The Judge looks down from the bench and sees a duck walk in and thinks to himself (what the hell?) he asks the duck " what's your crime? the duck replies, "I was blowing bubbles in the bathtub."

The judge says," that's no crime. One day in jail and pay your fine."

The judge calls in the second case. In walks another duck! The judge asks, "what's your crime?" The duck replies, "I was blowing bubbles in the bathtub." The judge says, "That's no crime, one day in jail and pay your fine.

The judge calls in the last case of the night. In walks another duck he asks," What's your crime? NO wait,I know you were blowing bubbles in the bath tub. right?

Saint Peter says, "Well, Forest, it's certainly good to see you.We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven.

"Forest responds, "It shore is good to be here St. Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams. Sure hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enoughtest as it was.

"St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forest. But the test I have for you is only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? Third, what is God's first name?"

Forest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to St. Peter to try to answer the exam questions.

St. Peter waves him up and asks, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.

"Forest says, "Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one's easy; that'd beToday and Tomorrow!"

The saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forest! That's notwhat I was thinking, but...you do have a point though, and Iguess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer.""How about the next one" says St. Peter, "how many seconds in ayear?"

"Now that one's harder," says Forest. "But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve. "Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?" Forest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second,February second, March second ...."

"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with it. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite whatI had in mind, but I'll give you credit for that one too.""Let's go on with the next and final question," says St. Peter,"Can you tell me God's first name?"

Forest says, "Well shore, I know God's first name. Everybody probably knows it. It's Howard.""Howard?" asks St. Peter. "What makes you think it's 'Howard'?"

Forest answers, "It's in the prayer."

"The prayer?" asks St. Peter, "Which prayer?"

The doctor says, "drop your pants, bend over and let have a look". "Damn!!" says the doctor." "what could have made a hole as big as that?"

Patient replies I was screwed by an elephant."

The doctor says, "An elephant's penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous".

He steps up to the window and the teller says, "Your paper sir..."  The man searches for this special paper the lady is requesting, but has no luck finding it.  The teller gets ticked off ,since this man is wasting her time, but the man begs the lady to let him file for his social security. He tells the lady that he can prove his age (Since that was what part of the information on the paper he couldn't find).

The lady fed up with the old man's nonsense allows him to prove his age.  So the old man pulls open his shirt showing the teller his wrinkled chest and gray hair.

The teller at this point didn't care since she knew he was ancient anyway so she let him file for it.  The old man was so excited he rushed home to tell his wife. "Honey, guess what?, they let me file and I left that form they needed home, all I had to do was open my shirt and show her my chest and she let me file!"

The wife looked at her husband and said "You idiot, you should have showed her your dick then she would have let you file for disability!"

These are actual quotes taken from job performance reviews

1. I would not allow this employee to breed.

2. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won't be.

3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

4. When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot was previously there.

5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

9. This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, thebetter.

10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

11. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching.

12. A room temperature IQ.

13. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.

14. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

15. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

16. A prime candidate for natural deselection.

17. Bright as Alaska in December.

18. One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.

19. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

20. Fell out of the family tree.

21. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

22. Has two brains: one is lost; the other is out looking for it.

23. He's so dense, light bends around him.

24. If brains were taxed, she'd get a refund.

25. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice aweek.

26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'll get change.

27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

28. It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

29. One neuron short of a synapse.

30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.

31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.

32. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

33. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

Before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky.

"Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmounaut.

However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people have questioned as to what the "Good luck, Mr.Gorsky" statement meant.

A few months ago, (Jul 05 Tampa Bay, Fl), while anwering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question. He finally responded.It seems that Mr. Gorsky had finally died, so Niel Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with his brother in the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front of his neighbors bedroom window. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorksy.

One man asked Burnett if she was ok, and she replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car, but Burnett refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that the woman had a wad of breaddough on the back of her head.

 A car, of course has been arranged, to pickhim up -- he is, after all, the Pope.

The Pope tells the driver of his predicament, but the driver says that he will not violate the speed limit.

 So the Pope says" OK, OK, get in the back, I'll drive."

The Pope floors it,weaving through traffic like a madman.  Inevitably, even for thePope, he sees flashing lights behind him, and has to pull over.The officer takes one look in the window, turns pale, and slowly walks back to his squad car. He calls up his superior officer, and tells him "I just pulled this guy over for speeding, but I can't give him a ticket." "Well, why not?"

"He's too important"

"Well, who is it?  The mayor? Did you pull over the mayor?"

"No, no, no.  Much more important than that.""Well, was it Donald Trump?"

"No, no, no.  Much more important than that.""Was it the president?  Please tell me you did not pull over the President of the United States."

"No, no, no.  Much more important than the President."

"By this time, the superior officer is completely flabbergasted.He yelled "Well, then who the hell did you pull over?!"

1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

6. Farmer Bill Dies in House

7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

9. Stud Tires Out

10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

15. Eye Drops off Shelf

16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death

23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree

25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

28. Never With hold Herpes Infection from Loved One

29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84

30. War Dims Hope for Peace

31. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

35. Deer Kill 17,000

36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

And we thought some of OUR laws were strange...

Most Middle Eastern countries recognize the following Islamic law: "After having sexual relations with a lamb, it is a mortal sin to eat its flesh."(umm OK, I'm sure the lamb appreciates that one)

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (OK, like THAT makes sense...)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Ouch!)

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or a piece of wood at all times. (...a brick?)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is capitation. (Wonder how they enforce that one?)

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Now let's just think for a minute...is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. (The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (COOL)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England, but only in tropical fish stores. (Of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens her mother must be in the room to witness the act.(I shudder at the thought. How many of us would be virgins today?)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (We have to presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law...

Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine, which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.

This year's winner is:The Arizona (U.S.) Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering meta imbedded into the side of a cliff rising above the road, at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. The boys in the lab finally figured out what it was, and what had happened. It seems that a guy had somehow got hold of a JATO unit, (Jet AssistedTake Off, actually a solid-fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra 'push' for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert, and found a long, straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO unit to his car,jumped in, got up some speed, and fired off the JATO!! (NOTE: Solid-fuel rockets don't have an 'off' switch... once started, they burn at full thrust 'til the fuel is gone.)

The facts as best could be determined are that the driver of the 1967 Impala hit JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3 miles from the crash site. This was established by the prominent scorched and melted asphalt at that location. The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within five seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for anadditional 20-25 seconds.

The driver, soon to be pilot, most likely would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog-fighting F-14 fighter jocks under full afterburner, basically causing him to become insignificant for the remainder of the trip. However, the automobile apparently remained on the straight highway for about 2.6 miles (15-20seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface. It then became airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacted the cliff face at a height of 125 ft. leaving a blackened crater 3 ft. deep.

1. Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

2. A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

3. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showedi ts workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen othersfainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

4. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

5. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

6. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

7. A convict broke out of jail in Washington DC, then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

8. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photo- copy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

9. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

The following are copies of ACTUAL written statements submitted to the police on report forms. (Or at least they claim to be ACTUAL statements. (You be the judge.)

The drivers were instructed to give a brief statement on the particulars of the accident in their own words. Woman Driver(WD): Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't know.

Man Driver (MD): I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my Mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

WD: The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went tor est in the bush with just his rear end showing.

MD: In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

MD: I had been driving my car for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

MD: An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.

WD: The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him.

WD: I saw the slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

MD: The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

WD: To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

WD: I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of ther roadway when I struck him.

MD: My girlfriend kissed me. I lost control and woke up in the hospital.

MD: When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.

MD: As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

MD: The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

WD: I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

MD: I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had fractured my skull.

WD: I thought I could squeeze between two trucks when my car became squashed 

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English forgranted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicks and can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite afew are alike?

How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent?
Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero
or experienced requited love?

Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable?

Where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the
human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).

That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

The following from a Florida newspaper:

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.

The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.

Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband.

After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital,t he wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside.

Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.

The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home.

After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on thef loor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin.

The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began arrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself.

She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out.