25. It's OK to bleed during play

24. If it's a bad game, you can call a time-out

23. Every player usually has two or three sticks to choose from.

22. There is a limit to the sizes of all equipment.

21. You can still play when you get married.

20. You can change on the fly.

19. Anytime you see an open net, you can go for it.

18. If you can't get it up, who cares.

17. You can pull the goalie without getting yelled at.

16. You can score on all the teams in the league over and overagain.

15. It is broadcast live on TV.

14. Every one can shoot at the same goal.

13. You can shoot in the goal and it's a good thing.

12. Because of the face-mask, nothing can get in your.

11. You always know how big the stick is.

10. It's legal to play hockey professionally.

9. The puck is always hard.

8. Protective equipment is reusable, and you don't ever have to wash it.

7. It lasts a full hour.

6. You know you're finished when the buzzer sounds.

5. Your parents cheer when you score.

4. Periods only last twenty minutes.

3. You can count on it at least twice a week.

2. You can tell your friends about it afterwards

And the # 1 reason why hockey is better than sex---

Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws.

"You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint" a girl in the line said to the little fella. 

Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head.

His grandmother knelt down next to him. "I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles," she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful!"

The boy looked up, "Really?"

"Of course," said the grandmother.  "Why just name me one thing that's more beautiful than freckles."

The little boy thought and thought and finally said, I know what,
wrinkles.

1. "I'M GOING FISHING":
Translated: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid while frying under the sun in a boat with a stick in my hand as the fish swim by in complete safety."

2. "IT'S A GUY THING":
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".

3. "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

4. "UH HUH", "SURE, HONEY" or alternately, "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Means absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

5. "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN."
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

6. "I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

7. "TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

8. "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Why are you still talking?"

9. "YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the phone number of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

10. "I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a total babe."

11. "OH, DON'T FUSS. I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated (for a severed limb): "Leave me alone. I will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt." Translated (for a paper cut): "Fuss over me. Can't you see I'm bleeding to death?"

12. "HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".
Translated: "I sure hope I think of them pretty soon."

13. "I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "I didn't trip over it, so I have no idea where it is."

14. "WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you find out about?"

15. "I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and I'm hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me and/or cutting me off."

16. "YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I'm used to the way you yell at me and I realize itcould be muchworse."

17. "YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Please don't try on one more outfit. I'mstarving."

Note this is an exact replication of National Public Radio interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your post?

GENERAL REINWALD:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers !

This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out into town and party with his old buddies, so he says to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back..."

"Where are you going Coochy Cooh...?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife says to him, "You want a beer my love?" Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is, "Yes, Honey Pie...but the bar you know...the frozen glass..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen glass Puppy Face?" She takes a mug out of the freezer so frozen that she was getting chills holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, says, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres Pookie Pooh?" She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But Sweetie, Honey...at the bar...you know...the swearing, the dirty words and all that."

The Top 20 Things You Hear In A Football Broadcast... That Sound Dirty -- But Aren't

20. The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.

19. He came at his blind side and got him from behind.

18. He's off to the sidelines for a quick blow.

17. It's a game of inches.

16. That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it.

15. When you get down in this area, you just gotta startpounding.

14. He's gonna feel that one tomorrow.

13. He found his tight end.

12. End around.

11. He had to stretch to get it in.

10. He gets penetration in the backfield.

9. He blows them off (at the line)

8. He bangs it in.

7. He could go all the way.

6. He gets it off just in time.

5. He goes deep.

4. He found a hole and slid through it.

3. He pounds it in.

2. He beats them off (the line)

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do
a bang-up job on the trash cans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

True Tale 1.

My company posted a notice next to the time clock. It said the company calendar had a typo, that the union-won holiday wasn't really a holiday at all. The company blamed the printer for this mistake. (Nice try.)

But that's not the funny part. The first line of the notice said, "Please Take Notice." So the guy standing next to me took it.

True Tale 2
-----------
There are two doors in the restroom at work. One is the exit and the other, on the other side of the room, is a closet. The closet door is clearly labeled "closet."

The other day I was using the restroom and I heard an Induhvidual open a door and exclaim, "Darn it! That's the closet again!"

True Tale 3
-----------
My boss had recently learned how to use spreadsheet software. He proudly called me into his office to show me a new trick he'd learned. At one point during his demonstration he was moving his mouse toward himself and it reached the edge of his desk. I watched in amazement as he deftly rolled his mouse around the edge of the desk and underneath.

I stifled my giggling and politely said, "You know, you don't need to do that with the mouse." Whereupon he took offense and said, "I know. I usually grab a book and put it next to the desk and roll the mouse onto it, but I just can't reach my books right now." I said, "Yeah, that's what I do," and excused myselfbefore I broke a rib trying not to laugh.

True Tale 4
-----------
I attend one of the top universities in the UK. My housemate recently surpassed his usual high standard of stupidity. He needed to open a bottle. After hanging around looking helpless, someone handed him a wine opener (the corkscrew type) that had a bottle opener on one end. My housemate disappeared for five minutes and reappeared with an apologetic look on his face. "I've broken it. I'm sorry."

Under questioning he confessed that he had been trying to screw the corkscrew through the top of the metal bottle cap.

True Tale 5
-----------
A VP of our company stood up at our company meeting and askedall employees to look over the new website to make sure it was "grammerly correct."

True Tale 6
-----------
Recently the Southern Hemisphere was treated to a total lunar eclipse. During this event one Induhvidual standing in my street suggested that we photograph it. Someone explained that the moon would be difficult to photograph because it was completely darkened by the shadow of Earth. Her response was, "What about if I use the flash?"

True Tale 7
-----------
A customer returned to our wireless phone store with the phone she had recently purchased. She complained that the phone worked fine for the first two days and then suddenly went dead. I asked her how long she had charged the battery. She replied, "What do you mean, charge?"

Upon further interrogation it became clear that she thought the one- year warranty on the battery meant it would last that long.

True Tale 8
-----------
This is a True Tale that involves a sign I spotted nailed to a tree along a dirt road somewhere in Iowa:

I lost 75 lbs. Free Samples! 555-1212

True Tale 9
------------
I work at a secure R&D facility in the electronics industry. One day a sign at the guard's desk located in the front lobby said, "Guard is on rounds. Visitors wait here!"

Being an upstanding DNRC member, I took it upon myself to add (in big, bold letters) "...and don't steal my laptop!!!"

True Tale 10
------------
About four years ago we had a multiple choice test for one of our digital design subjects. A friend of mine had no clue in this subject but could clearly see the answers of the person to his left. So he copied them.

At the end of the exam we were informed that there were TWO tests, alternating by row! He had cheated off the wrong test!

But he got a good grade anyway!! Why? Because the person he had cheated off had cheated off the person sitting next to him!

Moral of the story: Two Induhviduals make a right.

True Tale 11
------------
The other day at the gas station, while waiting in line to pay for my gas, I commented to another customer how expensive gasoline had become. Her reply was, "You know, it doesn't really affect me; I always put in twenty dollars every time I gas up."

True Tale 12
------------
I was in a meeting with a manager - one of those meetings where the sole purpose is for her to make a speech and everyone to be impressed - and she showed an example of how the figures would be added up. It became apparent that she had no idea how you add or subtract negative numbers. I pointed out that the result of her first example was wrong. What followed was a lively debate on how you are meant to add or subtract negative numbers. The prevailing opinion was that there wasn't just one correct way of doing it, so all the different manufacturers of calculators went with their own conventions. I was told that my calculator worked differently than hers. (And how many meetings have you been to that included a concurrent test of two calculators?)

The meeting ended with her bemoaning the fact that she wasn't getting any "buy-in" for her idea. A few days later she received,anonymously, a picture of Prof. Stephen Hawking, with the caption, "You must be at least this smart to invent your own branch of math."

True Tale 13
------------
An Induhvidual in my physics class did his math with a pen. He had to use lots of Liquid Paper to cover the mistakes. It was recommended to him that he use a pencil. The next day I saw him covering his pencil marks with Liquid Paper.

True Tale 14
------------
A few days ago I went to the copy place. I needed 80 copies. The guy told me that if I made fewer than 100 copies, each copy would cost 4 cents. But if I made at least 100 copies I would get the discounted rate of 2 cents per copy.

I told him to make 80 copies of the front of the document and make 20 copies of the blank back. I could use the blank paper later on for other purposes. He probably never thought of this situation before; he gave me an angry look but copied the documents anyway.

True Tale 15
------------
This is a direct quote from a newsletter I just received. It is the summer vacation edition and includes this tip on a list of "Luggage-Packing Secrets of the Pros."

"SECRET TIP #3: Double the security of luggage padlocks with economical electrical ties. Since they must be cut to be removed, they're tamper-evident. (Remember to pack scissors!)"

Um...and where do you pack those scissors?

True Tale 16
------------
After pulling a ditsy temp secretary off phone duty (she put my phone number instead of the caller's on phone messages), I assigned her to something safe: labeling files. This task did not include the filing itself, which would have required a thorough grasp of the alphabet; it only involved affixing colorful self-adhesive labels to the outside edge of each file indicating the contract number. The Induhvidual cheerfully labeled throughout the afternoon, completing 150 files. The next day, my regular secretary asked why our files had been sealed closed with colorful self-adhesive labels.

True Tale 17
------------
This is one I actually heard several years ago.

Where do you fit in?

CEO
Leaps tall buildings on a single bound Is more powerful than a locomotive. Is faster than a speeding bullet Walks on water Gives Policy to God

Project Manager
Leaps short buildings in a single bound Is more powerful than a switch engine Is just as fast as a speeding bullet Walks on water if sea is calm Talks to God

Senior Analyst
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds Is almost as powerful as a switch engine Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool Talks with God if special permission is approved

Systems Analyst
Barely clears a Quonset hut Loses tug of war with a switch engine Can fire a speeding bullet Swims well Is occasionally addressed by God

Programmer Analyst
Makes high marks on walls when trying to leap tall buildings Is run over by locomotives Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury Calls swimming "Staying Alive In The Water" Talks to animals

Programmer
Runs into buildings Recognizes locomotives two out of three times Is not issued ammunition Can stay afloat with a life jacket Talks to walls

Project Clerk
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter building Says look at the choo-choo
Wets himself with a water pistol Plays in mud puddles Mumbles to himself

Remember when...

A computer was something on TV
from a science fiction show
A window was something you hated to clean...
And RAM was the cousin of a goat...

MEG was the name of my girlfriend
And GIG was your middle finger upright
Now they all mean different things
And that really MEGA bytes

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode

Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail...Kitten On Fire...

I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me are furious!

My roomate got a pet elephant and lost it. It's in the room somewhere.

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.

Stupid, Stupid, STUPID!

And for the Main Course
A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46 teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs.

Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery?!
In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had  been stolen. Police were
shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.

Have I Got a Deal for You!
More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceshipbadly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the  moon also available. "Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars.

Too Well-Educated
In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened."

And Sometimes They Just Make It Too Easy
Los Angeles Police lucked out with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

...Ouch, That Smarts!
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in  his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out   the door. "He was
seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place  inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.

Are We Not Communicating?
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

Doggy Quotes regarding Dogs...

"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant."
-Unknown

"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies."
-Gene Hill

"In dog years, I'm dead."
-Unknown

"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently about nothing right in your ear."
-Dave Barry

"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
-Groucho Marx

"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs."
-Aldous Huxley

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down."
-Robert Benchley

"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in?  I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
-Sue Murphy

"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves."
-August Strindberg

"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
-Fran Lebowitz

"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul-chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"
-Anne Tyler

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
-Rita Rudner

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money."
-Joe Weinstein

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons."
        -James  Thurber

"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets."
-Nora Ephron

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."
-Ann Landers

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
-Robert A. Heinlein

"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."
-Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan

"Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fondest memories!"
-Dr. Tom Cat

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
-Ben Williams

"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem."
-Edward Abbey

"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it."
-Unknown

"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail."
-Unknown

"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does."
-Christopher Morley

"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loveshimself."
-Josh Billings

"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be."
-Holbrook Jackson

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."
-Andrew A. Rooney

"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion."
-Unknown

"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man."
-Mark Twain

"Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane."
-Smiley Blanton

Best Things Ever Said

~Sex is the most fun you can have without smiling.

~Sex is nobody's business except for the three people involved.

~Your chances of getting hit by lighting go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say, "Storms suck!"

~If homosexuality were normal God would have created Adam and Bruce.

~Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

~France is a country where the money falls apart and you can't tear the toilet paper.

~Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.

~Groundhog Day has been observed only once in Los Angeles because when the
groundhog came out of its hole, it was killed by a mud slide.

Smart Thief with Stolen Car

A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it.

The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car.

They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

****************************************************************************
Break Into the House Rated G

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.