A Kindergarten teacher was giving a lesson to her pupils, and she asked them, "Ok, if three birds are sitting on a fence, and I shoot one, how many are left?"

One of the boys raised his hand and the teacher called on him, "None," he answered.

"No, I'm sorry, the answer is TWO," the teacher replied. "But," returned the boy, "if you shot at one bird, wouldn't the other two fly away?" "Well, that's still not the right answer," began the teacher, "but I like the way you think!"

"Ok, now I have a question for you," started the boy.

"If three women are standing on a sidewalk eating ice cream and one is just nibbling at it, one is really licking it, and the other is shoving it deep down into her throat... how can you tell which one is married?"

"Now, I really don't like this question," lectured the teacher, "but I would have to say it is the third one."

"Has anyone in this class heard God?" Nobody spoke.

"Has anyone in this class touched God?" Again, nobody spoke.

"Has anyone in this class seen God?" When nobody spoke for the third time, he simply stated, "Then there is no God."

One student thought for a second, and then asked for permission to reply. Curious to hear this bold student's response, the professor granted it,and the student stood up and asked the following questions of his
classmates:

"Has anyone in this class heard our professor's brain?" Silence.

"Has anyone in this class touched our professor's brain?" Again, silence.

"Has anyone in this class seen our professor's brain?"

First little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue."

The teacher says, "Sorry Amy, but the sky can be grey, or orange depending on the weather."

Second, a little boy says, "Trees are definitely green."

"Sorry, but in the autumn many trees are brown or gold," said the teacher.

Little Johnny, from the back of the class, stands up and asks,"Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! That's disgusting. Of course not!"

This is from a contest at Denison University. The requirements were to use the words Lewinsky and Kaczynski (the Unabomber) in a limerick.

Here are the 3 winners:

Third place

There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Second place:

Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you look such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.

And the winning entry:

That night, he takes it out for a spin and, while doing so,stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya'got there, sonny?"

The young man replies, "A 2001 Porsche 911 Turbo. It cost me$150,000."

"That's a lot of money," replies the old man. "Why do they cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 180 miles an hour!" states theyoung man proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"

"Sure," replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"

Just then the light changes, so the young guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 10seconds the speedometer reads 120 MPH. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror that seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Porsche 911 Turbo?" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on he moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped out run a Porsche 911 Turbo?" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh-BLAMMM!It plows into the back of his car. The young man jumps out.

His mother could leave him for hours at a time while she did things around the house without him to bother her. One day, while she was cooking dinner, she over heard Johnny. Everytime the train would pass the station, she would hear him say "All those that want to get off, get the fuck off, All of you that want to get on, get the fuck on." Highly disturbed by this, she raced into the room where Johnny was playing. "Young man", she said "march up to your room and think about what I've told you about that kind of language.

Sign in a LaundromatAUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHTGOES OUT

Sign in a London department store:BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

On a church door:THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. (THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)

Outside a secondhand shop:WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Outside a photographer's studio:OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO

Notice in a dry cleaner's window:ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.

Notice in health food shop window:CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

Notice in a field:THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet:IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

Sign on a repair shop door:WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

- VISITOR'S CLUBHOUSE -

A woman called the Cannon help desk with a problem with her printer.

The tech asker her if she was "running it under Windows."

The woman then responded, "NO, my desk is next to the door.

But that's a good point... The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working just fine."

Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: "I'd like a mouse pad, please."
Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"

I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.

Customer: "Can you copy the internet for me onto this diskette?"

I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that gosomething like this
Customer: "Hi... Is this the internet?"

Some people pay for their online services with check made payable to "The Internet."

Customer: "So, that will get me connected to the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Uhh... uh... uh...yeah."

Customer: "My computer crashed!"

Tech Support: "It crashed?"

Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game..."

Tech Support: "All right then, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot it."

Customer: "No, it didn't crash - it crashed!"
Tech Support: "Huh?"

Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before! I crashed the spaceship, and now it doesn't work."

Tech Support: Click on "File", then "New Game".

It had one question:"Does Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof. "Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gascools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.

So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities.

No. 1 If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

No. 2 Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Laura Turner during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then No. 2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.

One day ima go to New York to a bigga hotel.

I go down to eat soma breakfast. I wanna two piss toast.

She branga me only onea piss.

I tella her i wanna two piss.

She say go to the toilet.

I say you no understand. I wanna two piss on my plate.

She say you better no piss on the plate you sonna ma bitch.

I don't even know the lady and she calla me a sonna ma bitch.

Later I go to eat soma lunch at Drake restaurant, the waitress bringa me a spoon, an a knife, but no fock. I tella her i wanna fock.

She tell sa me everybody wanna fock. I tella her, you no understand, i wanna fock on the table.

She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me a sonna ma bitch.

So I go back to my room inna hotel, an there's no sheet on the bed. I calla the manager and tella him I wanna sheit.

He tells a me to go to the toilet. So I say you no understand, I wanna sheit on the bed.

He say you better not sheit on the bed you sonna ma bitch.

I don't even know tha man and he call me sonna ma bitch.

I go to check out and the man at the desk, he say peace to you.

I say piss onna you too, you sonna ma bitch.

Ok, everyday this one old professor would start his class out with a dirty joke.

The women in this one particular class decided the next time he decided to tell one of his jokes they would walk out of the classroom.

The professor got wind of this so he prepared a special joke for these young ladies.The next day he started out, " Everyone did you hear about the shortage of whores in India?"

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This memo announces the development of a major new software system.

We are currently building a system that will contain all company data that is Year 2000 compliant. The program is referred to as the "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).

Next Monday at 9:00 there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.

As for the status of the implementation of the program, I have not addressed the networking aspects so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.

Several people are using the program already and have come to depend on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate'soffice and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS.

I've noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid of MYASS.

Just last week, when asked to enter some information into the program, I had a secretary say to me "I'm a little nervous, I've never put anything in MYASS before." I volunteered to help her through her first time and when we were through she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again. She went so far as to say that after
using SAP and Oracle, she was ready to kiss MYASS.

I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future,however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS.

We planned this system to encompass all information associated with the business. So as you begin using the program, feel freeto put anything you want into MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an employee and say "Here, stick this in MYASS".