Guy Test (Keep a pencil handy to score.)

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:

a. Present it to the president of the United States.

b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.

c. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?

a. Innocence.

b. Idealism.

c. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.

b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)

c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

4. What about hugging another male?

a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.

b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")

c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that (1) He is legally within the basepath, (2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and (3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.

5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...

a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.

b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.

c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.

6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

a. A cat.

b. A dog.

c. A dog that eats cats.

7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy-- you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers--when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together.

What do you say?

a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future but you don't want to rush it.

b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.

c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.

8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her-sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come
what may. How do you tell her?

a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.

b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.

c. Tell her what?

9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and ask you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"

b. "They're in school already?"

c. "There are three of them?"

10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.

b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.

c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody--and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife--is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.

11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation fo the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?

a. He was being tested.

b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.

c. He refused to ask directions.

12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

a. Democracy.

b. Religion.

c. Remote control.

Young Tommy had always wanted to taste the flesh of Amy.

He had always dreamed of penetrating his dick into the fresh kitty-cat that he imagined Amy had.

His friends knew of his urge, so they plotted out a plan for him. Joe, one of Tommy's closest friend (and ideally the richest) came up with a brilliant plan that made arrangements to have all the families in the neighbourhood meet and spend a night at their hotel during Christmas; Gladly, all the families accepted to come.

The boys planned that Tommy would sneak into the room Amy was to be, and lay her.

The important thing was that everybody was to be made very drunk, so a lot of beer and alcoholic drinks were to be availed.

They believed that at such a drunken state Tommy would screw Amy without her noticing a thing of what happened when she got up the next day.

So, on the night of Christmas, all went as planned.

Everybody drank, everyone got drunk and then one by one left for their rooms, until there was only Tommy in the room.

The time had come for Tommy to perform it.

So, he quickly rushed up the stairs, looked around to check whether anybody was around, opened the door, sneaked into the room and in no time he was under the blanket; by the side of Amy.

This was the opportunity he had always dreamed of, so without wasting anymore time, Tommy slid under the sheets towards Amy's pussy, pulled her pants down and licked her pussy vigorously.

She enjoyed every moment that she even led Tommy into dipping his joystick into the very flesh he had always dreamed of.

It was as tight and as sweet as he had always imagined.

He left the room afterwards, happy and rushing to meet the others to tell them about his success.

He rushed down the stairs, into the ballroom and thought of passing through the kitchen to have a glass of water.

As he entered the kitchen, Tommy saw what he couldn't believe.

Amy was in the kitchen with a glass of milk in her hand.

He quickly asked anxiously, "Amy! I thought you're already asleep?"

Rules chicks don't understand

1. Nothing says 'I love you' like a blowjob in the morning.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.

3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.

4. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."

5. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

6. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

7. You have enough clothes.

8. You have too many shoes.

9. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

10. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.

11. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

12. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

13. Nothing says 'I love you' like a blowjob in the morning.

14. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.

15. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

16. It is neither your interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

17. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

18. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

19. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

20. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

21. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

22. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

23. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

24. When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off-ramp, you saying, "This is our exit," is not strictly necessary.

Benefits of Being a Woman

1. Women got off the Titanic first.

2. Women can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

3. Women get to flirt with systems support men who always return their calls, and are nice to them when they blow up their computers.

4. A women's boy friend's clothes make them look elfin and gorgeous - guys look like complete idiots in a women's cloths.

5. Women can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

6. Women can cry and get off speeding fines.

7. Women have never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

8. Taxis stop for women.

9. Men die earlier, so women get to cash in on the life insurance.

10. Women don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

11. Women get Free drinks.

12. Women get Free dinners.

13. Women get Free movies (you get the point).

14. Women can hug their friends without wondering if the friend thinks their gay
.
15. Women can hug their friends without wondering about their own sexuality.

16. New lipstick gives women a whole new lease on life.

17. Condoms make no significant difference in women's enjoyment of sex.

18. If women aren't not making enough money they can blame the glass ceiling.

19. It's possible for a woman to live their whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

20. No fashion faus pas a women make could ever rival The Speedo.

21. Women don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

22. Women never have to wonder if their parteners orgasm was real.

23. If women forget to shave, no one has to know.

24. Women can congratulate a teammate without ever touching her ass.

25. If women have a zit, they know how to conceal it.

26. Women never have to reach down every so often to rearrange their privates.

27. If a women is dumb, some people will find it cute.

28. Women don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

29. Women have the ability to dress themselves.

30. Women have an excuse to be a total bitch at least once a month.

31. Women can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

32. If women marry someone 20 years younger, their aware that they look
like an idiot.

33. Women's friends won't think their weird if they ask whether there's
spinach in their teeth.

34. With women there are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

35. Gay waiters don't make women uncomfortable.

36. Women will never regret piercing their ears.

37. Women can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

38. Women will never discover we've been duped by a Wonderbra.

At a bar, a guy strikes up a conversation with a beautiful woman.

After a few drinks they start having sex-related conversations and the woman mentions that she has trouble being satisfied by guys because they do not like oral sex.

The man quickly produces a box and gives it to her.

"What is this?"

"This is a pussy-licking frog. Whenever you are in the mood, just place this frog in the appropriate spot and let it do the rest."

The woman takes the frog home and decides to try out her new frog that night.

After getting comfortable, she sits the frog in her lap.

The frog just sits there and does nothing.

Feeling pretty dumb the woman rushes back to the bar and meets up with the frog's owner.

"This frog isn't doing its job!"

"Really?! It's probably shy. Perhaps it would feel more at ease if I were there."

The woman agrees and they both go back to her place.

She gets naked and places the frog between her legs. The frog does nothing once again.

The owner starts coaching the frog. "Come on. Good frog. You can do it"

After a few unsuccessful minutes of coaching the man screams out in a fit of frustration.

A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him.

He takes her to a nice restaurant, buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine and on the way home he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot.

They start necking and he's getting pretty excited.

He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.

"Well, OK," he says, "how a bout a blow job?"

"Eyew!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"

He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?"

"I've never done that, what do I have to do?" she asks.

"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?"

She nods.

"Well, it's just like that."

So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it.

A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.

"What's wrong?!" she asks.

Answers Women Have Always Wanted to Know

1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?
It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing. We men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the griping and nagging we have to endure)? Hormones modify behavior. We're just misunderstood.

2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?
Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.

3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?
We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.

4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?
We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well-chosen) words.

5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE?
You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.

6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?
Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.

7. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.

8. WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E., LIE DOWN AND HUG)?
Please, how many hours do you think there are in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men...men hunters...need go roam...starve in cave...must go find wilde beast.... Now sitting on our butts for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.

9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR BUTTS ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING
Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber-toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.

10. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY, "I LOVE YOU?"
Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.

11. WHY DO MEN SAY, "I LOVE YOU" WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME?
Ho, Ho, Ho. Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure-fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.

12. WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?
We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.

13. WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?
Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well that you'll pick it up.

14. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?
This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.

Affair

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremanted, he discovered the longest private part he
had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's member.

The coroner stuffed his prize into his briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't beleive." he said, and opened his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" she screamed....."Schwartz is dead!"
*****************************************************************
Rated G:

Another Affair

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

"Certainly sir, that'll be one cent."

"ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy.

The barman replied "Yes."

So the guy glances over at the menu and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?"

"Certainly sir" replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy.

"4 cents", he replies.

"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

One day Pebbles Flintstone was in bed with Fred and Wilma. They were both naked. Pebbles sees Fred's penis and says, "Daddy, what's that?"

Fred says "Th-that's...um...thats daddy's rock."

A little while later Pebbles looks down and sees Wilma's vagina. "What's that, mommy?" she asks.

"Oh..that..that's mommy's rock grinder."

Top 12 Homicides

Every year the FBI, is asked to investigate over 36,000 serious crimes including Murder/Homicides. Every year the Homicide Investigations Unit puts out its "Top 12 Homicides of the Year".

1. Alex Mijtus, 36 years old, is killed by his wife, armed with a 20" long vibrator. Mrs Mijtus had had enough of her husbands strange sex practices and one night during a prolonged session of "fun" she snapped, pushing all 20" of the vibrator into Alex's anus until it ruptured several internal organs and caused severe bleeding.

2. Debby Mills-Newbroughton, 99 years old, was killed as she crossed the road. She was to turn 100 the next day, but crossing the road with her daughter to go to her own birthday party her wheel chair was hit by the truck delivering her birthday cake.

3. Peter Stone, 42 years old, is murdered by his 8 year old daughter, who he had just sent to her room with no dinner. Young Samantha Stone felt that if she couldn't have dinner no one should, and she promptly inserted 72 rat poison tablets into her
fathers coffee as he prepared dinner. The victim took one sip and promptly collapsed. Samantha Stone was given a suspended sentence as the judge felt she didn't realize what she was doing, until she tried to poison her mother using the same method one month later.

4. David Danil, 17 years old, was killed by his girl friend after he attempted to "have his way with her" his unwelcome advance was met with a double barreled shotgun. Charla's (the girlfriend) father had given it to her an hour before the date started, just in case.

5. Javier Halos, 27 years old, was killed by his landlord for failing to pay his rent for 8 years. The Land lord Kirk Weston clubbed the victim to death with a toilet seat after he realized just how long it had been since Mr Halos paid his rent.

6. Megan Fry, 44 years old, is killed by 14 state troopers after she wandered onto a live firing, fake town simulation. Seeing all the troopers walking slow down the street Megan Fry has jumped out in front of them and yelled. "Boo!" The troopers, thinking she was a pop up target fired 67 shots between them, over 40 of them hitting target. "She just looked like a very real looking target." One of the troopers stated in his report.

7. Julia Smeeth, 20 years old, was killed by her brother Michael because she talked on the phone too long, Michael clubbed his sister to death with a cordless phone, then stabbed her several times with the broken arial.

8. Helena Simms, Wife to the famous American Nuclear Scientist Harold Simms was killed by her husband after she had an affair with the neighbor. Over a period of 3 months Harold substituted Helena's eye shadow with a Uranium composite that was highly radioactive, until she died of radiation poisoning. Although she suffered many symptoms,including total hair loss, skin welts, blindness, extreme nausea and even had an ear lobe drop off the victim never attended a doctors surgery or hospital for a
check-up.

9. Military Sergeant John Joe Winter killed his "two timing wife" by loading her car with Trintynitrate explosive (similar to C4) the Ford Taurus she was driving was filled with 750 kgs of explosive, forming a force twice as powerful as the Oklahoma
Bombing. The explosion was witnessed by several persons some up to 14 kilometers away. No trace of the car or the victim were ever found. Only a 55 meter deep crater, and 500m of missing road.

10. Patty Winter, 35 years old, was killed by her neighbor in the early hours of a Sunday morning. Her neighbor, Falt Hame, for years had a mounted F6 phantom jet engine in his rear yard. He would fire the jet engine, aimed at a empty block at the back of his property. Patty Winter would constantly complain to the local sheriff's officers about the noise and the potential risk of fire. Mr Hame was served with a notice to remove the engine immediately. Not liking this he invited Miss Winter over "for a cup of coffee and a chat" about the whole situation. What Winter didn't know was that he had changed the position of the engine, as she walked into the yard he activated it, hitting her with a blast of 5000 degrees, killing her instantly, and forever
burning her outline into the driveway.

BLESS THE BRITISH

President Bush is representing the United States of America on a highly formal, impeccably planned state visit to England. At Heathrow, a 300-foot long red carpet is stretched out to Air Force One and Mr. Bush strides to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.

They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London where they board an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white matching horses.

As they ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all is going well. But suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of gastronomic flatulence ever heard in the British Empire,including Bermuda,Tortola and the Falkland Islands. It shakes the coach.

Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the whole incident but then the Queen decides that's ridiculous. She turns to Mr. Bush and explains, "Mr.President, please accept my regrets....I'm sure you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control".

Quotes on Marriage

"Love: a temporary insanity curable by marriage" --Ambrose Bierce

"Out to lunch. Think it over." --Sign on a marriage license bureau door

"One good reason to get married is you'll always have someone to blame when you can't find your keys." --John Louis Anderson

"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marraige. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry." --Rita Rudner

"The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing-then they marry him" --Cher

"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend A successful woman is one who can find such a man." --Lana Turner

"Gettin' married's like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain't so hot." --Minnie Pearl

"Your spouse should be just attractive enough to turn you on. Anything more is trouble." --Albert Brooks

"The wedding is a beautiful thing. I think the idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that Men are all the same, we might as well dress them that way." --Jerry Seinfeld

"Women are more verbal than men. That's why when you see an elderly couple together, it's always the man who has the hearing aid." --Jeff Stilson

"The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it." --Ann Bancroft

"A smart husband buys his wife very fine china so she won't trust him to wash it" --Leopold Fetchner

"More husbands would leave home if they knew how to pack their suitcases"
--Leopold Fetchner

"There is so little difference between husbands; you might as well keep the first." --Adela Rodgers St. Johns

"What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."--Cindy Garner

"You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a pot belly and a bald spot" --Elayne Boosler

"Adam was lucky. He had no mother-in-law" --Sholem Aleichem

"Be kind to your mother-in-law. Baby sitters are expensive" --Leopold Fetchner

"What is the difference between the average man and E.T.? E.T. phoned home." --Cindy Garner

"The same time that women came up with PMS , men came up with ESPN."
--Blake Clarke

"You always nag the one you love" --Bruce Lansky

"I love being married...It's so great to find that one special person you
want to annoy for the rest of your life" --Rita Rudner

"What's the best way to have your husband remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday." --Cindy Garner

"Marriage is like a besieged fortress. Everyone outside wants to get in,and everyone inside wants to get out." --Quitard

"While in bed with her husband's best friend, a woman got a phone call That was Sam she said-but don't worry. He won't be home for a while. He's playing cards with you." --Susan Savannah

"When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her"--Sachna Guitry

"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." --Jackie Mason

"Do you know what the rate of literacy is in the U.S.? 86%. Do you know how many married people have committed adultry? 87%. This is the only country in the world that has more cheaters than readers."
--Neil Simon

"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house." --Zsa Zsa Gabor

"Statistics prove that the leading cause of divorce is marriage" --Bruce Lansky

"The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret" --Henny Youngman

Becky was on her death bed with her husband Jake at her side.

He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face.

Her pale lips moved. "Jake..." she said.

"Hush," he quickly interrupted, "don't talk."

But she insisted. "Jake," she said in her tired voice, "I have to talk. I must confess...."

"There is nothing to confess..." said the weeping Jake. "It's alright. Everything's alright"

"No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you."

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! Come get me, please!" "Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset.... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees.

The next day he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Ok, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "the red-head in the middle."