One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

"That's your father," said the mother.

I was so poor growing up ... If I wasn't born a boy,
I would have had nothing to play with.

A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over.
Nobody was home.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me.
Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

One day as I came home early from work.... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?"
He said, "Because you came home early."

I was such an ugly kid... When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I'm so ugly... My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything
we could ... but he pulled through."

I'm so ugly... My mother had morning sickness - after I was born.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked himto help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them? He said, "I don't know kid ... there are so many places they can hide."

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I'm so ugly... I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.

1. "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."

2. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor a spreasheet progroms."

3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."

4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."

5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."

6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."

7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."

8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."

9. "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."

10. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."

11. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

12. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No comments."

13. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

14. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs....Please feel to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."

15. "I have become completely paraniod, trusting completely no one and absolutly nothing."

16. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I posess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

17. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."

18. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."

19. "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investmensts."

20. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."

21. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."

22. "Marital status: often. Children: various."

23. "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions."

24. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."

"Children,"shesays,"My name is Miss Prussy. Now I will write it on the blackboard for you." "An easy way to remember my name is ,it is spelled just like pussy but with an 'r.'"

The following day she asks her class, "Boys and Girls, can any of you remember my name?"

"I know," says one boy eagerly, "It's Miss Crunt."

After looking up the at the man for a time, the POW encampment leaders, mainly British and French men, noticed he had done terrible things, very very bad things.

They decided death by fireing squad would be best suited for his death, so they brought him to a brick wall, tied his arms behind him and his legs to the bricks. They bound his chest then brought in the squad, all ready with their guns.

The leaders asked that when the men heard the word "FIRE" to shoot, because this wasn't a normal practice in the military down there.

The man was blindfolded and given his last words. The fireing squad aimed, but suddenly he screamed, "AIR RAID!" Everyone ducked, and upon realizing what he had pulled were pretty pissed.

He had gotten out of the bindings and began a mad dash out of the camp. He turned to look and upon seeing the fireing squad behind him, yelled, "FLOOD, BEHIND YOU" The firing squad turned around, and was again fooled.

They quickly got their wits and were on him again, with a tenecious ferociaty unmatched by many. They were on him quickly, but again he screamed,
"POISEN SNAKES, RIGHT BEHIND ME!" The men of the firing squad stopped dead and looked around, seeing none, they became incredibly pissed and were quickly ten feet behind him. He fooled them again, saying, "BEHIND YOU, EARTHQUAKE!"

The men of the firing squad stopped for about five seconds then resumed, fuming angrily. They were seven feet behind him when he screamed, "FIRE!!!"

Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-o to a tree.

There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere. and ....let the air out of their tires. -Dorothy Parker

Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.

Families are like fudge...mostly sweet with a few nuts.

Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

One day I shall burst my buds of calm and blossom into hysteria.

If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters and too young to borrow the family car.

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
-Billy Crystal

If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says: "I'm cheap!"
-Delta Burke

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
-Jay Leno

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.
-Tim Allen

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
-Jerry Seinfield

You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again.
-Joan Rivers

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
-George Carlin

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
-Jeff Foxworthy

They said, "Well tell us about your trip to New York.

"She said,"Did you know that in New York there are men who like other
men?"

They said, "Oh my gosh, what were they called?"

She said, "They are called homosexuals."

Then she said,"Did you know that in New York there are women, who like other women?"

They said,"Oh my gosh, what are they called?"

She said,"They are called lesbians."

Then she said, " Did you know that there are men in New York who like to kiss women, on their private parts?"

They said,"Oh my gosh,what are they called?"

He's going through his usual stupid Redneck jokes, when a big burly guy in the audience stands up and says "I've heard just about enough of your smart ass hillbilly jokes; we ain't all stupid here in the South."

Three Bills all die at the exact same moment: Bill Clinton, Billy Graham, and Bill Gates.

They arrive at the Pearly Gates but since St. Peter is on vacation they are escorted directly into God's throne room, to be judged by God Himself.

God asks Bill Clinton what he believes and Clinton replies, "I believe in equality and justice for all the people of the world."

God says that's a very admirable belief and invites him to sit to his left.

God then asks Billy Graham what he believes and Graham replies, "I believe in the salvation promised in the Bible and in the saving grace of your son, Jesus Christ."

God says that's an even more admirable answer and invites him to sit to his right.

God then turns to Bill Gates and "What do you believe Mr. Gates?"

They all thought they were the biggest fans and they wanted to prove it.

The four men started their journey up the cliff. While they were about half way up the Dallas Cowboys fan yelled, "This is for the Dallas Cowboys", and he jumped off the cliff and died.

The Denver Broncos fan was not to be out done by the Cowboys fan so he said, "This is for the Denver Broncos", and he too jumped off the cliff and died.

The other two fans finaly reached the top of the cliff. Then the New York Jets fan said, "This is for the New York Jets", without hesitation he shoved the Miami Dolphins fan off the cliff.Four football fanactics decided to go rock climbing one day. One was a Dallas Cowboys fan. One was a Denver Broncos fan. One was a Miami Dolphins fan. And the other was a New York Jets fan.

They all thought they were the biggest fans and they wanted to prove it.

The four men started their journey up the cliff. While they were about half way up the Dallas Cowboys fan yelled, "This is for the Dallas Cowboys", and he jumped off the cliff and died.

The Denver Broncos fan was not to be out done by the Cowboys fan so he said, "This is for the Denver Broncos", and he too jumped off the cliff and died.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat"

"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"

"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after
all, the captain's parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with contempt, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a days.

Indeed, he could, and the girl was quite impressed.

The next day in school, the kids heard the story of George Washington and
the cherry tree, the moral of the anecdote was not to lie.

So, when the boy got home, his father asked him... "Son, did you push my outhouse into the river?" he asked, hotly.

"I am going to be just like George Washington and not lie. So yes, I did" the son replied.

"You are grounded...for quite some time."

"But George was not punished for not lying!!!" the boy complained.