The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshield of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made. But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.

Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!" he whined.

"You yuppies are so materialistic, you make me sick!" retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!"

Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the mid-terms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A. These friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to U Virginia and party with some friends up there.

They did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found Professor Bonk after the final and explained to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVA for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus.

Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated, relieved and very proud of their story. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.

ASTROLOGY: tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy, and what you watch on TV. Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out... See where you fit below.

MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree," you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying, but who the hell can tell?! It is written that the geeks shall inherit the Earth. You are a projectionist.

ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all personal ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel"... You are a Film-Technician.

ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane. You know how to hide money from film distributors and the IRS.

HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, and mail a letter! You are on track to become a theatre owner.

MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/"TEAM LEADS": Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager." You are doomed to go in circles and may be transferred to distribution.

SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Senior Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Senior Manager." You may one day be eligible to win an award from "Showest or even Showeast"

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

2. You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

3. Your job starts to interfere with your drinking.

4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

5. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

6. You sincerely believe alcohol is the elusive 5th food group.

7. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case Coincidence?!?!?

8. Two hands and just one mouth now THAT'S a drinking problem.

9. Every woman you see has an exact twin.

10. You fall off the floor

11. Hey, 5 beers have just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

12. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

13. Every night you're beginning to find your neighbours cat more and more attractive

14. I'm not drunk you're just sober!!

15. Roseanne looks good

16. You don't recognise your wife unless seen from the bottom of a glass.

17. That dammned pink elephant followed me home again.

18. You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.

19. You've fallen and can't get up.

He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?"

"No. Get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.

Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's door to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and, not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts: "Where are you?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man!"

"Well, I`ll be damned!" the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I shouldn't have been so unpleasant about it. Tell me, how long have you had arthritis?"

"Oh Jack," she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped. "It helps her constipation, you know."

So, Jack sold her the brandy. Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the convent, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine; and she was snookered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk. A crowd was gathering, so Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! You told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"

"Yeah, a costume party," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But you look like Abe Lincoln." protested the barkeep.

"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."

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A man in a bar has a couple of beers, and the bartender tells him he owes $8.
"But I already paid you! Don't you remember?" says the customer.

"Okay," says the bartender, "if you said you paid, then I suppose you did."

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid or not. The second man then rushes in, orders a beer, and later pulls the same stunt.

The barkeep replies, "Okay, if you said you paid, then I suppose you did."

The customer then goes outside, sees a friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.The third man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs. Some time later, the bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed that they had paid. The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get his ass...."

The man interrupts, "Don't bother me with your troubles, bartender. Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

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A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals, unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer.

''I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

"I'll try,'' said a small woman, ''but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order".

The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order".

The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up everything is color coded.

The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on lawyers".

The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them asked why.

After Duke published the study, Stanford decided to do their own study. After three
years of research and $250,000.00, they concluded that the reason was to give the Woman more pleasure during sex.

Act naturally.
Found missing.
Resident alien.
Genuine imitation.
Safe sex.
Airline food.
Good grief.
Same difference.
Almost exactly.
Sanitary landfill.

Funny Lines

When signs makers go on strike, is there anything written on their picket signs?

When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're sitting there, staring at the carpet?

Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?

Why do they report power outages on t.v.?

If you lick the air, does it get wet?

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If a policeman arrests a mime, does he have to read him his right to remain silent?

Q: What do you get if a piano falls down a mine shaft?
A: A flat miner / minor.

Three of my friends drove into a lake in a pickup truck. The one driving, rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned. Seems they couldn't get the tailgate down.

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Top Ten Reasons Lois Lane is Dumping Superman

10. His heat vision sometimes turns on accidentally when he's drunk.
9. She's now totally deaf in one ear because of his super-snoring.
8. Every time he left the toilet seat up, he blamed it on Clark Kent.
7. Always had to go stop an earthquake, when her parents were in town.
6. Was inspired when Lisa Marie Presley dumped her man from another planet.
5. Always making wisecracks about his X-ray vision not being able to penetrate her meatloaf.
4. Had to expose him to Kryptonite to get him to take out the garbage.
3. His insisting that the kids be raised Super.
2. She saw him barhopping in the Village wearing a Wonder Woman costume.

1. He was faster than a speeding bullet (if you know what I mean).

-------------------------------------------

Five Impossible Questions Women Ask

1. "What are you thinking?

Right answer: "I'm sorry if I've been quiet, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you.

Wrong answer: "If I wanted you to know, I'd be talking instead of thinking."

2. "Do you love me?"

Right answer: "Yes." or "Yes, dear."

Wrong answer: "I suppose so." or "Would it make you feel better if I said yes?"

3. "Do I look fat?"

Right answer: "No, of course not." (After saying, quickly leave the room.)

Wrong answer: "Compared to what?" or "I've seen fatter."

4. "Do you think she is prettier than me?"

Right answer: "No, you are much prettier."

Wrong answer: "Not prettier, just prettier in a different way." or "Yes, but I bet you have a better personality."

5. "What would you do if I died?"

Right answer: "I would be extremely upset. And, no I wouldn't remarry."

A patient said to his wife, "I'd like to have a watch that tells me time."
The wife said, "Don't you have a watch that tells time?"
"No," said the patient. "I have to look at it!"

A patient at the sanitarium said, "I'm not feeling like myself today."
The other patient said, "Well that makes four of us!"

A doctor met a patient in the hall. Wanting to know if the patient was on his way to therapy, the doctor asked, "Are you coming or going?"
The patient responded, "If I knew that, I wouldn't be here!"

I know a nurse that is so efficient, she can make the patient without disturbing the bed.

A practical nurse is one who marries a wealthy patient.
.
They nicknamed one nurse "Appendix" because every doctor wanted to take her out.

"Doctor, I can't stop behaving like a dog."
"How long have you been acting this way?"
"Since I was a puppy!"