The next morning, he went down on her one last time beforedeparting. After he was done, Koala headed for the door and was
about to leave when the prostitute yelled, "hey........what about my money?"

Confused, the Koala turned around, gave her a puzzled look, shrugging his shoulders, and replied "Huh?"

"Come here....." she said and pulled a dictionary out of her purse. She pointed to the word "prostitute" and its definition:
"has sex and gets paid."

Yes, I'm tired. For several years I've been blaming it on iron-poor blood, lack of vitamins, air pollution, water pollution, saccharin, obesity, dieting, yellow wax build-up, and a dozen other maladies that make you wonder if life is really worth living.

But now I find out, tain't that. I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 200 million. Eighty-four million are retired. That leaves 116 million to do the work.
There are 75 million in school, which leaves 41 million to do the work. Of this total, there are 22 million employed by the government. That leaves 19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic,the captain bellowed to his first mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on. However, the captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"

The captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid."

The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way.

This comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following
statements about the Bible were written by children. They havenot been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has
been left in).

1. In the first book of the bible,Guinessis, God got tired ofcreating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on
to in pears.

3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

5. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebe like Delilah.

6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

7. Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.

9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

12. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

13. David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar, he fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in
Biblical times.

14. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

15. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."

20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.

22. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony

The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper."

A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one.."

The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish for a bridge to be built from here to Hawaii."

The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the
pavement that would be needed.

No, that is just too much to ask."

The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?"

They all decided that when they jump off the plane, they were going to shoot their weapon into the air. So, the first guy jumps off plane and shoots the bow and arrow. When he reaches the ground, he sees an old lady crying. He said, "why are you
crying?" The old lady says, "Because someone shot my cat with a
bow and arrow."

The second guy jumps out of the plane while shooting his gun into the air. When he reaches the bottom, he sees an old man crying. The guy says, "why are you crying?" The old man explains, "Because someone shot my dog with a gun." 

IDIOTS AT WORK
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the
credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So
I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would
have it, they matched.

IDIOTS & GEOGRAPHY
After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss
said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?" Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of
Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"

ADVICE FOR IDIOTS
An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees": "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal
of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deerwere being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

IDIOTS & COMPUTERS
My neighbor works in the operations department in the centraloffice of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when
they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question:
"I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE
I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell andordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce."
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

Janet responded, "Just because I am aesthetically challenged (that's "politically correct" for ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances."

Hillary asked, "Well,... how do you deal with the problem?"

"Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart that I can."

That night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary slipped into bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and she was ready for him!

She tensed up her butt cheeks and forced out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.

1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

10. Never lick a steak knife.

11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

16. "The one thing that unites all human beings,regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

19. Your friends love you anyway.

Officer: What's 2+2?

Blonde: Ummmmm... 4!

Officer: What's the square root of 100?

Blonde: Ummmm... 10!

Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?

Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno.

Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back
tomorrow.

AUG 12 Moved to our new home in upstate New York. It is so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait
to see them with snow on them. I love it here.

OCT 14 Upstate New York is the most beautiful place on earth.
The leaves are turned all the colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful mountains and saw
some deer. They are so graceful, certainly they are the most wonderful animal on earth. This must be paradise. I love it here.

NOV 11 Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snowsoon. I love it here.

DEC 2 It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and
cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won), and when the snow plow came by, we had
to shovel again. What a beautiful place. I love upstate New York.

DEC 12 More snow last night. I love it. The snow plow did his trick again to the driveway. I love it here!

DEC 19 More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. I am exhausted from shoveling. Fucking snow plow.

DEC 22 More of that white shit fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands from shoveling. I think the snow plow hides
around the curve and waits until I'm done shoveling thedriveway. Asshole!

DEC 25 Merry Fucking Christmas! More friggin snow. If I ever get my hands on that son-of-a-bitch who drives that snow plow, I
swear I'll kill the bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the fucking ice.

DEC 27 More white shit last night. Been inside for 3 days except for shoveling out the driveway after that snow plow goes through every time. Can't go anywhere, car's stuck in a mountain of white shit. The weatherman says to expect another 10" of the
shit again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow10" is?

DEC 28 The fucking weatherman was wrong. We got 34" of that white shit this time. At this rate it won't melt before next
summer. The snow plow got stuck up the road and that bastard came to the door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him
I had broken six shovels already shoveling all the shit he pushed into the driveway, I broke my last one over his fucking head.

JAN 4 Finally out of the house today. Went to the store to getfood and on the way back a damned deer ran in front of the car
and I hit it. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Those fuckingbeasts should be killed. Wish the hunters had killed them all last November.

MAY 3 Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rusting out from that fucking salt they put all over
the road.

Reagan said, "Ask Nancy."

Bush screamed, "Man the lifeboats,"

Carter said, "Women and children first!"

Nixon said, "Screw the women and children."

Bill Clinton is so pleased that they saved his life hedecided to give each one of them a request.

The first boy said, "Chicks, lots of hot chicks."

The second boy said, "Candy, lots of candy."

The third boy said, "A coffin next to Grants tomb."

Bill Clinton asked why he wanted a coffin next to Grant's
tomb. and

One day, Hercules, Snow White and the Quasimoto (Hunchback of Notre Dame) were standing around talking.

Hercules spoke up and said, "I bet I am the strongest man in the world."

Snow White then looked around and said, "Well I bet that I am the most beautiful person in the world."

Then Quasimoto looks around and quietly said, "I suppose that I am the ugliest
man in the world."

An old man who had been listening in on there conversation said, "There is a psychic on top of that hill up there, why don't you each go in there and ask her yourself?"

The three friends agreed and they hiked to the top of the hill.

Hercules went in first and came out a few minutes later and said, "I was right, I am the strongest man in the world."

Snow White went in next. She came out a few minutes later and said, "I was also right, I am the most beautiful person in the world."