As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled,"Up nuts!" And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, "Down Nuts!" And they all sat.
After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" And they all broke into applause and cheers.

Things were going very well, he then decided to go get a beer and a hot-dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned
there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes...There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.

A baby first laughs at the age of four weeks,
By that time his eyes focus well enough to see you clearly.

Drive carefully, It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

Don't worry about the world ending today...
It's already tomorrow in Australia.

Character is what you are.
Reputation is what people think you are.

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods.
Cats have never forgotten this.

A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two
things: 1. Women. 2. Fractions.

The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

A fellow stopped at a rural petrol station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. As he stood by his car, drinking his Pepsi, he noticed a couple of men working along the roadside.

One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the hole.

The men worked right past the fellow with the Pepsi and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man, tossing the can in a recycling bin and heading down the road toward the men.

"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"

"Well, we work for the state of Arkansas," one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the state's money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us--me, Rodney and Mike.

50. Act naturally

49. Found missing

48. Resident alien

47. Advanced BASIC

46. Genuine imitation

45. Airline Food

44. Good grief

43. Same difference

42. Almost exactly

41. Government organization

40. Sanitary landfill

39. Alone together

38. Legally drunk

37. Silent scream

36. British fashion

35. Living dead

34. Small crowd

33. Business ethics

32. Soft rock

31. Butt Head

30. Military Intelligence

29. Software documentation

28. New York culture

27. New classic

26. Sweet sorrow

25. Childproof

24. "Now, then ..."

23. Synthetic natural gas

22. Christian Scientists

21. Passive aggression

20. Taped live

19. Clearly misunderstood

18. Peace force

17. Extinct Life

16. Temporary tax increase

15. Computer jock

14. Plastic glasses

13. Terribly pleased

12. Computer security

11. Political science

10. Tight slacks

9. Definite maybe

8. Pretty ugly

7. Twelve-ounce pound cake

6. Diet ice cream

5. Rap music

4. Working vacation

3. Exact estimate

2. Religious tolerance

To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.
************************************
1. It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you, at age 85, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5,000 per month.

2. My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She is now 97 and we don't know where the heck she is.

3. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy
breathing again.

4. I joined a health club last year, spent about $400. Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to show up.

5. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I am doing.

6. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

7. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

8. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

9. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

"So, did you jump?" The father asked.

"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"

"Is that when you jumped?" Asked the father.

"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a
time and throw them out the door."

"Did you jump then?" Asked the father.

"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."

"So, did you jump?"

"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go.

Finally he called over the Jump Master.

The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 275 pounds.

He said to me, 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?'

I said, 'No, sir. I'm too scared.'

So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat!

He said, `'Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'"

"So, did you jump?" Asked the father.

 |  IP: Logged

Harry and his best bud John are out golfing one morning.

When Harry, returns home that afternoon, his wife asks how the game had gone.

"Terrible" Harry said,"John had a heart attack, on the second hole."

"Oh, My god, that's terrible." Harry's wife exclaimed.

ANALYSIS
Element: Woman
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic Mass: Accepted as 55kg, but known to vary from 45kg to 225kg
Occurrence: Found in large quantities in urban areas with trace elements in outlying regions

Physical Properties
1. Surface normally covered with film of powder and paint.
2. Boils at absolutely nothing, freezes for no apparent reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if used incorrectly.
5. Found in various grades ranging from virgin material to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure if expertly applied.

Chemical Properties
1. Affinity to gold, silver, platinum and all precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. Explodes spontaneously without reason or warning.
4. Greatly increased activity when saturated with alcohol.
5. The most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

Common Use
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Can be a very effective cleaning agent.

Tests
1. Pure specimens turn bright pink when found in their natural state.
2. Turns green when placed alongside a superior specimen.

As he entered the bar he approached the sheriff who happened to be reading the paper.

The alien stood behind him, looked over his shoulder and started to tap him on the shoulder. After a couple of minutes of doing that, the sheriff got mad and threw the paper on the ground and said, "Here, you wanna read it, go ahead."

The alien pulls his dick out and starts to run it over the lines. The sheriff was very surrprised and asked, "If this is how you read then how do you have sex?"

What is the best projector for simpletons? Simplex.

For girls? Christie.

For old-timers? Century.

For Cinema Mechanics? Cinemeccanica.

Jock Jems

Basketball player Chris Washburn, on his ability to drive to the basket, "Yeah, I can go to my right and my left. That's becauseI'm amphibious.

"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann (1996)

"You guys line up alphabetically by height." "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle." Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach.

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why hekeeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so whenI forget how to spell my name, I can still find my fucking clothes."

Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece, "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."

Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships, "I've won at every level, except college and pro."

Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota, "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

1992 - Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record, "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager,I just can't figure out where else to play."

1982 - Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice, "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."

1991 - Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books, "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet."

1991 - Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons, "It's basically thesame, just darker."

1991 - Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player, "Itold him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

1991 - Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins, "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

- Dr. Seuss coined the word "nerd" in his 1950 book "If I Ran the Zoo"

- It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.

- Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

- There are an average of 178 sesame seeds on a McDonald's Big Mac bun.

- The world's termites outweigh the world's humans 10 to 1.

- Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than new cars.

- The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

- When Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle, it travels at a rate of 25 miles per year.

- It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.

- The Bible has been translated into Klingon.

- Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of their hands.

- Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka.

- Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.

- On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.

- In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined.

- Reno, Nevada is west of Los Angeles, California.

- Average lifespan of a major league baseball: 5 pitches.

- Average age of top GM executives in 1994: 49.8 years. Average age of the Rolling Stones: 50.6.

- Elephants can't jump. Every other mammal can.

- The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

- Five Jell-O flavors that flopped: celery, coffee, cola, apple, and chocolate.

- According to one study, 24% of lawns have some sort of lawn ornament in their yard.

He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, and he couldn't find a ringer quarterback that would ensure a SuperBowl win.

Then one night, watching CNN, he saw the war zone in Bosnia. In th background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 200 yards away... ka-boom! He threw another hand grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away--ka-blooey! A car passes going 90 miles an hour--bulls-eye! Right
into the barely open window.

"I've got to get this guy," Al says to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. Predictably, the young man breaks all the NFL records for completed passes, and the Raiders go on to win the SuperBowl.

The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of that year's SuperBowl, and when Al asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother. "Mom," the young man says into the receiver, "I just won the SuperBowl."

"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us. You're not my son."

"I don't think you understand, mother," the young man pleads. "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm in the middle of thousands of adoring fans."

By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"

The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food.

The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer.

A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen and listen good. That is my chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"

The man calmly looks at the chicken, gets up, drops his pants, picks up the chicken and sticks his dick in the bird's ass.