The Frenchman replies, "Zat is noting, when Ah've finished making ze love with ze girlfriend, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches
above ze bed in pure ecstasy."

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson&Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson&Hedges pack :"Extra Long. King Size." She was agains lightly embarrased but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by, and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: "British Airways". Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine,flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways." Mom fainted.

The next night the parents were really horny, the dad said "Nicetits!" And the mom, "Nice dick!" And the little boy ran into ther oom and asked, "Mommy, Daddy what does that mean???" "Um...hats and coats." And with that answer the little boy ran back to bed.

The next day was Thanksgiving and all of the relatives were going to be eating and celebrating at the little boys house. The little boy was on his way up the stairs and ran into the bathroom. When he swung the door open it hit his dad's elbow, (the dad was shaving and he cut himself) "Shit!" he bellowed."Daddy what does that mean???" "Um, it is the name of the shaving cream that I'm using.

Now run downstairs and see what your mom is doing." And with that the little boy did as he was told. Meanwhile his mom was slicing the turkey, and she accidentally put her finger in the wrong place. "Fuck!" She hollered and the little boy said , "Mommy, what does that mean???" "Um, it means I'm cutting the turkey.

She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

They agreed to be faithful to each other and to spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and e-mails trying to win back her love. She soon became very annoyed with his persistence and now with a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.

So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend,leave me alone."

She fetched her Dad to look at Piddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could,"I'm afraid Piddles is dead, Lucy."

"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?"asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.

At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Piddles 'legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Piddles up to heaven."

Little Lucy seemed to take her Piddles' death quite well.

However, two days later when her father came home from work,Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died thismorning."

Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!"

A straight man walks into a gay bar to get a drink. He doesn't care about the clientele's sexual orientation. He just really needs a drink. So he asks the bartender for a beer.

"What's your nickname," the bartender asks.

"What the hell are you talking about? Just get me a beer."

"Sorry stud. You gotta have a nickname if you wanna drink here. Them's the house rules."

The man grumbles thinking this is ridiculous. So he turns to the guy sitting on the stool to his left.

"What's your nickname?"

"Ford," the guy says. "Because the best never rests."

The man just rolls his eyes and cringes the tagline is so bad. So he turns to the drinker to his right.

"What about you? What's your nickname?"

"Timex," he replies. "Takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'."

So the man sits there and thinks of a name. After about five minutes, he finally comes up with a suitname nickname for himself.

"Okay. My name's Secret. Now give me my beer."

"What'd you choose that name for," the bartender asks.

"Strong enough for a man. Made for a woman."

 |  IP: Logged

Everything looks perfect and the guy is ready to go to work at once. But when he was walking around he noticed that there weren't any women around. So he pulls the foreman aside and asks him what everyone does for sex.

The foreman laughs and brings him over to this big tree that has a hole in it. "This is the fucking tree. Whenever you get horny, come over and put your dick in the hole and fuck away. Trust me, it does the trick every time."

The mant thinks it's kind of odd, but takes the job anyway.The days go by and soon the man gets horny. He thinks about taking it out on the tree, but it still seems weird to him, so he goes to his room and jacks off. A week passes and the guy gets hornier and hornier and jacking off isn't enough for him. So finally he figures, "What the hell," and sneaks over to thef ucking tree in the middle of the night, whips out his dick and puts it in the hole. To his surprise, it feels great! Soon enough he starts to fuck the shit out of it. After a great session he goes back to bed with a big smile.The next day after a hard day of work, he makes another visit to the tree and it's even better this time. Again he pounds away at the tree. He can't believe how amazing the tree is and wonders what kind of magic tree they have. Things just couldn't get better for him.The following day, he runs to the tree after work, hurriedly takes out his dick and puts it into the sweet warm fucking tree.The tree just gets better and better everyday. He goes at it again, and afterwards can hardly walk.The next day all he can think about is going back to the fucking tree. Every tree that he cuts down is one less tree in his way of the fucking tree. Finally the day is done, and he takes off for the tree. Pulls out his dick, grabs hold of the tree, and shoves it in. Nothing. The man is shocked. He tries again, but still nothing. Feeling very frustrated, the man storms off to the foreman. "What's wrong with the fucking tree? I've beent here three times already and it's been better each time, but today, I ran up to it, stuck my dick in and nothing happened.What the hell happened?" The foreman thinks for a second and then says, "Oh yeah, I know, didn't they tell you?

 |  IP: Logged

The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says,"Ok, old fellow, time to retire."The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens . . . look at what it did to me!"

The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and the young to takeover, so take a hike.

"The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon . . . just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you."The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm takingover!"

The old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race around the farm house with you. Who ever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop."The young rooster says, "You know I'm going to beat you, old man, so just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start."T

They line up in back of the farm house, get a chicken to cluck "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But,after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.

The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." Merv got very angry and threw him out.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you have no ears." Merv again was upset and tossed her out.

The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better business man than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses."Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant youngman. How in the world did you know that?

He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him--he's done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an ease entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful.

Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake you head and nod for him to go on. He begins moving in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few frenzied moments, youf eel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you,you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle, that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a telephone call that I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and may I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! Icouldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still laying on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled, "You're a jackass!" and hung up.

Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass" and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He would answer and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It always cheered me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me. I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number and heard his voice. "Hello?" I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our new caller ID program." He answered, "No!" and slammed down the receiver. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"

The reason I'm taking the time to tell you this story is to show you how if there's ever anything bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 555-1212.(Keep reading, it gets better.)

One day an old lady at the mall was really taking her time pulling out of her parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move ever so slowly and she began backing out. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camero came flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulled into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't do that, buddy! I was here first!" The guy got out of his Camero completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy is a jackass. There sure are a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park

.The next day I was at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 555-1212 and yelling, "You're ajackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) Then I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro and decided to call him too. After ac ouple of rings someone answered the phone. I asked, "Are you the man with the black Camaro for sale?" "Yes." "Can you tell me where I can see it?""Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house andt he car is parked right out front." I asked, "What's your name?" "My name is Don Hansen." "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home in the evenings." "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Sure.""Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.

After I hung up I added Don's number to my speed dialer. Now I had two jackasses to call whenever I had a bad day. However this wasn't as much fun as it used to be. So I thought about it and came up with a solution.

So, he goes to a pet shop in search of a friend. After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" "I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot." "Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me.""I understood every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird." "Yeah?" The guy asks. "Then answer this; how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it cause of my feathers.""Wow," says guy, "you really can understand and answer, can't you?" "Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy ... and I am especially good atornithology.

You ought to buy me. I am a great companion."The guy looks at the price tag. "$200!" He says, "I can't afford that.""Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing."Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for$20 just make an offer." The guy offers 20 dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by.The parrot is sensational. He's funny, he's interesting, he's agreat pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. The guy is delighted.