Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the veterinarian's. One of the dogs was hanging its head and sighing.

The second dog turned to him and asked "What are you in here for, buddy?"

The dog looked depressed, "I'm in big trouble", he said, "My owner has a really nice sports car with leather seats. I just love to go for rides in it. Well, the other day, he took me for a ride and I was so excited, I pee'd on the nice leather seat.

Now he's having me put to sleep."

"I know how you feel", said the second dog.

"My owners have a beautiful, expensive oriental rug. The other day they were late getting home from work and I just couldn't help myself...I shit all over their nice carpet and ruined it.

They're having me put to sleep, too."

Both dogs turned to the third dog in the waiting room.

"So what are you here for?" they asked.

"Well," said the third dog, "my owner likes to do her housework in the nude.

The other day, she was vacuuming and she knelt down to vacuum under the sofa, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and had the ride of my life!"

The other dogs nodded in sympathy, "So she's having you put to sleep, too, huh?"

During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general.

"You simpleton!" The officer barked. "Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?"

"Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically.

The American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna.

The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied "only a little while".

The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish?

The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.

The American then asked, "but what do you do with the rest of your time?"

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life, senor."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing
village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will this all take?"

To which the American replied, "15-20 years."

"But what then, senor?"

The American laughed and said that's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions.

"Millions, senor? Then what?"

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job.

Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.

More paraphrased bloopers gleaned from Kermit Schafer's book
"Blunderful World of Bloopers."
________________________________________________________________

Commercial: This special offer is good tomorrow only and will take place at our wholesale whorehouse......I beg your pardon....Our wholesale warehouse.

Ball game: An announcer observing two spectators necking in the bleachers at a baseball game - "Ha, there's two lovers in our stands. He kisses her on the strikesand she kisses him on the balls."

Soap oprea slip: "When Mary said she was leaving me after all these years and taking the children with her, I was just flabberbastard...er.. .flaggergasted... ..faggerbastard!"

From a beauty contest judge: "With all this feminine pulchritude around, you have to grasp for breast....I mean gasp for breath!"

DJ flub: "Let's hear from the Mills Brothers singing 'Be My Wife's Companion". ...uh....that should be "Be My Life's Companion."

Emcee: What do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a maid. I do housework and take care of a large family.
Emcee: How large is the family?
Woman: Let's see...there are four boys, three girls, one adult and one adultress.

On another show:
Emcee: What is the greatest surprise you ever received?
Woman: It was the time my husband came home from the army. I awoke one morning to see him standing by my bed with a discharge in his hand.

Appropos sponsor: There's excitement in store tonight as Milk of Magnesia bring you Ann Sheridan in "Women on the Run."

Game show stopper -
Question: What do you find on pool tables that you'd also find in men's trousers?
The answer should have been "pockets".

Pass the vermin -
Men, when you take your girl out for dinner, atmosphere means a lot. You'll find the best German food and the best atmosphere at Otto's Ratcellar....er...Rathskeller.

A car broke down on the side of the road and the man, John,didn't know how to fix it.

He walked to a farm he had seen about a mile back and he asked if he could use the phone.

The man called his insurance company, but they said they couldn't be there till the next day,so he asked if he could stay there till his insurance company came the next day.

"Sure, but I don't have a guest room so you'll have to stay in the barn."

The man didn't like the idea of having to stay in the barn, but had no alternative since it was the only house for miles,and it was getting dark, so he agreed.

The man took him out to the barn, and showed him where he could stay.

The man was about to leave when John asked, "Hey, by the way what are those three holes on the wall, their all the same size and height."

"Oh the are just holes, just leave them alone, don't go near them." After saying that the man left.

Of course its human to do what you are told not to, so the man went to the hole and looked in, but he couldent see anything.

Since he coulden't see anything he stuck his finger in it, it was nice, tight, and moist.

After that he decided to leave it alone. He went to sleep, and had this absolutly great sex dream.

He woke up from his dream in the middle of the night and felt he was near orgasm and needed to screw something. Then he remembered the hole and how it felt on his finger. So he went to the hole and screwed it hard, and it felt so good.

He went on and try the second hole, that one was even better.

Then he went to the third hole and it was so good he never wanted to stop, but after he came like never before he decided to sleep.

When he woke up the man was standing over him. "Finally decide to wake up huh....here, have a drink, it's milk, I just got it this morning." "Thanks, but I just have to know what those three holes are." And after a little convincing the man told him,

 |  IP: Logged

The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe and knocked on the head lumberjack's door.

The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave.

"Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man.

"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down."

The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," said the man.

The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and asked, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"

"In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man. "You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack.

Recently, a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre.

However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading security, getting out and escaping with the goods, he was captured only two blocks away when his econoline van ran out of gas.

A guy from Quebec and a guy from Toronto are walkin down the beach, they come across a magic lamp, out comes a Jeanie and says I will grant each of you one wish.

So the guy from Quebec says "I wish for a wall 500 feet high around Quebec so nobody can bug us again."

GRANTED!

The guy from Toronto says "Fill it with water"

GRANTED!

1 million microphones = 1 megaphone

2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds

10 cards = 1 decacards

1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

10 rations = 1 decoration

100 rations = 1 C-ration

10 millipedes = 1 centipede

3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent

2 monograms = 1 diagram

8 nickels = 2 paradigms

2 wharves = 1 paradox

I hope this proves a useful tool.

**************************************
"If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had 10 apostles."
-- US Senator Jesse Helms

One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.

Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he
had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-3 series BMW.

Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he
still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then
drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

1. Call on a cell phone, from an elevator and ask them if they know what floor your on.

2. Ask them why they need to ask your name.

3. Get two cell phones (One a friend's, another yours) and call under to different names. Curse at them for not noticing you had a split personality.

4. Tell them you see ghosts, then ask why. Let the conversation flow then scream loudly and say that you think your dick just died.

5. Tell them to guess your Grandpa's name, then make one up that has a hidden message (Ex. Licking, Bill)

6. When telling them what you think, say, "Well, Batman...(etc)"

7. Tell them your name then repeatedly change it in subtle ways (I'm Jack, how are you? Well my Grandpa named me Chad.)

8. Blurt out useless information (Did ya notice how the word HOW is WHO spelled differently?)

9. Ask them if they know how many times you've jerked off today.

10. If your a women, how many times you have had an orgasm today.

11. If they guess incorrectly, scream loudly and call them retarded.

12. If they guess correctly, begin to cry and say god will never forgive me! If they try to comfort you, threaten them.

13. Ask where they are located, then tell them to open the package that ticks but cutting the red wire...

14. Ask them if they know if their refrigerator is running.

15. If your a man, go into the bathroom and urinate as powerfully as you can so they can hear you.

16. If your a woman ask them what is the best day to breast feed, now that the child cant seem to get enough of it. Then tell them his 20th birthday is tomorrow.

17. Belch into the receiver then scream and ask them what was that. If they say it was you, ask who the hell is the psychic here?

18. Tell them your outside the building in a red van, the one with the big black box in the passenger seat. Then yell at them when they say it isn't there, because they are looking out the wrong window.

19. Ask if an AK47 kills psychos better, then correct yourself and say psychics.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH
----------------------------------------------------------
1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.

2. Experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time.

3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs.

4. If there's a war you can surrender really early.

5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on TV

6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries.

7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star.

8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating
your sense of national pride.

9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just poop in the street.

10. People think you're a great lover even when you're not.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN
--------------------------------------------------------------
1. You can have a woman president without electing her.

2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it.

3. You can call Budweiser beer.

4. You can be a crook and still be president.

5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything.

6. If you can breathe you can get a gun.

7. You get to be really obese.

8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.

9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy"

10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth. And you are.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH
------------------------------------------------------------
1. Two World Wars and One World Cup.

2. Proper beer.

3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.

4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events due to
   your extensive experience

5. Union jack underpants.

6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer.

7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.

8. Bathing once a week-whether you need to or not.

9. Ditto changing underwear

10. Beats being Welsh.

10a. Or Scottish

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN
-----------------------------------------------------------
1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes.

2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.

3. No need to worry about tax returns.

4. Glorious military history prior to 400 a.d.

5. Can wear sunglasses inside.

6. Political stability.

7. Flexible working hours.

8. Live near the Pope.

9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair.

10. Country run by Sicilian murderers

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH
-----------------------------------------------------------
1. Glorious history of killing South American tribes.

2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees.

3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits etc.

4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans.

5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing.

6. Honesty

7. One sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight clothes
   and risk your life in front of bulls

8. You get to eat bulls' testicles.

9. Gibraltar.

10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN
-----------------------------------------------------------
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN
---------------------------------------------------------
1. Chicken Madras

2. Lamb Passanda

3. Onion Bhaji

4. Bombay Potato

5. Chicken Tikka Masala

6. Rogan Josh

7. Popadoms

8. Chicken Dopiaza

9. Meat Boona

10. Kingfisher lager

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING WELSH
---------------------------------------------------------
1. You've got to be having a laugh, haven't you?

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH
------------------------------------------------------
1. Guinness.

2. 18 children because you can't use contraceptives.

3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road.

4. Pubs never close.

5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in the second Vatican
   Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have sex with
   a condom on.

6. No one can ever remember the night before.

7. Kill people you don't agree with.

8. Stew.

9. More Guinness in a pub that never closes.

10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the morning
    after a bout of sectarian violence.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN
----------------------------------------------------------------
1. It beats being an Englishman

2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.

4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?

6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity
   ratings will rise.

7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge fuckoff shotguns and cover your house in their skins.

9. Own-an-Eskimo scheme.

10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AUSTRALIAN
---------------------------------------------------------------
1. Knowing your great-grand-dad was a murdering bastard that no civilized nation on earth wanted.

2. Fosters Lager

3. Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years
   because you think it belongs to you.

4. Cricket captain not afraid to cry live on TV.

5. Tact and sensitivity.

6. Bondi Beach.

7. Other beaches.

8. Liberated attitude to homosexuals.

9. Drinking cold lager on the beach