You Have Been Online For...

You have been online for 46 minutes.

Do you want to stay on-line?

Please respond within 10 minutes or you will be logged off.

You have been online for 92 minutes?

Do you still want to stay on-line? P

lease respond within 10 minutes or you will be logged off.

You have been online for 135 minutes?

Not to put pressure on you, but there are other people in the world who would like to sign on.

You DO realize that you have been online for 184 minutes, right?

When was the last time that you were outside?

OK, this is getting ridiculous! You have been online for 240 minutes.

Frankly, you are beginning to piss us off.

If you sign off now, we will bring back your buddy list, OK?

You have now been on-line for 360 minutes.

We promised you unlimited time, we know, but can't you just finish up now and go read a good book?

You have been online for 467 minutes.

Do you remember your family members' names?

You have been online 513 minutes.

Your spouse has left you and your dog is starving.

Do you wish to remain online?

You have been online 724 minutes.

Steve Case is coming over to personally kick your ass.

You have been online for 852 minutes.

Do you have ANY idea how many HOURS that is?

You have been online for 921 minutes.

Do you realize that American Online averages 921 complaints per hour regarding busy phone lines. That is because of YOU, you loser! Now log off and go to bed!

You have been online for 1000 minutes.

When AOL went unlimited, we didn't think you would take us literally.

Now hang up!

You have been online since yesterday.

If you don't log off, we are coming over to your house and pulling the damn phone out of the wall!

Thank You.

Slogans to Permote Safe Sex

1. Cover your stump before you hump.

2. Before you attacker, cover your whacker.

3. Don't be silly cover your willy.

4. When in doubt, shroud your spout.

5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner.

6. You can't go wrong when you shield your dong.

7. If you're not going to sack it go home & whack it.

8. If you think she's spunky cover your monkey.

9. It will be sweeter if you wrap peter.

10. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick.

11. If you're going into heat, package your meat.

12. When your undressing your Venus wrap up your penis.

13. Especially in December, gift wrap your member.

14. Never, never deck her, with an unwrapped packet.

15. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool.

16. The right selection will protect your erection.

17. Wrap it in oil before you see if she's boiled.

18. A crank with armor will never harm her.

They agreed it was.
The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. "Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognise that this is your life.

"The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

"The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. the small stuff."

"If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal."

"Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

But then...

A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.

The moral of this tale is: that no matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER!

WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ (Test Yourself)

1. How long did the Hundred Years War last?

2. Which country makes Panama hats?

3. From which animal do we get cat gut?

4. In which month do the Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5. What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6. The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what bird?

7. What was King George VI's first name?

8. What color is the purple finch?

9. Where are Chinese goose berries from?

* Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.

* 21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.

* Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.

* 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.

* 85% of men don't use the slit in their underwear.

* 67.5% of men wear tightie whities (briefs).

* The average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years ago it was a 34B.

* 85% of women wear the wrong bra size.

* 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations.

* 13% of us admit to occasionally doing our off spring's homework.

* 91% of us lie regularly.

* 27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.

* 29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store.

* 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.

* 90% believe in divine retribution.

* 10% believe in the 10 Commandments.

* 82% believe in an after life.

* 45% believe in ghosts.

* 13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.

* 29% of us are virgins when we marry.

* 58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't.

* 10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.

* Over 50% believe in spanking - but only a child over 2 years old.

* 35% give to charity at least once a month.

* How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their friends, family, and religion. 7% would murder.

* 69% eat the cake before the frosting.

* When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.

* 85% of us will eat Spam this year.

* 70% of us drink orange juice daily.

* Snickers is the most popular candy.

* 22% of us skip lunch daily.

* 9% of us skip breakfast daily.

* 66% of us eat cereal regularly.

* 22% of all restaurant meals include French fries.

* 14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.

* Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.

* 45% use mouthwash every day.

* 22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.

* The typical shower is 101 degrees F.

* Nearly 1/3 of US women color their hair.

* 9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.

* 53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.

* 58% of women paint their nails regularly.

* 62% of us pop our zits.

* 33% of women lie about their weight. (Only 33%?)

* 10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.

* 57% have had deja vu.

* 49% believe in ESP.

* 4 out of 5 of us have suffered from hemorrhoids.

* The average girl starts her period at age 12.

* 44% have broken a bone.

* Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level.

* 14% have attended a self-help meeting.

* 15% regularly go to a shrink.

* 78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.

* 46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after they've used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up.

* 30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet sea

* 54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.

* 23.5% admit they don't always flush.

* 45.2% pee in the shower.

* 44.9% pee in the ocean.

* 28.1% pee in the pool.

* 55.2% will let someone else come in the bathroom while they're sitting on the toilet.

* 39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet.

* 17% have been caught by the host.

* 81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants.

* 29% of us ignore RSVP.

* 71.6% of us eavesdrop.

* 22% are functionally illiterate.

* Less than 10% are trilingual

.* 37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.

* 53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.

*56% of women do the bills in a marriage.

* 2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up our spouse even for a night for a million bucks.

* 20% of us have played in a band at least one time in our life.

* 40% of us have had music lessons.

* 44% reuse tinfoil.

* 57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.

* 66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch

* 53% read their horoscopes regularly.

* 16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostlymen).

* 59% of us say we're average-looking.

* Blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves beautiful.

* 90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.

* 53% of us would take advice from Ann Landers.

* 28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the opposite sex.

* 51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.

* On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.

* 20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.

* 2 out of 5 have married their first love.

* The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.

* Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand.

* 1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.

* 6% propose over the phone.

* 71% can drive a stick-shift car.

* 45% of us consistently follow the speed limit.

* 2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.

* 1/3 of us don't wear seat belts.

* 12% of men never use their car blinkers.

* 44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.

* 25% of us drive after we've been drinking.

* 4 out of 5 sing in the car.

* Gilligan of Gilligan's Island had a first name that was only used once,on the never-aired pilot show. His first name was Willy.

* Dr. Seuss and Kurt Vonnegut went to college together. They were even in the same fraternity, where Seuss decorated the fraternity house walls with drawings of his strange characters.

* The Les Nessman character on the TV series WKRP in Cincinnati wore a band-aid in every episode. Either on himself, his glasses, or his clothing.

* John Larroquette of "Night Court" and "The John Larroquette Show" was the narrator of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre."

* Beelzebub, another name for the devil, is Hebrew for "Lord of theFlies", and this is where the book's title comes from.

* The term "devil's advocate" comes from the Roman Catholic church. When deciding if someone should be sainted, a devil's advocate is always appointed to give an alternative view.

* Before Prohibition, Shlitz Brewery owned more property in Chicago than anyone else, except The Catholic Church.

* It is believed that Shakespeare was 46 around the time that the King James Version of the Bible was written. In Psalms 46, the 46th word fromt he first word is 'shake' and the 46th word from the last word is'spear'.

* In 1986 Danny Heep became the first player in a World Series to be a designated hitter (DH) with the initials "D.H."

* In the four major US professional sports, (Baseball, Basketball,Football, and Hockey), there are only seven teams whose nicknames do not end with an "s" Basketball: The Miami Heat, The Utah Jazz, The Orlando Magic.Baseball: The Boston Red Sox, The Chicago White Sox.Hockey: The Colorado Avalanche, The Tampa Bay Lightning.Football: None.

* In 1963, baseball pitcher Gaylord Perry remarked, "They'll put a man on the moon before I hit a home run." On July 20, 1969, a few hours after Neil Armstrong set foot on the moon, Gaylord Perry hit his first, and only, home run.

* When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home to a sellout crowd, the full stadium becomes the state's third largest city.

* Kermit the Frog is left-handed.* The lifespan of a tastebud is ten days.

* Non-dairy creamer is flammable.

* The dial tone of a normal telephone is in the key of "F".

First, get a pen and paper.

Second, write the numbers one through six.

Next to number one, write any number...

Next to number two, write the name of anyone to whom you are really attracted...

Next to three, write down the first color you can think of...

Next to number four, write the name of your first pet....

Next to number five write down the name of a family member...

Next to number six write down the name of another family member...

Remember...no cheating....Keep scrolling down....

Don't cheat, or you'll be upset....

Here are the answers....
.
.
.
.
.

.
The number next to number one shows how many times you should be smashed over the head with a baseball bat for thinking that stupid e-mails like this actually mean anything....

The person named next to number two is someone who will never sleep with you because you're stupid enough to waste your time on something like this....

The color you picked means nothing. It's a friggin' color for Christ-sake....

Number four gives you the name of a dead animal....

Numbers five and six represent family members who are embarrassed to be related to you.....

GOTCHA!

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three foreigner businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating.

She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"

One of the men says, "We are all berry berry hungry."

The waitress says,"So how is whacking off in this restaurant going to help that situation?"

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him.

Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what he hell are you doing?"

"Well," Said the guy, "You see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" The guy replied. "I work for the IRS. Do you see me fucking the guy in front of me?"

A psychotherapist was enjoying a growing practice since he graduated college.

So much so that he could now afford to have a proper sign advertising his services.

So he told a kid to paint a sign board for him & put it above his clinic entrance.

Instead of his business building up, it declined steeply. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his clinic after reading the sign. So he decided to check it out for himself.

One look and he understood why.

The boy only found a small wooden board to paint the sign on and he had split the word
psychotherapist into the 3 words. His new sign read:

Three guys are in an insane asylum.

The psychiatrist goes around to check on patients to see how much they've progressed.

He goes into the first guy's room and he's shooting imaginary baskets.

He says, "I want to be a NBA star!"

The psychiatrist says,"Well, we're making progress," and takes note of it.

He goes into the second guys room and he's throwing an imaginary football.

He says, "I want to be in the NFL."

The psychiatrist says again that he's making progress and takes note of it.

He walks into the third guys room and he's standing on the bed masturbating with peanuts in his hand.

The psychiatrist says,"This is bad, you haven't made much progress the whole time you've been here."

A woman got on a bus holding a baby.

The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me." She fumed.

The man sympathized and said, "Why,he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right." She said, "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

Old Pa Jones tells old Ma Jones that he's going into town to apply for social security.

Ma says, "But Pa, you don't have a birth certificate. How are you gonna prove your age?"

"Now don't you worry, Ma." said Pa, and leaves for town.

Sure enough he's back in a few hours and reports that he'll be getting the first check in three weeks.

"So how'd ya prove your age?" asks Ma.

"Easy," says Pa, smiling, "I just unbuttoned my shirt and showed 'em all the gray hair on my chest."

Chapter 1:

1. Sag, You're it

2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Doc Goose.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Hide and go pee.

9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta

10. Musical recliners.

Chapter 2:

Signs of Menopause

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.

3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.

4. Your husband chirps, ; Hi honey, I'm home.; And your reply, Well, if it isn't Ozzie f---ing Nelson.

5. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.

6. You change your underwear after every sneeze.

7. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendales.

Chapter 3: Signs of Wear

OLD IS WHEN.....

Your sweetie says, Let's go upstairs and make love and you answer, Pick one, I can't do both!

OLD IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

OLD IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

OLD IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

OLD IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

OLD IS WHEN.....You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

OLD IS WHEN..... Getting a little action means I don't need to take any fiber today.

OLD IS WHEN..... Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad, Icouldn't see where the ball went."

"You're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife. "Why don't youtake my brother Scott along?"

"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.

"Yes, but he's got perfect eyesight and can watch your ball for you,"Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.

"Did you see where it went?"asked Jack."Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.