Why did God give men penises?
So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
Marriage.

Why are hangovers better than women?
Hangovers will go away.

What are the small bumps around a woman's' nipples for?
Its Braille for "suck here".

Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds?
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't?
Her navel.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull?
Lipstick.

What's a wife?
An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.

Why do women have tits?
So men will talk to them.

Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.

What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild?
Money.

Why do women have periods?
They deserve them.

Why did God make man first?
He didn't want a woman looking over his shoulder.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

An elderly gentlemen went in for his annual physical exam.

The doctor said, "You're in incredible shape. How old are you again?"

The man replied, "I am 78."

The doctor exclaimed, "Wow,78. How do you stay so healthy? You look like a 60 year old."

The man explained, "Well, my wife and I made a pact when we got married that whenever she got mad she would go into the kitchen and cool off and I would go outside to settle down."

"What does that have to do with it?" asked the doctor.

A newly married sailor was informed by the navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year.

A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter.

" My love," he wrote " we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings.

Besides that we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted? "

So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "why don't you learn to play this?"

Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife.

"Darling" he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love!"

One day a very drunk guy was walking down the road and found ten dollars.

Since he was very horny he decided to go to the whore house across the street and see what he could get since he had no one to go home to.

When he gets over there he shows the woman at the front counter the money and asks what he can get.

She realized he was drunk and he wouldn't notice if she put him in the room with the blow-up doll.

She took him up stairs, told him to have a good time, and went back down stairs.

After about twenty minutes she heard wimpering coming from the room.

Technology for Rednecks

LOG ON: Making a wood stove hot.

LOG OFF: Too much wood on fire.

MONITOR: Keep'n an eye on the wood stove.

DOWNLOAD: Gitten the farwood off'n the truck.

MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerfull gitten the farwood.

FLOPPY DISK: Whatcha git from tryin ta tote too much farwood.

RAM: That thar thing what splits the farwood.

HARD DRIVE: Gitten home in the winter time.

WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it cold outside.

SCREEN: Whut to shut when its black fly season.

BYTE: Whut dem dang flys do.

CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.

MICRO CHIP: Whuts in the bottom of the munchie bag.

MODEM: Whatcha do in the hay fields.

DOT MATRIX: Ole Dan Matrix's wife.

LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.

KEYBOARD: Whar you hang dem dang truck keys.

SOFTWARE: Dem dang plastic forks and knives.

MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn.

MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer whar the mouse lives.

MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.

PORT: Fancy flatlander wine.

ENTER: Northerner talk fer "C'Mon in y'all."

CLICK: Whut ya hear when ya cock yer gun.

DOUBLE CLICK: When you cock the double barrel.

Since she was very good looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys hit on her.

Her mom said, "It's very easy! Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him 'what will be the name of our baby?', that'll scare them off."

So off she went. After a little while at the party a boy started dancing with her and little by little kissing her and touching her.

She asked him, "What will our baby be called?" The boy found some excuse and disapeared.

Some time later the same thing happened again, a boy started to kiss her neck, her shoulders...she stoped him and asked him about the baby's name,he ran off.

A blonde and a redhead are sitting at the bar watching a story about a man ready to jump out of a building on the 6:00 news.

The blonde says "I bet you $50 the man won't jump" and the redhead accepts.

Sure enough the man jumps and the blonde gives the redhead her money.

The redhead says "I can't take this from you, I watched this story on the 5:00 news."

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling along the Iraqi border.

To their surprise, they found the badly mangled dead body of an Iraqi soldier in a ditch along the road.

A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, who was still barely alive.

They ran to him, cradled his blood-covered head and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth. I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard.I looked him right in the eye and shouted, "Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash!"

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus.

They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.

The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.

The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walkedout with a check for $960,000.

When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man ... "From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles." The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring.The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em.

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off.

And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow. Help me to always give 100% at work...12% on Monday, .23% on Tuesday. 40% on Wednesday. 20% on Thursday. 5% on Friday.

And help me to remember...When I'm having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4...to extend my middle finger and tell them to BITE ME!

Secret to a Successful Marriage

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last:

Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesday's; I go Fridays.

We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in Cincinnati.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. One day she
said, "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me, "In the lake."

My wife is on a new diet - coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight but boy, can she climb a tree now.

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

One morning she ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the for the garbage?" The driver said "No...jump in!"

Remember ... marriage is the number one cause of divorce. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust."

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said, "Ya know Mahtha, I'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane."

And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs.... And ten dollahs is ten dollahs."

So Stumpy says, "By Jeebers Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old. If I don't go this time I may nevah go." Martha replies "Stumpy, that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs...and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."

So the pilot overhears them and says, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but just one word and it's ten dollars."

They agree and up they go.... The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does it one more time; still nothing.... So he lands.

A lady went to the doctors after one night of having sex with her husband.

She complained about not having as much sex as she wanted so she asked the doctor if he could do anything about that.

The doctor gave her a jar with over 500 pills in it, and told her that each pill equaled 1 hour of great sex.

She thanked the doctor and went home..

That night she gave her husband one pill. They had one hour of great sex just as the doctor told her they would.

The next night she gave her husband 5 pills and they had 5 hours of great sex.

The third night she gave her husband all of the pills.

The next morning the doctor called and the little boy picked up the phone and said,"Yes." and the doctor said,"So how are things around the house going?"

A beer is always wet. A pussy needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.

A beer tastes horrible served hot. A pussy tastes better served hot.
Advantage: Pussy.

Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied. Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer.

Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones. Pussy does not.
Advantage: Draw.

If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted.
Advantage: Pussy

24 beers come in a box. A pussy is a box you can come in.
Advantage: Pussy.

Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer.
Advantage: Pussy.

If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
Advantage: Beer.

If you come home smelling like beer, your wife may get mad. If
you come home smelling like pussy, she will definitely get mad.
Advantage: Beer.

6 beers in a night and you better not drive. 6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need.
Advantage: Pussy

Buy too much beer and you will get fat. Buy too much pussy and you will get poor.
Advantage: Draw

It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game. You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game.
Advantage: Pussy

If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a breathalyzer. If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five.
Advantage: Pussy

With beer, bigger is better.
Advantage: beer.

Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable.
Advantage: beer.

Pussy can make you see God. Beer can make you see the porcelain God.
Advantage: Pussy

If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you are normal. If you think all day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic.
Advantage: Pussy

Peeling labels off of beers is fun. Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun.
Advantage: Pussy.

If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired. If you try to snag a pussy at work, you get hit with sexual harassment.
Advantage: Draw

If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break. If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you are.
Advantage: Beer.

If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you back.
Advantage: beer.

The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Pussy.

The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Beer.

Bad beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill. Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright, Dana Doran
Advantage: Draw

Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, New Castle. Good pussy: Almost all but the above.
Advantage: Pussy.

The government taxes beer.
Advantage: Pussy.

It took me years to figure out the real difference between Democrats and Republicans and this little story tells it all.

A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.