Little Johnny raised his hand excitedly and blurted proudly, "I don't know its name but my dad has two of them."

The professor said "Johnny, you must be mistaken, your daddy doesn't have
two."

A typical married couple were lying in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book.

As he was reading, he paused and reached over to his wife and started fondling her pussy. He did this only for a short while, then he would stop and resume reading his book.

The wife gradually became aroused with this, and thought that her husband was seeking some response as encouragement before going any further. She got up and started stripping in front of him.

The husband was confused and asked, "What are you doing taking your clothes off?"

The wife replied, "You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was foreplay to stimulate making love with you tonight."

The husband said, "No not at all."

The wife then asked, "Well, what the hell were you doing then?"

1. The first kind is smurf sex. This happens during the honeymoon period: you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

2. The second kind is kitchen sex. This at the begining of the marriage; you'll have anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.

3. The third kind is bedroom sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bed room.

4. The fourth kind is hallway sex. This is the phase where you pass each other in the hallway an say, "Fuck you!"

Sergeant: "Did that hurt?"
1st Marine: "No, sir!"
Sergeant: "Why not?"
1st Marine: "Because I'm a U.S. Marine, sir!"

So, the drill sergeant walks up to the second Marine and slaps him on the
butt with his baton.

Sergeant: "Did that hurt?"
2nd Marine: "No, sir!"
Sergeant: "Why not?
2nd Marine: "Because I'm a U.S. Marine, sir!"

So the drill sergeant walks on and notices this guy with this huge erection. He can't resist. *WHAM* He smacks this guys penis as hard as he can.

The vet replied, "Tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles. It will stop his snoring.

To that the woman replied, "Ha! Yeah right!

That night while the woman was trying to sleep, the dog's snoring became so nerve racking, that she rummaged through her closet and finally found a red ribbon.

She carefully tied it around the dog's testicles and almost immediatley, his snoring stopped.

Satisfied, the woman went to bed. As she began to dose off she heard her husband enter the bedroom from a night of drinking with his friends.

The man climbed into bed and began to snore louder than the dog had done. The, woman was thinking that maybe tying a ribbon around the man's testicles would fix his problem to.

Again, she rummaged through the closet until she came across a blue ribbon. She tied it around the man's testicles, and, like the dog, he stopped snoring almost immediatley.

Now the woman went to bed happy.

The next morning the man woke up before the woman. He went to the bathroom to take an early morning wizz. When the man dropped his pants, he was shocked to see he had a blue ribbon around his testicles! Then the dog walked in and the man noticed the red ribbon around the dog's testicles.

To this the man said, "I don't know where we were or what we did last night, but it looks like we got first and second place."A man and a woman had a dog. There dog slept with them, but the dog had the problem of snoring extremely loud. The woman finallygot fed up and went to the vet to see if he could help.

The vet replied, "Tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles. It will stop his snoring.

To that the woman replied, "Ha! Yeah right!

That night while the woman was trying to sleep, the dog's snoring became so nerve racking, that she rummaged through her closet and finally found a red ribbon.

She carefully tied it around the dog's testicles and almost immediatley, his snoring stopped.

Satisfied, the woman went to bed. As she began to dose off she heard her husband enter the bedroom from a night of drinking with his friends.

The man climbed into bed and began to snore louder than the dog had done. The, woman was thinking that maybe tying a ribbon around the man's testicles would fix his problem to.

Again, she rummaged through the closet until she came across a blue ribbon. She tied it around the man's testicles, and, like the dog, he stopped snoring almost immediatley.

Now the woman went to bed happy.

The next morning the man woke up before the woman. He went to the bathroom to take an early morning wizz. When the man dropped his pants, he was shocked to see he had a blue ribbon around his testicles! Then the dog walked in and the man noticed the red ribbon around the dog's testicles.

1. Men are like department stores...they should always have their clothes half off.

2. Men are like vacations...
they never seem to last long enough.

3. Men are like chocolate bars...sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

4. Men are like coolers... load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

5. Men are like coffee... the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night.

6. Men are like horoscopes... they always tell you what to do and they are usually wrong.

7. Men are like plungers...they spend most of their lives in a hardware store and the rest they spend in the bathroom.

1. Go up to random people and ask "How are you doing?" See what kind of conversation you can start. (I met lots of new people this way)

2. Ask someone what another person's name is nearby. Go up to that person and say "Hey, *person's name*. How are you? You forgot my name, didn't you!?" (People normally look at me very confused with this one.)

3. Fall down in front of strangers, and see if they try to help. (If they don't help, I yell out, "FINE! DON'T HELP ME THEN!")

4. Bump into someone and pretend it causes you to fall down. See if they apologize. (This is hard to do, because they normally try to avoid me when I try to bump them.)

5. Walk behind someone until he/she turns around. Then say, "What?"(You should look very confused, so it makes them be confused also.)

6. Run around and jump on things and make noises pretending to be a monkey. (It works with any animal.)

7. Put water in your mouth, and pretend you are barfing when someone walks by. (It's really funny when you chew up some Snickers for this.)

8. Get an "Obsession, for men" cologne sample spray, and go up to people asking, "Do you have an obsession for men? I was just wondering because I have an obsession for me. It's in my pants. Do you want me to spray you with it?" When they look at you funny, take out the cologne and say "What? It's just my obsession for men cologne. What were you thinking of?" (It doesn't work on the people that have the cologne.)

9. Walk behind someone and have an arguement with yourself. (It's even better if you talk in two different voices.)

10. Have a bottle of water and go up to people saying, "Thirsty?" (I got a total of 5 people to drink from my bottle.)

11. Have a newspaper or a book(or something like that) and hold it out to someone and ask, "Thirsty?" Confusion is funny.)

12. Put a chunk of something sticky on your hand, and go up to people saying, "Eh, how're you doing?" and try to shake their hand. (Some people actually don't notice huge sticky brown things sticking to your hand.)

13. Jump kick a wall and look at someone and say, "Please don't do that." (It works with trees too.)

14. Go up to someone and say in a very low voice, "Death by catapult." (There is also, death by spatula, death by rug burn, death by malapropism, or any other weird random way of death.)

15. Get people to join you in your strange adventures. (Twice the people = twice the fun.)

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Really? I heard it was because everyone there considers you a fat slut.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Probably because you will be on your knees gobblin on my C _ _k.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: That's cool, cause after I get done smackin it to you in the back of my car I don't care where you go.

Man: Do you want to dance?
Woman: No!
Man: I think you mis-heard me. I said your ass looks fat in those pants.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
Man: No problem, I can always shoot my load on your back.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: Probably, cause you seem like the kind of chick that is impossible to shake once you smack the goods to her.

- God created men before women because you always make a rough draft before a masterpiece.

- Do you believe in love at first sight or do you need me to walk by you again?

- Don't hate me because I'm beautiful, hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.

- Sex is like pringles, once you pop you can't stop!

- God loves stupid people. That's why he made so many.

- Only good girls go to heaven & I wasn't invited (heh).

- Children in the dark cause accidents, accidents in the dark cause children!

- It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion in the ocean.

- I might not be Fred Flintstone, but I sure can make your bedrock.

- I have PMS and a gun, now what were you saying?

Some of the guys might say:

- MY dick is bigger than your bonner.

- Luvs a sensation caused by temptation. A guy stix his location in a girls destination 2 increase the population 4 the next generation-do you understand my explanation or do you need a demonstration?

- I wish I could live like Donald Duck,pants suck.

- A peach is a peach, a plum is a plum, a kiss isn't a kiss without some tongue, so open your mouth & close your eyes & give your mouth some exercise!

- Don't drink & drive. You might hit a bump & spill your beer.

- God gave me a brain & a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time.

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

5. Drop a marble and say, "oh shoot!! My glass eye!!"

6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place six to eight feet. Sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"

11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters.

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"

13. Say. "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"

14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"

15. Say, "Darn, I Knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"

His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?"

"Oh yes, very much," he said, "but you see, I have very smelly feet and I'm afraid that my fiance will be put off by them."

"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible and always wear socks, even to bed." This seemed a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom. "Mom," she said, "when I wake up in the morning, my breath is truly awful."

"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning."

"No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me."

Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed and head for the kitchen to make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth."

"I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked.

"Not a word." her mother affirmed.

"Well, it's certainly worth a try." she thought.

The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later.

Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, "What on earth
are you doing?"

The first room has a young guy on the wall being whipped. The new guy not keen on this asks to see the next room. The next room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire.

The new guy immediately asks to see the third room. It has an really old guy chained to the wall getting a blow job from a gorgeous blonde.

The guy jumps at the chance and takes the room.

1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day long.

2. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt)....Let's get you out of these wet clothes.

3. Nice legs...what time do they open?

4. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.

5. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

6. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

7. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

8. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher,have you seen one?

9. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.

10. Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.

11. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.

12. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.

13. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.

14. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?

15. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

16. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy

17. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.

18. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.

19. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.

20. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?

21. F@#! me if I'm wrong, but is your name Helga Titsbottom?

22. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on mybedroom floor.

23. My name is Austin ... remember that, you'll be screaming it later.

24. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

25. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

26. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute."

27. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.

28. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.

29. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?

30. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.

31. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why, don't you like pizza?

32. Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.

33. Do you sleep on your stomach? no..........? Can I??

34. Do you wash your pants in Windex because I can see myself in them.

11. No one ever steals your chair.

10. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

8. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

7. So that -with a little help from Muzak- you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.

6. You want to see if it's like the dream.

5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

3. Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human Resources.

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

..and (drum roll) the number one reason to Go To Work Naked:

His wife came home sooner than he expected, used the toilet, and got the seat stuck to her rear.

She was understandably distraught about this and asked her husband to drive her to the doctor.

She put a large overcoat on to cover the seat before they went.

When they got to the doctor's office, the man lifted his wife's coat to show him their predicament.

The man asked, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"