When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition.

She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.

She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing.

She had him arrested.

The case came before the court, and when asked why he acted in such amanner, the man replied, "When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant.

She sat under an advertisement which read, Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins.'

Then she moved under one that read, 'Sloans Liniments Remove Swelling.'

I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read, 'William's Stick Did The Trick.

'Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read, 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'"

1. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
differentcompanies.

2. Your company's "welcome" sign is attached with Velcro.

3. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.

4. You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.

5. You learn about your layoff on CNN.

6. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.

7. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.

8. Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the
Third World countries' annual budgets combined.

9. It's dark when you drive to and from work.

10. Communication is something that your group is having problems with.

11. You see a good-looking person and know that it's a visitor.

12. Free food left over from meetings is your main staple

13. Being sick is defined as "can't walk" or you're in the hospital.

14. You're already late on the assignment that you just got.

15. You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh, wow
thanks!"

16. Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cubicle.

17. Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes," "in your
spare time," "when you're freed up," and "I have an opportunity for you."

18. Vacation is something that you roll over to next year, or it's a check
that you get every January.

19. Your relatives and friends describe your job as "works with computers."

20. The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures
are hanging in your cubicle.

21. You have make-up only for fluorescent lighting.

22. You have so many different phone numbers on your business card that
nobody can ultimately reach you.

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"

"Yes", said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then asked the parrot,"What's your name?"

"Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot", sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"

1. The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929 "7" was selected because the
original containers were 7 ounces. "UP" indicated the direction of the bubbles.

2. Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.

3. Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

4. The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.

5. American car horns beep in the tone of F.

6. No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.

7. Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

8. 1 in every 4 Americans has appeared on television.

9. You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

10. Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.

11. The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

12. The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.

13. A Boeing 747's wingspan is longer than the Wright brothers 'first flight.

14. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1olive from each salad served in first-class.

15. Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

16. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in theUSA."

17. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

18. The 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of varieties of pickles the company once had.

19. The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

20. Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

21. The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer.

22. Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

23. Betsy Ross is the only real person to ever have been the head on Pez dispenser.

24. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

25. Adolf Hitler's mother seriously considered having an abortion but wastalked out of it by her doctor.

26. Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

27. All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public.

28. Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

29. The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in jelly.

30. Debra Winger was the voice of E.T.

31. Pearls melt in vinegar.

32. It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.

33. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

34. The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

35. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.

36. Average life span of a major league baseball: seven pitches.

37. A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why.

38. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

39. Richard Milhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal."

40. The second? William Jefferson Clinton.

"Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.

4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

7.The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9.The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.

10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

Bill and Hillary were married for 40 years. When they first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must
promise never to look in it."

In all their 40 years of marriage Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary, curiosity got the
better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1874.25 in cash. She closed the
box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.

That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed,
saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the
temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the bottles in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointead and saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the Years." They hugged and made their
peace.

A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "Why do you have all that money in the box?"

The Judge asked him "Do you want to live with your mother?"

The boy said "No, she beats me."

Judge: "Do you want to live with your father?"

Boy: "No, he beats me too."

Judge: "Well, then who do you want to live with?"

They were flying over mountains when suddenly the pilot burst through the doors to the passenger compartment and announced, there is a fuel leakage and the plane will crash in 5 minutes.

"There are only three parachutes I'm afraid," he said, as he hurredly grabbed one for himself and jumped out. That left the
three passengers and two parachutes.

Bill Gates said, "I'm very important, and I'm the world's smartest man and I deserve to live." And with that he grabbed a pack and leaped out.

"Young man," said the Pope to the hitchhiker, "I am old, I have lived my life and it was a very good one. You're still young, please take the last parachute and save yourself. My life is in the hands of God."

"It's okay," said the hitchhiker. "Don't worry, we have a parachute each."

"How can that be?" asked the Pope.

"Well, the world's smartest man just jumped out with my backpack!"

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

1. Shouldn't a guy with your IQ have a low voice too?

2. After meeting you, I've decided I am in favor of abortion in cases of incest.

3. Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental.

4. Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.

5. You are as useless as rubber lips on a woodpecker.

6. You've got diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas.

7. I wonder whether you'd still be an idiot if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?

8. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

9. Your job must be to spread ignorance.

10. Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be left out alone.

11. Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?

12. You should need a license to be that ugly.

13. Ever since I saw you in your family tree I've wanted to cut it down.

14. Every boy has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege.

15. Grasp your ears firmly and remove your head from your ass.

16. You have the IQ of lint.

17. You are depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

18. You are living proof that man can live without a brain.

19. People would follow you anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

20. I don't mind that you are talking so long as you don't mind that I'm not listening.

21. I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.

22. I feel sorry for you because you are so homely but I feel even sorrier for other people because they have to look at you.

23. I know you're a self-made man. It's nice of you to take the blame.

24. I know you're not as stupid as you look. Nobody could be.

25. I used to think that you were a big pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.

26. I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.

27. If I had a face like yours, I'd sue my parents.

28. If I want your stupid opinion, I'll beat it out of you.

29. If I wanted to hear from an ass, I'd fart.

30. If you don't like my opinion of you - improve yourself.

31. I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.

32. I'm glad to see you're not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.

33. It is mind over matter. I don't mind, because you don't matter.

34. I've come across decomposing bodies that are less offensive than you are.

35. I've seen people like you, but I had to pay admission.

36. Look, don't go to a mind reader; go to a palmist; I know you've got a palm.

37. Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.

38. People can't say that you have absolutely nothing. After all, you have inferiority!

39. Perhaps your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as awarning to others.

40. Someone said you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.

41. The inbreeding is certainly obvious in your family.

42. We all spring from apes but you didn't spring far enough.

43. We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm God.

44. When you fell out of the ugly tree, you hit every branch on the way down.

45. When you were a child your mother wanted to hire someone to take care of you but the Mafia wanted too much.

46. When you were born, God admitted that even He could make a mistake!

47. You are about as useful as a windshield wiper on a goat's ass.

48. You are living proof that manure can grow legs and walk.

49. You have an inferiority complex - and it's fully justified.

50. Aren't you the poster child for birth control?

Police office George and officer Mary had been assigned to walk the beat. They had only been out a short while when Mary said "Damn, I was running late this morning and forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the station to get them."

George replied, "We don't have to go back, just give Gizmo, my trusty police dog, one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you."

It was a hot day, and Mary didn't feel like heading back to the station, so she lifted her skirt for the dog. Gizmo's nose shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting. After 10 seconds of sniffing, Gizmo's ears pick up, he sniffs the wind, and he is off in a flash towards the station house.

Five minutes go by and no sign of Gizmo.

Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen.

Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.

"Hello?"

"Hello, is this KGB?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood."

"This will be noted."

Next day, the KGB goons come over to Rabinovitz's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Yankel Rabinovitz and leave.

The phone rings at Rabinovitz's house.

"Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?"

"Yes."

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yes, they did."

Many colleges and business's tend to strip the last name down to 6 characters and add the first and last initial to either the beginning or end to make up an E- Mailaddress. For example, Mary L. Ferguson = mlfergus or fergusml. They are just now beginning to realize the problems that may happen when you have a large and diverse pool of people to choose from. Add to that a large database of company or college acronyms and you havesome very funny addresses. Probably not funny to the individualinvolved, however:

TOP TEN Actual E-mail Addresses
===============================

10. Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) - eatonsht@dku.edu

9. Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University) - cumminme@fu.edu

8. George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.) -
blowmegd@dropdrawers.com

7. Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) -
dickinme@iup.edu

6. Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) - kissinfk@lvu.edu

5. Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating) -
beeranbj@myplace.com

4. Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) - aspicker@pu.edu

3. Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) - ibballin@bsu.edu

2. Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division,
Overton Canada) - btkisser@bendover.com

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could talk about him using the car. His father said, "Son, I'm really proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair and even Jesus had long hair."

Confused, he went up to his teacher's desk and asked what purple passion was.

The teacher's face went white and she asked "Where did you hear that?" He replied, " I was reading my book and I came across the words "purple passion". What does it mean?"

The teacher marched him down the hall to the principal's office and told him to repeat the problem to the principal.

"Well, I was reading my book and I came across the words 'purple passion'. I asked my teacher what it meant and she sent me to you." The principal got this horrified look on his face and he said "I think I'm going to have to call your mother and have you go home."

When the boy got home his mother asked him "what are you doing home so early?"

The little boy answered, "Well, I was reading this book and I came across the words 'purple passion'. I asked my teacher what it was and she sent me to the principal's office. I asked him and he sent me home."

The mother looked almost ready to cry. "Go up to your room. Your father can deal with you when he gets home."

When his father got home, he went up to the little boy's room and asked "what's going on?"

The little boy looked up and said "well, today in school I was reading a book and I came across the words 'purple passion'. I asked my teacher what it meant and she sent me to the principal's office. He called mom and sent me home. when I got home, mom told me to go to my room until you got home. What's 'purple passion'?"

The father was so angry, he picked up the little boy, carried him downstairs and threw him out. "Don't you ever come back,"he yelled.

So the little boy was walking along, all upset when this policeman came along and asked what he was doing out at this time of night. "well, I was in school reading a book and I came across the words 'purple passion' I asked my teacher what it meant and she sent me to the principal who sent me home to my mother who sent me upstairs to wait for my father, who kicked me out. What is 'purple passion."The policeman says, "Get in the car. I'm takeing you to prison"

Fifteen years later the guy is sitting in his jail cell when his new cell-mate asks what he's in for.

" Well,15 years ago, I was in school reading a book and I came across the words
'purple passion' I asked my teacher what it meant and she sent me to the principal who sent me home to my mother who sent me upstairs to wait for my father, who kicked me out. as I was walking along, this policeman picked me up and sent me here. what is 'purple passion?"

The cell mate laughs and says, "That's easy. it's a bar across the street."