Crazy Car Crashes

This story is true, it really happened to one of my close friends.

On a rather cold snowy day, Emily's parents were trying to decide if they should let Emily, who was 16 and had just gotten a fully loaded, brand new 1999 Mercedes for her birthday, drive home. The parents decided that she could handle the task and told her it was okay to drive home.

Emily sucessfully drove the four miles to her home, but on the last turn before her house she hit a patch of ice, sending her careening into her neighbor's driveway, right into her neighbor's new 99' Dodge Durango and totaling her new Mercedes. Both cars suffered thousands of dollars in repairs. Emily was uninjured.

When Emily's mother came home in her Lexus she saw her daughter's damaged
car, panicked, lost control of her car and smashed into a tree in the yard and doing severe damage to her Lexus.

Both Emily and her mother were uninjured.

Rated G

In any school district, one must give credit to the creative minds among us.

These are actual test answers from various schools in the Huntsville,
Alabama, metropolitan area.

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar. 

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep, and canoeists. 

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. 

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky. 

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental. 

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death. 

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.  

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U. 

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie. 

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby. 

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
A: The caesarian section is a district in Rome. 

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor. 

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport. 

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight. 

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head. 

Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs. 

Three guys are sitting in a bar, another guy walks in and points to the guy in the middle and says, "Hey you! I just screwed your mom and it was soooo great!"

By then everyone was expecting a fight.

But the guy didn't do nothing.

So the Drunk man goes and sits in the other side of the bar.

15 minutes later he comes back and points at the same guy and says,

"I just had the sex with your mom, and it was SWEEET.." Everyone was really expecting a fight this time, but then again nothing happened and the Drunk man goes back to the other side of the bar.

Then again another 15 min. pass and the guy comes back and says,

"I saw..." and the other man interuped him, turned to him and says,

A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club.

One day she goes up and knocks on the door.

A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers.

She proclaims, "I want to join Your club."

The guy was amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks,"Do you have a Motorcycle?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bike's parked over there", and points to a Harley in the driveway.

The biker asks, "Do you drink?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep... drink like a fish. I'lldrink any man in your club under the table."

The biker asks, "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep... smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."

The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

That does it, he decided. I'm going to start a whole new
regiment. He began attending aerobics classes. He started
working out with weights. He changed his diet. And he got an
expensive hair transplant. In six months, he was a different
man. Again, he asked his female co-worker out, and this time
she accepted.

There he was, all dressed up for the date, looking better than
he ever had. He stood poised to ring the woman's doorbell, when
a bolt of lightning struck him and knocked him off his feet. As
he lay there dying, he turned his eyes toward the heavens and
said, "Why, God? Why now? After all I've been through, how
could you do this to me?"

Brit News

___ From the Churchdown Parish Magazine: ___
'Would the Congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the Church labeled "For The Sick", is for monetary donations only.'

___ From The Guardian concerning a sign seen in a Police canteen in Christchurch, New Zealand: ___
'Will the person who took a slice of cake from the Commissioner's Office  return it immediately. It is needed as evidence in a poisoning case.'

___ From The Times: ___
'A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth, was  rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster.  A coast-guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common these days."

___ From The Gloucester Citizen: ___
'A sex line caller complained to Trading Standards.
After dialing an 0891 number from an advertisement entitled "Hear Me Moan" the caller was played  a tape of a woman nagging her husband for failing to do jobs around the house.  Consumer Watchdogs in Dorset refused to look into the complaint, saying, "He got what he deserved."

___ From The Daily Telegraph in a piece headed
"Brussels Pays 200,000 Pounds to Save Prostitutes": ___
"... the money will not be going directly into the prostitutes' pocket, but will be used to encourage them to lead a better life.  We will be training them for new positions in hotels."

Actual Dan Quayle Quotations

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people." -- J. Danforth Quayle

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- J. Danforth Quayle

"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child." -- Vice President Dan Quayle

"Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/11/89

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." -- Vice President Dan Quayle

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/15/88

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 12/6/89

"May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world."
-- The Quayles' 1989 Christmas card. [Not a beacon of literacy, though.]

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 11/30/88

"We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward." -- Vice President Dan Quayle

"I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good judgements in the Future." -- Vice President Dan Quayle

"The future will be better tomorrow." -- Vice President Dan Quayle

"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/21/88

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history." -- Vice President Dan Quayle

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." -- Vice President Dan Quayle to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/89

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe." -- Vice President Dan Quayle

"Public speaking is very easy." -- Vice President Dan Quayle to reporters in 10/88

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican." -- Vice President Dan Quayle

"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Vice President Dan Quayle

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls." -- Vice President Dan Quayle

"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame." --
Vice President Dan Quayle

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/20/92 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)

"Murphy Brown is doing better than I am. At least she knows she still has a job next year." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/18/92

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/22/90

"For NASA, space is still a high priority." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/5/90

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/18/90

"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan Quayle may or may not make." --Vice President Dan Quayle

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made." --Vice President Dan Quayle

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Vice President Dan Quayle

Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon."

The other drunk stops and looks at his drunk friend. "You're wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun."

They began to argue when they come upon another drunk. They asked, "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"

The Alaska Department of Fish and Game recently issued this bulletin:

"In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field.

"We advise outdoorsmen to wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.

I was flying from LAX to Seattle, and as we reached our cruising altitude the Pilot came on over the intercom. 

"Well, ladies and gentlemen, we have reached our cruising speed and altitude, and it seems we have beautiful skies ahead.  I just checked with Seattle and the skies are clear, no turbulence is expected, and we should be arriving in Seattle right on
schedule.  So please sit back and enjoy your flight." 

Not realizing that he had not turned off the intercom, the pilot commented to his co-pilot, "Well this should be relaxing, all I need now is a blow job and a beer."

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out driving on the interstate at top speed when he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and sped up even more. Then the reality of the situation hit him, "What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

A North Carolina man, having bought several expensive cigars, insured them against...get this...fire.

After he had smoked them, he then decided that he had a claim against the insurance company and filed.

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigar normally.

The man sued.

The judge, stated that since the company had insured the cigars against fire, they were obligated to pay.

A guy sees a girl in a bar. She is wearing a shirt buttoned at the neck.

He walks up to her and bets her a dollar that he can touch her breast without touching her shirt.

She knows that its not possible so she agrees to the bet.

The guy places his hand firmly on her breast and squeezes.

After he does this, the girl said, "You touched my shirt."

Folks, I don't normally send out virus warnings, but this one is extremely serious. Please read very carefully and take care!

If you receive an email entitled "Crazy Times" delete it immediately. Do not open it! Apparently this one is pretty nasty.

It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.

It reprograms your ATM access code, messes up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.

It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.

It will program your phone autodial to call only your mother-in-law's number.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

It will drink all your beer.

It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.

Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and belly button fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate behind your ears.

It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.

It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.

It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea.

It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.

If the "Crazy Times" message is opened in a Windows 95 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.

It will not only remove the tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skimmed milk with whole milk.

It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.

It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles.(Remember Brut 33 ?)

It is insidious and subtle.

It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.

It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he orders the bartender to prepare another double martini.

After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.

The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."