An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love.

However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm.

Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.

The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion..

"Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."

They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love.

It doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied.

Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. "Okay", says the rabbi to the husband, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice.

The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel.

The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming orgasm.

One day at work an old lady went outside to have a smoke with some of her friends on the job.

It soon starts to rain, so the old lady pulls out a condom rips off the tip and puts it over her cigarette.

Her friends asks her why she did that. She just said it keeps the cigarette dry.

Later that afternoon she goes to the drugstore to get some more condoms.

She asks the store clerck where they are.

The clerck was wondering why a woman her age would need condoms.

But she just asked what brand she would like.

Ralph was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present.

He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"

In a condescending manner, she says "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Night clubbing for $19.95, and Barbie Gets a Divorce for $265.00".

Ralph asks, "Why is the Barbie Gets a Divorce $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"

Bumper stickers that I have actually seen:

Official Government Policy: If it ain't broke, fix it till' it is.

Just because you're child was an honor student doesn't mean you know anything.

If you can read this then your close enough that I could slam and my brakes and sue you.

(T-Shirt on a Motorcyclist) If you can read this then the bitch fell off.

Keep honking, I'm reloading.

Two Polish guys are sitting on a bench in the park.

All of a sudden, a bum comes up to them and says in a gruff voice, "Hey, I've gotta riddle for you guys."

"What is it?" Asks one of them.

"What has TWO heads, FOUR arms, FOUR legs and is as dumb as a rock?" The bum asks.

The Polish guys look at each other and one of them says "Well, we don't know, what is it?"

"YOU AND YOUR FRIEND!" The bum says and walks away.

The Polish guys hesitate for a moment in apparent confusion and then start laughing. "Hey, that was such a good riddle the bum told us!"

They say "Let's go tell it to someone else!" They looked around in the park and saw two American guys walking.

They came up to them, snickering, and anxious to tell that joke to someone. "Hey guys!" "Yeah?" The other guys turn around. "We got a riddle for you two!" "Yeah, what is it?" "What has TWO heads, FOUR arms, FOUR legs and is as dumb as a ROCK?"
The other guys think for a moment and then say, "Okay, we give up, what is it?"

The Polish guys look at each other, snickering even more, "ME AND MY FRIEND!"

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE - "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION - "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT - "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY - "Keep laughing and I'll *give* you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS - "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM -"Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA - "You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER - "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS - "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY - "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION - "Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY - "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

THANKS, MOM!

I am a 61 year old male. I had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was the size of a small auditorium, and it was filled with patients.

I approached the desk and gave the receptionist my name--a large, imposing
woman who looked like a wrestler.

In a very loud voice she repeated my name, then said, "Yes, I see your name here-----you want to see the doctor about IMPOTENCE, right?

This works great as a secret language to use around people you don't like whom you want to insult in front of other people.

Old Phrase New Phrase

No fucking way.........................I don't think thats feasible

You've got to be shitting me...........Really

Tell someone who gives a fuck........Perhaps you should check with..

Ask me if I give a fuck................Of course I'm concerned

It's not my fucking problem.........I wasn't involved in that project

What the fuck..........................Interesting behavior

Fuck it, it won't work..............I'm not sure I can impliment this

Why the fuck didn't they tell me sooner.....I'll try to schedule that

When the fuck do they expect me to do this....Are you sure it's a problem

He's got his head up his ass.......He's not familiar with the problem

Eat shit...............................You don't say

Eat shit and die.......................Excuse me

Eat shit and die mother fucker.........Excuse me sir

What the fuck do they want with my life ....They aren't happy with it

Kiss my ass............................So you'd like my help with it

Fuck it I'm on salary..............I'm a bit overloaded at the moment

Shove it up your ass...................I don't think you understand

This job sucks.........................I love a challenge

Who the hell died and made you boss....You want me to take care of this

Blow me................................I see

Blow yourself..........................Do you see

Another fucking meeting................Yes, we should discuss this

I really don't give a shit.............I don't think it will be a problem

Johny and his mom went shopping.

Johny saw this fat lady and said to his mom, "Mom look at that big fat lady over there! Look at the fat lady!"

Mom got really mad at him and told him to not say that kind of stuff about people.

They went into another store and the fat lady was there again.

Johny said again, "Look mommy there's the fat lady again! Look at the big fat lady, mom!"

This time his mom was furious and said, "You wont't say anything bad about anyone anymore will you?"

"No." Said Johny.

So they continued shoping.

They saw the fat lady again and Johny didn't say anything.

When they went to the cashier the fat lady was in front of them and her beeper went "Beep! Beep!"

This guy was walking down the street and this hooker says, "Say, wanna
have a good time?"

"Sure," he says and they were off to the nearest motel.

She takes off her clothes and he keeps staring at her.

She says, "Is this the first pussy you seen since you crawled out of one?"

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and ended up spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary.

Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town.

A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man.

"We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly
said, 'That's once.' We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That twice.' We hadn't gone a half- mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead.

April 15 is tax day in the US, so please read the following to make certain that you have paid all of your taxes for either yourself or your husband or boyfriend.

The only thing any Government has not taxed is the male penis.

This is due to the fact that:

40 % of the time it is hanging around unemployed,
20 % of the time it is pissed off,
30 % of the time it is hard up and
10 % of the time it is in the hole.

On top of this it has two dependents and both of them are nuts!

According to the income tax amendment act 1995, your penis will be taxed according to its size.

To determine your category, please refer to Schedule 2 of the Income Tax return Form 8 which states the following :

10 to 12 inches --------- Luxury tax ---------- $ 50.00
8 to 10 inches --------- Pole tax ------------ $ 45.00
5 to 8 inches --------- Privilege Tax ------- $ 40.00
3 to 5 inches --------- Standard Tax -------- $ 30.00

Anyone under 3 inches is entitled to a refund of 20 %
and special relief as a handicapped person.
Please do not ask for an extension.

Those who exceed 12 inches will be liable for Capital Gains Tax.

Jake, Greg, and John all die and go to Heaven.

When they get to Heaven's gates, St. Peter says that Heaven is the best place ever and that they may stay there for eternity and be very happy if the just follow the one and only rule: don't step on a duck.

If you step on a duck, it starts quacking, and then they ALL start quacking, and it's just way too much racket! Jake, Greg, and John all think that this rule is pretty strange, but they agree and go into Heaven.

Then they see that everywhere there's ducks. There were so many ducks that they had a hard time just walking around in heaven.

Now Jake tried hard not to step on a duck, but he was quite clumsy, and almost immediately he stepped on a duck.

It started quacking, then they all started quacking, creating a huge racket.

Immediately St. Peter marched up to him and screamed "I told you not to step on a duck! Now see what you did?

It started quacking, and they ALL started quacking, and it's just too much noise!" A St. Peter chained a ferocious-looking Amazon woman onto him to stay for all eternity as punishment.

Seeing this, Greg was VERY careful not to step on a duck.

But, after a few weeks, he stepped on one anyway.

It started quacking, then they all started quacking, and St. Peter marched up to him. "I told you not to step on a duck!" he screamed, and chained to him a horrid-looking shrew-like woman to stay for all of eternity as punishment.

Now John was EXTREMELY careful not to step on a duck. Actually, he didn't step on a duck for seven whole months! Then St. Peter came up to him and chained to him a beautiful blonde woman for all of eternity.

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a 'redneck' joke?"

The guy next to him replies, "Before you tell that joke you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs. and a redneck.

The guy sitting next to me is 6' 2", 225 lbs. and a redneck.

The fella next to him is 6'5", 250 lbs. and a redneck.

Do you still want to tell that joke?"