he sits down, Joe asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"

The man says, "No.

"Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Joe again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who n their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowland not use it?!"

The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967."

"Well, that's really sad," said Joe, "but still, you couldn't find anyone to take the seat? A friend or close relative?"

Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.

Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend

Ohm resisted the idea at first

Edison thought it would be an illuminating experience

Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam

Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight

Dr Jekyll declined, because he hadn't been feeling himself lately

Morse's reply: "I'll be there on the dot.  Can't stop now must dash."

Hertz said he planned the future to attend with greater frequency.

Audubon said he'd have to wing it

Hawking said he'd try to string enough time together to make a space in his schedule

Darwin said he'd have to see what evolved

Newton was moved to attend.

The owner Tim doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him.

They say he is two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime.

He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger.

One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, Tim got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"

The 80 year old said, "The best thing that could happen to me is to be able to have a good pee. I just stand there and it dribbles and hurts, and I have to go over and over again."

The 85 year old said, "The best thing could happen to me is if I could have a good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it is still a problem."

"Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish." -- On abottle of shampoo for dogs.

"Do not use while sleeping." -- On a hair dryer.

"Do not light in face. Do not expose to flame." -- On a lighter.

"Do not eat." -- On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the styrofoam packing.

"Access hole only -- not intended for use in lifting box." -- On the sides of a shipping carton, just above cut-out openings which one would assume were handholds.

"Warning: May cause drowsiness." -- On a bottle of Nytol, a brand ofsleeping pills.

"Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death." -- Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle.

"Turn off motor before using this product." -- On the packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.

"Not to be used as a personal flotation device." -- On a 6x10 inch inflatable picture frame.

"Do not put in mouth." -- On a box of bottle rockets.

"Please remove before driving." -- On the back of a cardboard wind shield ( for keeping the car from getting too hot when parked).

"Remove plastic before eating." -- On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack.

"Do not drive cars in ocean." -- In small print at the bottom of the screen during a car commercial which shows a car in the ocean.

"Not dishwasher safe." -- On a remote control for a TV."

For lifting purposes only." -- On the box for a car jack.

"Do not put lit candles on phone." -- On the instructions for a cordlessphone.
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Signs and Notices:"No stopping or standing." -- A sign at a bus stop.

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Safety Procedures:"Take care: new non-slip surface." -- On a sign in front of a newly renovated ramp that led to the entrance of a building.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once,you'll never go anywhere again.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion.Blue Cross and salary.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children$2.00

For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and arge drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

Great Dames for sale. Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates.Automatically burns toast.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.Man, honest. Will take anything.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard- to-find person.

Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general house keeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon:

Demon: Why so glum, chum?

Guy: What do you think? I'm in Hell.

Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun downhere. You a drinkin' man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Demon: Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, guinness, wine coolers,diet Tab... we drink till we throw up and then we drink somemore.

Guy: Gee, that sounds great.

Demon: You a smoker?

Guy: You better believe it.

Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our friggin' lungs out.If you get cancer, it's okay... you're already dead.

Guy: Golly!

Demon: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Demon: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps,blackjack, horse races, you name it. We even opened up a pai gow poker table.

Guy: Gosh, I never played pai gow before...

Demon: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?

Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean...

Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine.You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's okay... you're already dead.

Guy: Neat! I never realized that hell was such a swingin' place!

Demon: You gay?

Guy: Uh, no.Demon: Oooh, you're gonna hate Fridays..

He was struggling with the language and didn't understand a whole lot of what was going on.

Intending to visit one of the local churches, he got lost, but eventually got back on track and found the place. Having arrived late, the church was already packed. The only pew left was the one on the front row.

So as not to make a fool of himself, he decided to pick some one out of the crowd to imitate. He chose to follow the man sitting next to him on the front pew.

As they sang, the man clapped his hands, so the missionary recruit clapped too. When the man stood up to pray, the missionary recruit stood up too. When the man sat down, he sat down. When the man held the cup and bread for the Lord's Supper, he held the cup and bread. During the preaching, the recruit didn't understand a thing. He just sat there and tried to look just like that man in the front pew.

Then he perceived that the preacher was giving announcements.People clapped, so he looked to see if the man was clapping. He was, and so the recruit clapped too.

Then the preacher said some words that he didn't understand and he saw the man next to him stand up. So he stood up too.

Suddenly a hush fell over the entire congregation. A few people gasped. He looked around and saw that nobody else was standing. So he sat down.After the service ended, the preacher stood at the door shaking the hands of those who were leaving.

When the missionary recruitstretched out his hand to greet the preacher, the preacher said,in English: "I take it you don't speak Spanish."The missionary recruit replied: "No I don't. It's that obvious?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.

"The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."