Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice. After all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names."

There was once a famous explorer who would travel around the world videotaping exotic things from around the world. One day, he decided that he would make a videotape of all the world's dances. So, he and his film crews spent 5 years roaming around the world taping any exotic dance they could come across. They ended up in Australia after videotaping the last dance they had ever heard of. Suddenly, an old lady comes up to them and says "Have you gotten the Butcher dance?"

The explorers did not know what the Butcher dance was, so they asked the old lady.

"Well, there's a very secretive tribe of Aborigines in the outback that only do this dance called the Butcher dance once a year. No human outside of their tribe has ever seen it."

This excited the explorers greatly. "Do you know where we can find this tribe?"

The lady replied "Yes I do, and if you leave tomorrow, you should just make it in time. First, you need to travel 2 hours west into the outback, then 5 hours north. You will come to a mountain range. You must leave your vehicles at the range. Then,
you climb over the mountain range, which is very treacherous. Then, you will need to ford a river at the bottom of the mountains. There should be a tribe of aborigines on the other side that will guide you to the next tribe for something valuable in return. They will lead you to a cliff on a plateau. You must scale down the cliff, and then it is an hour walk across a desert to a group of small hills, and over those hills will be the aborigines with the dance you seek."

Well, the explorer knows that he must get this dfance to complete his taping. So, he and his crew set off. 2 hours west, and then after 4 hours north, their cars break down, so they're forced to walk the remaining distance with all their equipment
across the hot landscape. When they finaly come to the mountains, 2 of the group lose their footing and fall to their deaths. They finally make it over the mountains, but the river has been engorged with a flood. 1 crewman drowns while he tries to swim across, so the remaining people are forced to build makeshift rafts. However, the rafts start to sink, and half of their camera equipment is lost. They come to the group of aborigines who will guide them to the next group, and offer them money. They refuse, and the explorers offer them some of their cameras. The aborigines refuse that, as well. So, the famous explorer makes his sacrifice, and offers the only female member of his crew, which they accept. They are given a guide who leads
them to the cliff. One of the crewmen gets vertigo, and accidentally falls off the cliff tom his death. The explorer and his one remaining crewman set off across the desert, and his crewman drops because of heat stroke. So, the explorer picks up
a small camera, and drags his ragged self across the desert, up the hills, and he can hear drums!

He pulls himself up the top of the hill, and the drums stop. He stumbles down to the village elder, and once they have found a translator, proceeds to ask him when the Butcher dance will take place.

"I'm very sorry, but we have just finished with our Butcher dance."
"Well, can't you please do it again, for me? It's very important! You don't know what we've been through!" "We cannot do that. It would anger our gods, and we neeed them to watch over our livestock and our crops and our water.

So, the explorer heads back to where he started from, and finaly makes it back and resolves to try again next year. So he spends the year renting out a house in Australia and gathering everything he'll need. He gets mountain climbing gear, an
inflatable raft, blow-up dolls, and a car repair kit. He takes all the precautions, and with a new crew, sets off.

When they arrive at the mountains, one of his crew notices a path in the mountains that wasn't apparent, so they drive through, and make it to the river, which has dried up. They cross the dried-up riverbed, and the aborigines have moved away
because of a lack of water. So, they carry on from the memory of their leader. Midway through the desert, however, one car hits a rock and tips, and the other car couldn't turn in time, and there's a horrible accident. By sheer willpower, the explorer
climbs bloodied and beaten from the wreckage, finds one camera that still works, and stumbles on into the village. He is immediately recognized by the elder.

"Oh, you! You have come just in time to see the Butcher dance!

We will delay it for a little bit so that you can be healed of your wounds!"
"No, I don't want to waste that time. I'll be fine. Just start the Butcher dance!"

This is the time he's been waiting for for two years. Finaly, his 7 year work will be complete. He fires up his cmaera and watches the dancers as they come out. They form a circle, and start to sing:

President Bush is representing the United States of America on a highly formal, impeccably planned state visit to England.  At Heathrow, a 300-foot long red carpet is stretched out to Air Force One and Mr. Bush strides to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.

They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London where they board an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white matching horses.

As they ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and waving to the
thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all is going well. But suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast    of gastronomic flatulence ever heard in the British Empire, including Bermuda,Tortola and the Falkland Islands. It shakes the coach.

Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the whole incident but then the Queen decides  that's ridiculous. She turns to Mr. Bush and explains, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets....I'm sure you
understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control".

A young girl brings home her fiance to meet her parents.

After dinner,while the women are cleaning the table, the father invites the fiance into
the living room.

"So, what are your plans?" the father asks.

"I'm a bible scholar," he replies. "

A bible scholar," the father says, "admirable...but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she is accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father, "How will you support children?"

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the fiance insists that God will provide.

Later that evening, the mother is alone with the father and asks him

"So, how did it go?"

An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career.... so they decided to do a small test.

They took a ten dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid, pretending they were not at home.

The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest--but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."

So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive...the son saw the note they had left.

Then, he took the 10 dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket.

After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it.

Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality...then he left for his room, carrying all the three items.

The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn, it's even worse than I could ever have imagined..."

Rated G
A husband and wife were sitting at the breakfast table and the man was reading the ads in the paper. He looked up and said, "Here is a great sale on tires!"

His wife replied, "What do you want tires for? You don't have a car."

A husband had always been disdainful of people who, in his estimation, talk too much. Recently he proudly told his wife he'd heard that men use 2200 words a day, while women use 4400.

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

"Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.

Who are these kids and why are they calling me Dad?

A hard-on doesn't count as a personal growth.

Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

Do I look like a freakin' people person?

This isn't an office. It's Hell with flourescent lighting!

I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

You! Off my planet!

Therapy is expensive, poppin bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.

I love cats, too! Let's exchange recipes.

If I want to hear the patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.

Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

And just how may I screw you over today?

And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be _ ?

I'm not a cranky person, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

SubUrbia: Where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.

Do they ever shut up on your planet?

I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up..

I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

Here I am! Now, what are your other two wishes?

Adults are just kids who owe money.

How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

I have a computer, a vibrator, and pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.

You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Chaos, panic, disorder. My work here is done.

A woman's favorite position is CEO.

Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

You look like shit. Is that the style now?

Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.

Is it time for your medication or mine?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.

How do I set the laser printer to stun?

Ole, Lar's, and Sven were sitting in a bar discussing their wives. Lar's started by saying, "I think my wife is fooling around on me. I went home the other day and found a hammer and a saw under our bed. I think she is screwing a carpenter."

Sven answered, "Ya, I think my wife is not faithful either. The other day I went home and found a pipe wrench and some pipes under my bed. I think she is screwing a plumber."

The husband arrives home early from work one evening to see his wife on the floor scrubbing the kitchen tiles.

Her tantalizing rear is shaking and she is only wearing a mini skirt and a pair of white cotton knickers. Because she is bent over, her panties are showing out the bottom of her skirt. The husband also notices that her panties have a little wet spot, meaning she is ready for him

He tip toes over to her and she is completely unaware of his presence. He pulls down her panties and begins to lick up her juices. She is groaning and moaning and shaking her rear at him.

He gets a hard on and decides to fuck her right then and there. he whips out his cock and proceeds to fuck her like he never has before. It went on for hours. When he was finished, he clipped her over the ear.

She looked stunned, turned to him and said "What was that for?"

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument, & neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules & pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"

At a resort club in France, a romantic Frenchman spots an American lady tourist entering the dining section.

He swiftly rushes to her assistance, with his usual charm and his obviously attractive dialect, "Bonjour, madamoiselle."

"Bonjour!" She answers back, "Can you........?" and before she could finish her sentence, the Frenchman interrupts to say, "Anysing, yes I can, for you. Ma cherrie."

He takes her hand, kisses her palm, licks her fingers romantically and then continues saying, "Just as beautiful and sweet as you are, your fingers are. What is this tasty lotion you use, ma cherrie? And if I may ask, what is this you wanted to be assisted in?"

The lady (at that time very impressed) answered,.

The following are actual English subtitles used in films from Hong Kong:

* I am darn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.

* Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.

* Gun wounds again?

* Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.

* A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.

* Darn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken.

* Take my advice, or I'll spank you a lot.

* Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?

* This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your toenails and leave them out on the dessert floor for ants to eat.

* Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.

Interesting Facts

1. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."

2. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt"

3. Almonds are members of the peach family.

4. The symbol on the "pound" key (#) is called an octothorpe.

5. The dot over the letter 'i' is called a tittle.

6. Ingrown toenails are hereditary.

7. The word "set" has more definitions than any other word in the English language.

8. "Underground" is the only word in the English language that begins and ends with the letters "und."

9. There are only four words in the English language which end in "-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

10. The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.

11. The only other word with the same amount of letters is its plural: pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosesl.

12. The longest place-name still in use is
Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaungahoronukupokaiwe-nuakit natahu, a New Zealand hill.

13. Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reinade los Angeles de Porciuncula" and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size,L.A.

14. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

15. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

16. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button. It was eliminated when he was sewn up after surgery.

17. Telly Savalas and Louis Armstrong died on their birthdays.

18. Donald Duck's middle name is Fauntleroy.

19. The muzzle of a lion is like a fingerprint - no two lions have the same pattern of whiskers.

21. A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

23. There is a seven-letter word in the English language that contains ten words without rearranging any of its letters, "therein": the,there, he, in, rein, her, here, ere, therein, herein.

24. Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

26. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

27. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

28. Cranberries are sorted for ripeness by bouncing them; a fully ripened cranberry can be dribbled like a basketball.

30. The letters KGB stand for Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti

31. 'Stewardesses' is the longest English word that is typed with only the left hand.

33. The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different
ways; the following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."

34. The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.

35. Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic."

36. Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian seal for that reason.

37. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.

38. The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase "Shah Mat," which means "the king is dead."