"That cup, sir, is $1 this is the dollar store"

That man walks back to look some more. A few minutes later the man goes up to the clerk, "How much is this towel??"

The clerk says "Its a dollar!!" in quite frustration. then the man walks back.

The man goes up to the clerk once more and asks how much is a bottle of shampoo the clerks says "EVERYTHING IS A DOLLAAAARRRRR!!!"

The man got quite scared and left the store. He comes back the next day with a whole bunch of his friends and the same clerk was there. The clerk was kinda scared-he thought that was his gang and they were gonna beat him up for yelling at the man.

(Things people actually said - word for word - in courts of law)

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?

Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke
that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

He was broke, so he went to the person selling tickets and asked for a loner, promising to pay them back.

The person selling tickets says, "follow me, and i'll give you a free ticket if you do what i say."

The man follows the woman, and she takes him to a room where a chicken is in a box. "Now, if you fuck this chicken, i'll give you your free ticket tomorrow morning."

The man agrees and fucks the chicken. the next day, he goes back to the pornhouse and gets his ticket.

On the screen is a woman blowing a goat. "Ew! That's sick man!" he says.

A man in the row in front of him said, "You should have seen yesterday's movie."

"What was it?" The man asked.

10. Have you looked through her briefs?

9. He is one hard judge!

8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.

7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.

6. Is it a penal offense?

5. Better leave the handcuffs on.

4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!

3. Can you get him to drop his suit?

2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

Closer observation of the little boy brought shock at the sight. Little Bobby would put an M&M in his mouth, bite the cat on the butt, and then scoot down the curb a little bit.

The neighbor stared with wonder as little Bobby kept doing the same thing over and over again. He would put an M&M in his mouth, then bite the cat on the butt, and proceed to scoot down the curb a little further each time.

The neighbor, now growing more concerned, started to walk towards little Bobby when he did it again. He put an M&M in his mouth, bit the cat on the butt, and scooted further down the curb.

When the neighbor reached little Bobby he said, "What are you doing there little Bobby?"

Bobby said, with a shrug. "Oh. Just playin Truck Driver."

"Truck Driver?" asked the neighbor in perplexity.

Later, the nurse came in and said to the second man, "Sir, you're the father of triplets.""Gee!" the man exclaimed. "Another coincidence! I'm with the 3M Company.

"I would do anything to pass this exam."

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.

"I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do... **anything**!!!"

He returns her gaze. "Anything???"

"Yes,... Anything!!!"

CAUCASIAN WOMAN:
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex in the missionary position.

IRISH WOMAN:
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

ITALIAN WOMAN:
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents; her mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you and insists on a 3 carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together and hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.

JEWISH WOMAN:
First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and you never get head again.

CHINESE WOMAN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you have already realized nothing is going to happen.

INDIAN WOMAN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.

BLACK WOMAN:
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: Your get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant.

In a Tokyo Hotel:
"Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis."

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
"The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable."

In a Leipzig elevator:
"Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up."

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
"To more the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order."

In a Paris hotel elevator:
"Please leave your values at the front desk."

In a hotel in Athens:
"Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily."

In a Yugoslavian hotel:
"The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid."

In a Japanese hotel:
"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
"You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday."

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
"Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension."

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
"Our wines leave you nothing to hope for."

On the menu of a Polish hotel:
"Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion."

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
"Ladies may have a fit upstairs."

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
"Drop your trousers here for best results."

Outside a Paris dress shop:
"Dresses for street walking."

In a Rhodes tailor shop:
"Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation."

Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly:
"There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years."

A sign posted in Germany's Black forest:
"It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose."

In a Zurich hotel:
"Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose."

In and advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
"Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists."

In a Rome laundry:
"Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time."

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
"Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages."

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
"Would you like to ride on your own ass?"

In a Bangkok temple:
"It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man."

In a Tokyo bar:
"Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts."

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
"We take your bags and send them in all directions."

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
"ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."

In a Budapest zoo:
"Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."

In the office of a Roman doctor:
"Specialist in women and other diseases."

In an Acapulco hotel:
"The manager has personally passed all the water served here."

In a Tokyo shop:
"Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run."

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
"Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself."

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
"When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet
him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor."

1. Is there a 4th of July in England? Yes or no?

2. How many birthdays does the average man have?

3. Some months have 31 days. How many have 28?

4. How many outs are there in an inning?

5. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister.

6. Take the number 30, divide it by 1/2, and then add 10. What do you get?

7. There are 3 apples and you take two away. How many apples are you left with?

8. A doctor gives you three pills and tells you to take one every half an hour. How long will the pills last?

9. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 of them die. How many sheep are left?

10. How many animals of each sex did Moses bring with him on the ark?

11. A butcher in the market is 5' 10" tall. What does he weigh?

12. How many 2 cent stamps are there in a dozen?

13. What was the President's name in 1960?

***NO CHEATING***

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So how do you think you did? Here are the answers....

1. Is there a 4th of July in England? Yes or No?

Yes. It comes right after the 3rd.

2. How many birthdays does the average man have?

One (1). You can only be born once.

3. Some months have 31 days. How many have 28?

Twelve (12). All of them have at least 28 days.

4. How many outs are there in an inning? Six (6).

Don't forget there is a top and bottom to every inning.

5. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister?

No. He must be dead if it is his widow!

6. Take the number 30, divide it by 1/2, and then add 10. What do you get?

Seventy (70). Thirty (30) divided by 1/2 is 60.

7. There are 3 apples and you take two away. How many apples are you left with?

Two (2). You take two apples...therefore, YOU have TWO apples.

8. A doctor gives you three pills and tells you to take one every half and hour. How long will the pills last?

One hour. If you take the first pill at 1:00, the second at 1:30, and the third at 2:00, the pills have run out and only an hour has passed.

9. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 of them die. How many sheep are left?

Nine (9). like I said, all BUT nine die.

10. How many animals of each sex did Moses had an ark?

None. I didn't know that Moses had an ark.

11. A butcher in the market is 5' 10" tall. What does he weigh?

Meat...that is self-explanatory.

12. How many 2 cent stamps are there in a dozen?

Twelve (12). How many eggs are in a dozen? TWELVE...it's adozen!

13. What was the President's name in 1960?

George W. Bush. As far as I know, he hasn't changed his name.

So, how did you do?

A cowboy is traveling on his horse when he sees a bar. He decides to stop for a few drinks, so he ties his horse outside the bar, walks into the bar, sits right up at the counter and orders a few beers. This cowboy is new in town, so he notices
some of the other bar patrons giving him funny looks, and he suspects that they'll try something funny, but he continues to drink. When he's satisfied, he pays for the beers and walks out of the bar only to find his horse missing.

However, he keeps his cool, struts back into the bar, puts on a really mean look and says, "Look, I don't know what you asses did to my horse out there...but I'm planning to make a move on within the next FIVE minutes, and if my horse isn't back where it's supposed to be by then, well...I'm gonna have to do here what I did in Texas!" The cowboy sneers. "And I DON'T wanna do what I did in Texas!"

The cowboy glares at everyone before returning to the counter and ordering another couple of beers. The other customers seem a bit shaken, and sure enough after 5 minutes, the cowboy walks out and finds his horse tied where it was supposed to be.

An old farmer saw them and took them and buried them.

later that day a policeman came to his farm and said..............."did you see what happened with the politicians that came on a bus and crashed into a tree?"

The farmer replied "yes".

The policeman asked what he had done with them.

The farmer said " I buried them"

The policeman said are you sure they were ALL dead?

Mom's have Mother's day, Father's have Father's day, what do single men have? palm sunday

Why is being in the military like a blowjob? The closer you get to discharge, the better it feels

What do you call a 90 year old man who can still masterbate? Miracle whip

What has a bunch of balls and scews old ladies? A game of bingo

Why did god creat alcohol? So ugly prople could have sex too

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Boobs don't have eyes

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 45 min

How many woman does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they just sit in the dark and bitch

What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp object

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labor is askedby the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth. "I'm afraid I don't have a husband," she replies. "O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife. "No, no boyfriend either." "Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black" "Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions, but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair." "Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"

"Oh, I'm sorry,"the midwiferepeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes." "Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was also a Chinese man in the movie."