"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

The Boston Globe reported today that Monica Lewinsky, depressed after the media comments about her figure, and wanting a new image, reported to a plastic surgeon for removal of her love handles.

A priest walks into a barber shop, and asks for a hair cut.

When the barber was finished, the priest offered the man some money, but the barber said, "No, you're a man of God, you serve the Lord, your money is no good here."

The next day, he found a Bible and a gold rosery on the front steps of the shop.

A day later, a cop walks into a barber shop, and asks for a hair cut.

When the barber was finished, the cop offered the man some money, but the barber said, "No, you're a man of the law, you protect people, your money is no good here."

The next day, he found a box of donuts on the front steps of the shop.

A day later, a lawyer walks into a barber shop, and asks for a hair cut.

When the barber was finished, the lawyer offered the man some money, but the barber said, "No, you're a man of the government, you help people in trouble, your money is no good here."

10 Ways To Get Fired

Whenever answering the phone, and it's for your boss, say, "He's under his desk screwing his secretary. Can I take a message?"

Strip off all your clothes. Complain about how hot it is in the office, regardless of the temperature.

When your boss is on the phone scream, "Damn it! I'm expecting a call!! Stay off the phone!!"

If your boss bumps into you, start screaming sexual harassment. Talk in great lengths about the state laws on harassment. Get the authorities involved. Threaten to sue.

Sleep with your boss's daughter. Videotape it. Pass out copies around the office. Brag about how easy she was.

Steal various office equipment (pencils, staplers, desks). Frame your boss for it.

When asked to do something start laughing hysterically. Continue this for five minutes. Calm down and say, "Oh, you were being serious?"

Loosen the bolts on the boss's chair. Laugh loudly when he/she falls down. Play innocent.

Whenever the boss starts to tell you a story, interrupt him/her with a story of your own. Make sure the story is boring and has no point whatsoever.

Two bowling teams, one made up of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend tournament in Atlantic City.

The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus, and the blonde team rides on the top level. The brunette team down below is whooping it up and having a great time when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate.

When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them.

The brunette says, "What is going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"

Lady Diana and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St.Peter must decide which of them gets in.

St.Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect ones God ever created and I'm sure it will please him to be able to see them every day for eternity."

St.Peter thanks Dolly and asks Diana the same question. Diana drops her skirt and panties,takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up and douches with it.

St. Peter says, "OK, Diana, you may go in. Have a nice day."

Dolly is outraged. She screams, "What was all that about? I showyou two of God's best creations, she performs a disgusting, pornographic act and she gets in and I don't?!"

Funny Sayings that you Should Remember

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

There are two kinds of pedestrians--the quick and the dead.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead"?

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.

Jury - Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.

Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

One year at Halloween the governor was giving a swanky costume party. All the gentry were there and as they arrived the doorman would announce what there characters were. When one couple arrived he announced "Mickey and Minnie Mouse". As the next couple arrived he announced "Tarzan and Jane" and so on as each guest arrived.

Later in the evening a man arrived dressed only in a pair of undershorts but apart from that totally naked from head to toe.

"Who do you think you are?" demanded the doorman.

Having ascertained that the man was indeed an invited guest from the local university, the doorman asked "How shall I announce you?"

The man said, "I'm premature ejaculation."

"I'm very sorry sir", said the doorman in obvious shock. "I cannot announce anything like that to such a gathering.

Rated PG
1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it.

2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.

3. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.

4. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.

5. Repeat every third third word you say say.

6. Bring your middle school yearbook. Point out every signle person, and give a life history of each.

7. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.

8. Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.

9. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they are talking about.

10. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.

11. Order a bucket of lard.

12. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.

13. Howl and whistle at womens' legs, especially if you are female.

14. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.

15. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about themselves.

16. Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.

17. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.

18. Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.

19. Drool.

20. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs.

21. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.

22. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her "What took you so long in the restroom?!?"

23. Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.

24. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.

25. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up.

26. Ask your date how much money they have with them.

27. Order for your date. Order something nasty.

28. Communicate in mime the entire evening.

29. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where you have a you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.

30. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.

31. Hum. Loudly. In monotone.

32. Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements... i.e anything on the table that isn't bolted down.

33. Hold a debate. Take both sides.

34. Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn.

35. Auction your date off for silverware.

36. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.

37. Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you "never got". When the waiter returns with another potato for you, have the first one back up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal.

38. Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.

39. Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape, and use good judgement in editing to twist their words around.

40. Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.

41. Speak in pig latin throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber language, or just nonsense).

42. Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Insist that they just need airing out.

43. If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite.

44. Bring 20 or so candles with you, and during the meal get up and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.

45. Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a lot cheaper than actually feeding her.

46. Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.

47. Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage of the free refills.

48. Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In a simliar vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on the plate, to make sure no one poisoned it.

49. Accuse your date of espionage.

50. Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults.

51. Don't use any verbs during the entire meal.

52. Pass the hat in the restaurant. Use the proceeds (if any) to pay the bill.

53. Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow.

54. Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you've brought along.

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.

16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.

17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

18. Everyone agrees the work is better after they've had a couple of drinks.

19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.

20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.

21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.

22. The janitor's closet will finally have a use.

23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.

24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross,"

As he inspects his engine, an irishman pulls up and say "Hey there, can i hell you at all?"

The truckie says "I gotta take these monkeys to the zoo, but my truck broke down"

The irishman says "Begorrah! no problem i'll take them for you in my truck, no problem, sure!"

The truckie say's "Would you? thanks for your help here a hundred pounds for your help"

So the irishman loads up the monkeys and heads for the zoo. A while later the truckie has his truck fixed and is driving along Princes Street when he spots the irishman walking along with all the monkeys. he stops and shouts "HEY! i thought you were taking those monkeys to the zoo!"

The following is a conversation overheard as Bill Gates was moving into his new house...

Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."

Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"

Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think its a little smaller than we anticipated."

Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date."

Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."

Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a Stacker."

Bill: "Stacker?"

Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some
furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done."

Bill: "Uh... I dunno... issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way."

Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs."

Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, no rectangular. How do I fix that?"

Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."

Bill: "You're kidding!?" Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way."

Bill: " Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."

Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures."

Bill: "And how do I fix that?"

Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and then you can get back to work."

Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?"

Contractor: "Hey, if you don't like it nobody made you buy it."

Bill: "And when will this be fixed?"

If Edgar Allan Poe had a Computer

Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bedsheets,
Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets:
Having reached the bottom line,
I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command
But got instead a reprimand: it read "Abort, Retry, Ignore"

Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed the options.
These three seemed to be the top ones.
Clearly, I must now adopt one:
Choose Abort, Retry, Ignore...

With my fingers pale and trembling
Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee
Finally I pressed a key --
But on the screen what did I see?
Again: "Abort, Retry, Ignore."

I tried to catch the chips off-guard --
I pressed again, but twice as hard
Luck was just not in the cards.
I saw what I had seen before.
Now I typed in desperation
Trying random combinations
Still there came the incantation:
Choose: Abort, Retry, Ignore.

There I sat, distraught, exhausted by my own machine accosted
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw an awful sight:
A bold and blinding flash of light --
A lightning bolt had cut the night and shook me to my core
I saw the screen collapse and die: No No, my database I cried
I thought I heard a voice reply,
"You'll see your data NEVERMORE!"

Two drunks are in a bar when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner. One says to the other, "Jeez, I really wanna dance with dat girl."

The other drunk replies, "Go 'head and aks her, don't be thuch a chicken shit."

So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, "Scuse me. Would you like to boogey ooggie woogie?"

Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "I'm sorry. Right now I'm concentrating on matrimony, and I'd rather sit than dance."

So the man humbly returns to his friend.

"So what did she say?" asks the friend.

Once there was a rich dude who owned a huge mansion, lots of cars, was an alcoholic, and smoked crack. He even had a huge pool which he filled with hundreds of alligators.

One day he was having a pool party and everyone got drunk and high.

After a while the rich guy stood up on a table and made a speech.

He said, "Anyone who swims across my pool will get my house.

No one jumped in.

Then he said, "Anyone who swims across my pool gets my house and my cars

No one jumped.

"Anyone who swims across my pool gets my house, my cars, alcohol, and my crack."

No one jumped in.

"Anyone who swims across my pool gets my house, my cars, my alcohol, and my crack.

He heard a splash and looked up.

He saw a guy jump into the pool.

Alligators were on him in a second, but this guy did tarzan moves, wrestled alligators, etc.

Finally, he climbed out on the other side.

The rich dude walked around and said, "That was amazing. I never thought anyone would do that!

"When do you want my house?" The guy said "I don't want your house."

"When do you want my cars?" "I don't want your cars."

" When do you want my alcohol? "I don't want your alcohol."

When do you want my crack?" "I don't want you crack."