Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
******
Man who run in front of car get tired.
******
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
******
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
*******
Foolish man give wife grand piano...wise man give wife upright organ.
******
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
******
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
******
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
******
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
******
Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing
on earth.
******
War does not determine who is right ... war determine
who is left.
******
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat
house.
******
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
******
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to
fill it.
******
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
******
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
******
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in
basement.
******
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
******
Crowded elevator smell different to midget
******

...and my personal favourite...

Man who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.

The medical director came to know of David's heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the Mental Hospital, as he considered him to be OK.

The Doctor said, "We have good news and bad news for you, David! The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses. Since you were able to jump in and save another patient you must be mentally stable. The bad news is that the patient whom you saved, Mr. John, hung himself in the bathroom, and died."

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the Gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski and his homosexual partner Andrew (Kiki) Farnom, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in." he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out 'Armageddon,' my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking that the light might attract him."

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out of the tubing, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a
larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnom suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

TOP 11 SCARIEST THINGS ABOUT THIS STORY

11. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum." - Good start.

10. "As usual,Kiki shouted out "Armageddon" - They do this frequently? (Or, at least they have done this more than once).

9. "So I peered into the tube." - I'm sorry, but that's like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to stare at the sun.

8. The poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self esteem) being shot out out the guy's ass like Rocky the Flying Squirrel.

7. Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out ofsomeone's anus. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt the said gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's tunnel of love.

6. People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their rectums.

5. This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those Mormons? I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family.

4. "First and second degree burns to the anus." Wouldn't this make the burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief? How does one ever take a healthy dump after something like this? And the smell of a burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of God's green earth.

3. People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for: "Idiotic men who shove rodents up their butts."

2. What kind of hospital would hold a press conference on this?

Her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs.

He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams...and he thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the works.

He covers a wide and varied assortment of sub-topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge.

Her father finally asks, "So what did you want to know about sex for?"

The stewardess noticed that he was taking short steps and had a look of pain on his face.

"Sir", she said, "You may use the ladies' room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall." He would have promised anything and said so.

The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there savoring the feeling, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling. Men's restrooms don't have things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The Ladies' restroom is more than a restroom. It is a place of tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he could hardly wait to push the ATR button, which he knew would bring him supreme ecstasy...

He knew he was in a hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a "smirk" on her face.

"What happened?", he exclaimed.

"You pushed one too many buttons", replied the nurse. "The last button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was
them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

All of a sudden a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

"Well, now." says the old lady "I guess I would like to be really rich."

*POOF* her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."

*POOF* she turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother.

Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them.

"Ooh-can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.

*POOF* there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.

She stares at him, smitten.

With a smile that makes her knees weak he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear ....

The cop asked the farmer, "Don't you know it is against the law to ride with a pig in the front of you truck?"

The farmer replied, "No, I didn't knowed that."

The cop ask the farmer where he was going and he said, "To Jackson".

The cop said, "I'll let you off the hook this time if you promise to take the pig to the zoo when you get to Jackson."

So the farmer promised he would.

Several days later the cop spotted the farmer with the pig driving down the road and he pulled him over again.

The cop said "I thought I told you to take this pig to the zoo when you got to Jackson."

A surprising coincidence was that both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth; so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother.

Tell you what, maybe I could kind of slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a
bunny."

"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny in obvious excitement.

The bunny suggested to the snake, "maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're scaly and slimy, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls.

"Darling wife,"the husband whispers, "Assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if ..."

The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.

2. Ahh, it's cute.

3. Who circumcised you?

4. Why don't we just cuddle?

5. You know they have surgery to fix that.

6. It's more fun to look at.

7. Make it dance.

8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.

9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?

10. It looks like a night crawler.

11. Wow, and your feet are so big.

12. My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.

13. It's ok, we'll work around it.

14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?

15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.

16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?

17. Oh no, a flash headache.

18. (giggle and point)

19. Can I be honest with you?

20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.

21. Let me go get my tweezers.

22. How sweet, you brought incense.

23. This explains your car.

24. You must be a growing boy.

25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.

26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.

27. Are you one of those pygmies?

28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?

29. Every heard of clearasil?

30. All right, a treasure hunt!

31. I didn't know they came that small.

32. Why is God punishing you?

33. At least this won't take long.

34. I never saw one like that before.

35. What do you call this?

36. But it still works, right?

37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.

38. It looks so unused.

39. Do you take steroids?

40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.

41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.

42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?

43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.

44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?

45. Aww, it's hiding.

46. Are you cold?

47. If you get me real drunk first.

48. Is that an optical illusion?

49. What is that?

50. I'll go get the ketchup for your French fry.

51. Were you neutered?

52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.

53. Does it come with an air pump?

54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.

55. Where are the puppet strings?

56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.

57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.

58. Never mind, why bother.

59. Is that a second belly button?

Puzzled at what they meant, he went to his mother. "Mom, what's a pussy?"

Not at all shocked by the question, she opened up an encyclopedia and showed him a picture of a cat.

He then asked"What's a bitch?"

Once again, not at all disturbed, she opened the encyclopedia and showed him a picture of a female dog.

Confused, little Tommy then went to his father.

"Dad, what's a pussy?"

He felt that it was time for his son to learn about life and opened up a porno magazine and circled the area between a womans legs.

Enlightened, he then asked him, "Then what's a bitch?" His father replied,

1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the butt and a "Nice hustle, you'll get'em next time." would pretty much do it.

2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.

3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too.

5. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

6. Garbage would take itself out.

7. Regis would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

8. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle."

9. Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps."

10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.

11. Two words... "Ally McNaked".

12. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop, "Nice one, That's
$10.00 off."

13. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

14. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.

15. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

16. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

17. The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.

18. It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

19. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!"

20. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

21. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you".

22. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

23. "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be anacceptable excuse for tardiness.

24. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car.

Between the ages of 13 and 18, she is like Africa: Virgin and unexplored.

Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia: Hot and exotic.

Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America: Fully explored,
breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.

Between the ages of 46 and 56, she is like Europe: Exhausted, but still has points of interest.

After 56 she is like Australia: Everybody knows it's down there but nobody cares.

***** Ages of Men *****

Between the ages of 18 and 26: Tri-weekly

Between the ages of 27 and 46: Try, weekly