He was walking along the street one day when he passed a liquor store. The man decided that he could really use a drink, so he decided to go in."Excuse me," he said to the clerk. "Where can I find a butt?" "Abutt?" asked the confused worker. "Oh oh, you must mean a BUD,"and he sold the foreign man a six pack of Bud Light.

The man continued walking along, and soon he came upon a hardware store. He thought of all the gardening that he had to do at his new house, so he decided to go in. "Excuse me sir," he said to a man wearing an apron. "Can you show me where I can find a fucket?" "A fucket? Oh oh, you must mean a BUCKET," and the clerk sold the foreigner a 10-gallon bucket.

The man kept walking until he came to a pet store. In the window, he saw the most beautiful cockerspaniel. He simply had to have the dog. "Excuse me," he said to the woman behind the counter. "I want to buy that cockandspankit." "Cockandspankit?" asked the confused woman. "Oh oh, you must be talking about that COCKERSPANIEL," and she sold the man the cockerspaniel.

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following; "Emma comes first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."

"You foul mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

Oh, no! Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!-

Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis.-

I'm sorry, Officer. I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.-

Mypenis doesn't come when I call it.-

Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.-

I love giving Mypenis a bath.-

At night, I sleep with Mypenis in my hands.-

Mypenis likes it when people pet him.-

Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fiftypounds! me(Bob)-

Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.-

Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?- Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.-

I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.- I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.-

Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.-

I think Mypenis is getting old because he won't get excited anymore. He just plays dead.-

Mypenis got out last night. I think he's sleeping with the lady next door.-

If Mypenis was a weiner dog, he would be long and hairy and hard to carry.-

Mypenis loves to chase pussies in dark alleys.-

Help! I can't find Mypenis!-

Sorry to be driving so slow, officer, but I was looking for Mypenis.-

Mypenis gets excited whenever the mailman comes.-

Sorry to be driving so fast, officer. I have to take Mypenisto the hospital.-

Shit

Shit is a powerful word. Just think of all the concepts and ideas you can communicate with it. SHIT, as well as FUCK, may just be the two most powerful and versatile words in the English language.

First, lets analyze the word SHIT.

Consider: You can be shit faced, be shit out of luck, or have shit for brains. With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot. You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die.

You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life away. People can be shit headed, shit brained, shit blinded, and shit over. Some people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits. There is bull shit, dog shit, cat shit, bird shit, whale shit, rat shit, pig shit, cow shit, owl shit, monkey shit, elephant shit, crocodile shit, eagle shit, and horse shit, just to mention a few.

There is tough shit, hard shit, soft shit, slimy shit, rough shit,and limp shit. You can shit a blue streak, shit bricks, shit pink twinkies, shit marbles, or shit your guts out.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan. You can take a shit, give a shit, keep shit or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plane shitty.

There is funny shit and sad shit, bad shit and good shit. Some shit doesn't stink while other things really smell like shit.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit. You can be faster than shit or you can be slower than shit.

Sometimes you'll find shit on a stick, sometimes you'll find shit everywhere, and then there are times when you can't find shit at all. You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit in a bucket, put shit in a barrel, have a pile of shit, have a mountain of shit, have a river of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

You can slice shit, spread shit, dunk shit or jump shit, and some people just can't cut the shit.

There is fun shit and dull shit, silly shit, cheap shit, expensive shit, and serious shit. Sometimes you really need this shit and sometimes you don't want any shit at all.

You can stir shit, kick shit or stick your ass out the window and shit on the world.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

Shit! When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation. This means the universe did not begin with a BIG BANG but rather with a BIG DUMP. Keep that in mind the next time you flush the toilet.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else.

Let's now analyze the word FUCK.

As you learned in a prior posting the work "F.U.C.K" was posted, on your door when you had permission to copulate.
(Fornication Under Consent of the King)

Fuck

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word "FUCK." It is the one magical word, which, just by it's sound can describe Pain, Pleasure, Love and Hate. In language, "FUCK" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an active verb (John really gives a fuck) or a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck) or an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), and a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful). As you can see there are very few words with the versatility of "FUCK." Besides it's sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:

The Association of Southern Schools has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer dollars pipelined through Washington by designating Southern slang, or Hickbonics," as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. A speaker of this language would be a Hickophone. The following are excerpts from the Hickbonics/English dictionary:

HEIDI - (noun) -Greeting.HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage:Heidi, Hire yew?"

BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage:"My brother bard my pickup truck.

"JAWJUH - (noun) - The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner.Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck.

"BAMMER - (noun) - The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum. Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left$20,000,000 in improvements.

"MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts.

"THANK - (verb) - Ability to cognitively process. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare.

"BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare.

"IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See "Arkansas native." Usage:"Them bammer boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago.

"ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.

"FAR - (noun) - A conflagration. Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far.

"TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel. Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck.

"TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.

"RETARD - (verb) - To stop working. Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65.

"FAT - (noun), (verb) - a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat. Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whupy'uh.

"RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege. Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats.

"FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic. Usage: "I cuddint unnerstanda wurd he sed...must be from some farn country.

"DID - (adjective) - Not alive. Usage: "He's did, Jim.

"EAR - (noun) - A colourless, odourless gas: Oxygen. Usage: "He cain't breathe...give 'im some ear!

"BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.

"JEW HERE - (noun) and (verb) contraction. Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?

"HAZE - a contraction. Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah...hazeignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit'n'is laf.

"SEED - (verb) - past tense of "to see".VIEW - contraction: (verb) and pronoun. Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City... view?

"Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the State Fair in Texas and was asked to fill in to be a judge at a chili cook-off. Apparently the original judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (NativeTexans) that it would be a fun event and a true taste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Brad's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Dwayne's After burner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what Iam supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off 3 people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn
Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT,just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato.Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and 4 people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snowcone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, & the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it int hrough the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

The guy looked over at him and said, "Hello." The little man said, "Hi, I'm a leprechaun!"

The guy was amazed.

The leprechaun said "I like you. I am going to grant you 3 wishes."

The guy was skeptical but he decided to go along with it. The guy said, "Okay, I want a big house."

The leprechaun said, "When you return home, you will have a huge mansion!"

The guy said, "And then I want a beautiful woman for my own."

The leprechaun said, "I will give you a woman so wonderful you will never look at anyone else."

The guy didn't know what to wish for 3rd. He looked over and saw the size of this leprechaun's dick. It was huge.

He said "Okay,my third wish is to have a big dick as big as yours."

The leprechaun said, "I'll give it to you if you let me screw you up the butt." The guy didn't want to, but he really wanted a big dick. So the two were tearing it up! All the sudden the guy yelled out, "I can't believe I'm letting a leprechaun screw me up the butt!"

=====

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

=====

What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Mississippi?
A documentary.

=====

Where was the toothbrush invented?
Oklahoma. If it was invented anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush.
=====

A Mississippi State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40.He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says, "Bout What?"

=====

Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Texas State Lottery?
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

=====

Why did O.J. Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.

=====

Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Little Rock,Arkansas, burned down? Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.

=====
What's the best thing to ever come out of Arkansas? I-40.

=====

Two Mississippians are walking down different ends of a street toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet,one says, "Hey, Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?" "Jus' some chickens." "If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?" "Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them." "OK, Ummm.....five?"

=====
What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane in Florida have in common? Somebody's fixin' to lose them a trailer.

=====A Mississippian came home and found his house on fire, he rushed next door, telephoned the fire department, and shouted, "Hurry over here, my house is on fire!" "OK," replied the fireman, "How do we get there? "Shucks, don't you still have those big red trucks?"

=====

Why do folks in Kentucky go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more? Cuz 17 and under not admitted.

=====

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"   

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice that she knows how to use it and that she will if required so get out ofthe car.

The 4 men didn't wait around for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, where upon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the drivers seat. Small problem, her key wouldn't fit the ignition.

They run for miles until they come upon an old barn; they decide to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climb up, they find three gunny sacks and decide to put them over their heads for camouflage.

About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy come into the barn. The sheriff tells his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there the sheriff asked him what he saw. The deputy told him just three gunnysacks. The sheriff told him to find out what was in them.....so the deputy kicked the first bag, which had the redhead in it......and she went "Bow-wow."

Sothe deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in the first one.

Then he kicked the one with the brunette in it and she went"Meow." The deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in the second one.

The voice of the Devil was heard,"Dwayne,you have sinned!!!You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Dwayne was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his doom.

This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and lo! an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7',covered in thick black hair, and flies circled her.

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Joe, you have sinned!!! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this
woman!!!" And Joe, like Dwayne, was whisked off.

Brad, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open,
he strained to see the figure of... Cindy Crawford!!!!!!!!!!!!

Delighted, Brad jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, barely dressed in a shiny metallic NASA-space-age
material bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil say: "Cindy, you have sinned ...."

"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her
new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her
dad." --Christopher Case

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't
either." --Dick Cavett

"I have such poor vision I can date anybody." --Garry Shandling

"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
--Rita Rudner

"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the
video camera and come help me." --Bobcat Goldthwait

"I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget."
--Michael McShane

"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in
the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how
to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to
swim.'" --Paula Poundstone

"I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the
Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be
like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache."
--Jack Mayberry

"I'm half-Italian and half-Polish. So I'm always putting a hit
out on myself." --Judy Tenuta

"Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a
second." --Steven Wright

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better
verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of
that study: Duh." --Conan O'Brien

"Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him
spit. That's why you should never date a baseball player."
--Marsha Warfield

"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up
something else." --Lily Tomlin

"I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was
eight years old. At least, that's what he told us in the
letter." --Drew Carey

"Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease." --Bill Maher

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out
of four people make up 75 percent of the population." --David
Letterman

"I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on salad
dressing and spaghetti sauce....I thought he was missing." --Bob
Saget

"Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that
is still far away." --Billiam Coronell

"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me
was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I
should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone
like you?" --Larry Miller

"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without
a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see
that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much
of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy,
let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a
spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.'" --Jerry
Seinfeld

"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson

"If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see okay?"
--John Mendoza

10. Ellen DeGeneres: Suffocates in closet.

9. Susan Lucci: Trips and breaks her neck while running up the stairs to get an Emmy.

8. Jenny McCarthy: Struck by a random thought.

7. Frank Sinatra: Killed by strangers in the night.

6. RuPaul: Prostate Cancer.

5. O.J. Simpson: Killed by the "real killer" in an apparent suicide.

4. Madonna: Exposure.

3. Unabomber: Mail bomb returned due to "insufficient postage

2. Al Gore: Dutch Elm Disease.

1. Bill Gates: Falls out of the window.

* Why is an orange the only fruit named after its color? Or was
the color named after the fruit?

* Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

* Do they have reserved parking for regular people at the
Special Olympics?

* Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

* Is a computer virus covered by Medicare?

* How do you know when a Smurf suffocates?

* If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the
words?

* In Chinese, why are the words for crisis and opportunity the
same?

* Where do swear words come from?

* Why do people use the word "irregardless"?

* Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

* Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?

* How does skating on thin ice get you into hot water?

* Why do they have signs at Burger King that say, "Picture menus
available for those who need them"? If you can't read, how can
you ask for a picture menu?

* If a case of the clap spreads is it called applause?

* Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

* Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?

* Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

* Why are they called "stands" when they're made for sitting?

* Why is it called "after dark", when it is really after light?

* Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become
the expected?

* If FedEx and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUp?

* Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

* Why do they report power outages on TV? I mean, duh!

* If the insurance companies are going to set guidelines before
approving Viagra coverage, what are they going to use? A growth
chart?

* If a light-sleeper sleeps with a light on, what does a
hard-sleeper sleep with?

* Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a
suitcase?

* Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?