Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same word written on the board, and each day it was written in larger letters.

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers the door.

She proclaims "I want to join your biker club."

The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join.

So the biker asks her, "You have a bike?"

The little old lady says "Yeah, that's my Harley over there" and points to a Harley parked in the driveway.

The biker asks her "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady says "Yeah, I smoke. I smoke four packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool."

The biker is impressed and asks "Well, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The little old lady says "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

She replies, "Because you're so goddamned ugly."

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.

"An ambulance just drove by."

A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid anymore riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and securethe blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden, basically lazy people. We hold these truths to be self-evident:

ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone - not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful. Do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.

ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in health care.

ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.

ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII: You don't have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.

ARTICLE IX: You don't have the right to a job. All of us sure want all of you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.

AGE DRINK
17 Beer
25 Evian
35 Vodka
48 Double vodka
66 Maalox

DRUG
17 Pot
25 Coke
35 Really good coke
48 Power
66 Coke in the company jet

HOUSE PET
17 Roaches
25 Stoned-out college roommate
35 Irish setter
48 Children from first marriage
66 Barbi

FAVORITE PASTIME
17 Sex
25 Sex
35 NBA
48 Bookie
66 Napping

FAVORITE FANTASY
17 Sex
25 Airplane sex
35 Menage a trois
48 Taking the company public
66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

SEDUCTION LINE
17 My parents are away for the weekend.
25 My fiancee is away for the weekend.
35 My wife is away for the weekend.
48 My wife is dead.
66 My second wife is dead.

IDEAL DATE
17 Triple horror feature at a drive-in
25 "Split the check before we go back to my place"
35 "Just come over"
48 "Just come over ...and cook"
66 Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "Third base"
25 "Breakfast"
35 "I didn't have to meet her kids."
48 "She didn't set back my therapy."
66 "Got home alive."

IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED
17 25
25 35
35 48
48 66
66 17

IDEAL AGE FOR SEX PARTNER
17 25
25 25
35 25
48 25
66 17

The teller looked in the bag and confirmed that it was, in fact full of cash. He called upstairs and explained the situation to the bank president, who agreed to see the woman. The teller escorted her to the president's office, and the president invited her to have a seat, which she accepted. She repeated her request to open an account.

Curiosity was killing him. He said, "Mind if I ask how you happened to come into such a large sum of cash?"

"Not at all," was her reply. "I bet."

"You bet?" he countered. "At the racetrack, or on professional sports, or in casinos ...?"

"Nothing like that," she said. "I just bet. For example, I'll bet you $50,000 that by tomorrow morning your testicles will be square."

The president chuckled, but seeing that the lady was serious, and had the funds to back up such a wild bet, he agreed. They shook hands on it, and she promised to return at nine the next morning to follow up on the bet.

As the day wore on, the president found himself frequently checking to make sure that "all" was in order. It was. But, just as a precaution, he cancelled his regular Tuesday afternoon golf match and went home early. The next morning when he showered, he was actually relieved to find that nothing had changed while he slept. He confidently headed for the bank, laughing all the way at the unexpected windfall that was about to become his.

The little old lady showed up promptly at the appointed hour, accompanied by a young man. When the president asked who was the young man, she replied that he was her lawyer, who she always brought along when payoffs involved significant sums.

The president told her that he was sorry as she had lost that particular bet and the funds would be coming to him.

She insisted on examining the evidence for herself. Considering the amount at stake, the banker deemed it a reasonable request under the circumstances. So he stood up, unbuckled his belt, and dropped his pants. She proceeded to grab his jewels and closely inspect them for any abnormalities.

As she did, the president noticed that her lawyer was standing in the corner banging his head against the wall. He asked the lady, "What's the matter with him?"

She replied, "Oh, him. I bet him $150,000 that before ten a.m. today I'd have the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls..."

"WANTED: BELL RINGER"

One day a knock came at the fire station door, one of the firemen answered it, and there stood a young boy.

"CAN I HELP YOU?" The fireman asked.

"I'M HERE FOR THE BELL RINGER JOB." The boy replied.

The fireman looking surprised, gazed down at the boy and said, "SON, YOU'RE TOO SHORT TO EVEN REACH THE ROPE!"

"I'M NOT TOO SHORT!" The boy replied. And the boy ran, took a flying leap, and hit the bell with his face.

"SON, ARE YOU ALRIGHT?" The fireman asked.

"SURE." The boy said, then he ran and hit the bell two more times!!!

Just as the boy fell to the floor after the second time, the fire chief came into the room and asked....

"FRANK, WHO IS THAT BOY LAYING ON THE FLOOR?"

Frank replied.... "I DON'T KNOW, BUT HIS FACE SURE RINGS A BELL!!!"

The woman at the desk says, "Sure, I'll help you but I'll have to ask you not to swear, please."
The man says, "I don't give a rat's ass! I want you to open a F**kin' account!"
She gets a disgusted look on her face and says, "Sir! If you don't stop swearing I'm going to call the manager!"
He shouts, even louder this time, "Just shut the F*** up and get me an account, G**DAMMITT!"

The woman has had enough of this and goes to get the manager. He walks over and asks, "What seems to be the trouble, sir?" The man says, "I just won $10,000,000 in the lottery and all I want to do is open a F***ing bank account!"

St. Peter said to him, “Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".

So, Bill takes a look at hell and see's these beautiful women running around, in 80 degree temperature, on beautiful beaches.

Then he took a look at heaven and it was nice, you know harps and singing and worship and stuff like that.

So he said to St. Peter that he would like to go to hell.

About a week later, St. Peter went down to hell to check on Bill. There he saw him, being whipped by demons.

He said to St. Peter, “What happened to all the beautifull women, and the beaches and the 80 degree temperature?”

'You Were an Accident'

'Strangers Have the Best Candy'

'The Little Sissy Who Snitched'

'Some Kittens Can Fly!'

'How to Dress Sexy for Grownups'

'Getting More Chocolate on Your Face'

'Where Would You Like to Be Buried?'

'Katy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her'

'The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!'

'All Dogs Go to Hell'

'The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking'

'When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It'

'Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia'

'What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?'

'Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?'

'Bi-Curious George'

'Daddy Drinks Because You Cry'

'Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver'

'You Are Different and That's Bad'

* In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

* It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.

* It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark.

*Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late.

* If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.

* It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

* We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

* If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.

* It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself 'why on earth did I do that?'

* Some folks have it, some don't.

* Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong.

* Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So, he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But, the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But, the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.