One of my teachers once told me his wife got a sales call.

His wife, Loretta, was giving the sales person a hard time.

Here's how it goes...

The phone rings and loretta picks up."Hello?" she asked

."Yes, this is MCI. We are wondering if you would like to sign up for our 5 cent Sundays."

"Well, I don't know could you tell me some more about it?" Loretta asked.

So the sales person proceeds to tell her about it.

"Well, I am still not sure if I am ready to order this...could you give me your number at home so I could call you with my deciscion?" Loretta said.

"Um ma'am I am sorry we do not give out our home phone numbers." the salesperson replied.

"Why not?" Loretta asked."We do not want people calling us at home..."

"Well neither do we!" she replied and hung up.

Paddy just arrived in America from Ireland on holiday.

Now,never having seen a baseball game before, he decides that now would be a good time.

So, he goes to the park, and gets himself a bleacher seat.

Now, Paddy sees a guy step up to the plate with a stick in his hand.

The guy standing on the hump of dirt throws a ball at the guy with the stick, who then *crack* hits the ball and starts running down the side.

Everyone around Paddy stands up and shouts "RUN! RUN LIKE HELL!"

A second guy steps up to the plate, and then the guy on that hump of dirt throws that ball again.

And again, the guy with the stick *crack* hits the ball and runs down the side. And again,everyone around Paddy again, stands and shouts "RUN! RUN LIKEHELL!"

Now, a third guy steps up to the plate with a stick in his hands.

This time, when the guy on the hump of dirt throws the ball, the guy with the stick doesn't do anything.

And the guy squatting behind the guy with the stick tosses the ball back to the guy on the hump of dirt.

And Paddy is thinking to himself,"What's happening? Why didn't he hit the ball?"

This happens three more times, with Paddy wondering more each time. After the fourth time, the guy with the stick drops the stick and strolls up the side.

Now Paddy stands up and shouts "RUN! RUN LIKE HELL!" and the guy sitting next to Paddy says that he doesn't have to run.

So Paddy asks him why, and is told that the batter has four balls.

Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side.

"But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much better than I, to even it a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas'."

The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it. And off they went.

Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100.

"What happened?" asked one of the members.

"Well," said the pro, " I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand between my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling 'Gotcha!'

A Riddle

A man and woman hobbled into a Washington emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels.

The man had his towels around his waist and the woman had them around her head.

They eventually explained to the doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner.

Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man. While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's member and wrench it from side to side.

In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go!
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A Californian doctor examining a young woman for abdominal pains asked her if she was sexually active.

She said that she wasn't. A later examination showed that she was pregnant.

Asked why she had said she was not sexually active, the woman replied "I'm not, I just lie there."

When asked if she knew who the father was, with a puzzled look she replied, "No, who?"
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In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis.

He complained that his wife had a "rat in her pussy" and it bit him during sex.

After an examination of his wife, it wasr evealed that she had a surgigal needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.

This ninety year old man lived in a rest home and got a weekend pass. He stopped in his favorite bar and sat at the end and ordered a drink. He noticed a seventy year old woman at the other end of the bar and he told the bartender to buy the lovely
young lady a drink. As evening progressed, the old man joined the lady and they went to her apartment, where they got it on.

Four days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a drip, and he headed for the rest home doctor. After careful examination the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently. The old man said, "sure". The doctor asked if he
could remember who the woman was and where she lived.

1. In the beginning GOD created the Bit and the Byte. And from those he created the Word.

2. And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good.

3. And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said - Let the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks.

4. And God said - Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created computers and called them hardware.

5. And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and big. And told them - Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.

6. And God said - I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will make new programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data.

7. And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said You can use all the volumes and subvolumes but DO NOT USE Windows.

8. And God said - It is not Good for the programmer to be alone. He took a bone from the Programmer's body and created a creature that would look up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love the things the Programmer does; And God called the creature: the User.

9. And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was Good.

10. But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill said to the User Did God really tell you not to run any programs ?

11. And the User answered - God told us that we can use every program and every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die.

12. And Bill said to the User - How can you talk about something you did not even try. The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God. You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your
mouse.

13. And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless since Windows could replace it.

14. So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to the Programmers that it was good.

15. And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers. And
God asked him - What are you looking for? And the Programmer answered -I am looking for new drivers because I can not find them in the DOS. And God said - Who said you need drivers? Did you run Windows? And the
Programmer said -It was Bill who told us to !

16. And God said to Bill - Because of what you did you will be hated by all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you. And you will always sell Windows.

17. And God said to the User - Because of what you did, the Windows will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use lousy programs; and you will always rely on the Programmer's help.

18. And God said to the Programmer - Because you listened to the User you will never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time.

19. And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and secured it with a password.

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough tot ake the trucking company responsible for the accident to court.

In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" Asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," The lawyer interrupted, "Just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please ell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me." He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her.

One day a women named Joan was staying in the Hyatt.

She decided to go sunbathe on the roof so she went on the roof in her bathing suit.

The next day she decided to sun bathe again but this time she decided to go in the nude because no one would see her.

So while she was up there she heard someone coming on the roof so she took her towel and covered her butt up because she had been lying on her stomach.

A man walked into a supermarket, asking to buy half a head of lettuce.

The
stock boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man
was insistent: he did not need a whole head, only a half head.

The boysaid he would go ask his manager about the matter.The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce."

As he finished speaking, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "--and this gentleman wants to buy the other half.

"The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.

Afterward, the manager said "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here.

Where are you from, son?"

"Texas, sir".

"Oh really? Why did you leave Texas?" Asked the manager.

The boy said, "Nothing but whores and ball players down there."

"Hey!" Said the manager, "My wife is from Texas!!"

"Really! What team does she play for."

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's.

He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup.

As he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them.

Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife.

The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."

A Philadelphia man died and went to hell.

To punish him the devil put him in a room at 90 degrees and 90% humidity, gave him a sledge hammer and left him to break rocks in misery.

The devil returned to find the man happily whistling while working away. So the devil increased the temperature and humidity to 100 thinking this would work better.

The devil returned some time later to find that the man was still happily at work.

When the devil questioned the man he replied that these conditions reminded him of working on the farm back home.

The devil thought for a moment and then set the temperature to 20 degrees with a 40 mile an hour wind and left the man knowing that this would be torture for him.

When the devil returned to check on the mans progress he found that he was not only happy......he was ecstatic.

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar and with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says ,"We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings".

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully "We don’t serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings.”

The bear, very angry now says "If you don't serve me a beer, I’m going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar.”

The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve beer to belligerent bully bears in bars in Billings”

The bear goes to the end of the bar and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states "Sorry we don’t serve beer to belligerent bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs.”

The bear says "I'm not on drugs."

The bartender says

This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years.

One day, he see's a speck on the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship," the speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks. it's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!" he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her leftsleeve and pulls out a fresh pack of cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?" He replies, "Ten Years!"

She reaches over and unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!" Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of the wet suit and says to him, "

And how long has it been since you had some REAL fun?"

A man walks into a Kansas bar with his golden retriever.

"Hey," says the bartender, "No dogs allowed in the bar."

"Oh please?," begs the customer.You see, you're playing the Royals game, and my dog is a really big fan ofthe Royals."

"You're trying to tell me that this here dog is a BASEBALL FAN?! Both of you get out of my bar," says the bartender. "No animals allowed, and YOU belong in a mental institution. Dogs don't like baseball!" J

Just then, the Royals get a hit. The dog goes wild. He jumps upon the bar and hops around in circles on his hind legs. Then he does the same on his front legs!

The bartender is astounded. "That is the most amazing thing I've ever seen! Who ever thought a DOG could like baseball?! I'm curious though....if he gets that excited when the Royals get a hit, what does he do when they get a home run?"