One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight.

They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, removed his siblings which gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was, "Don't."

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve. . . we have forbidden fruit!"

"No way!"

"Yes, way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, (wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants).

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and was He ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God, as our first parent, asked?

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said .

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

Thus, the pattern was set and it has never changed! But there is reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.If God had trouble raising children, what made you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."

CHILDREN

You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.

Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like clearing the driveway before it has stopped snowing.

Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young.

I asked Mom if I was a gifted child... she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.

The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

We child proofed our home 3 years ago and they're still getting in!

So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?

"Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response.

The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone
Just her and I.

Her hair so soft
Her eyes so blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do

Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine

I didn't know how
But I tried my best
To place my hand
On her breasts

I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart

And when she did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came

At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time
Milking a cow!

I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I then with drew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank

I then with drew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank.

I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.

I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.

I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle.

Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating.

I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a duzy to explain the bandage on my crown.

The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

"Ed! the garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it." "You know where the button is."

I protested through the shower(pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!"

"I am scared!" She pleaded "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"(Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the fullweight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step manner. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men,in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option.Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, where as cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter.

At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"

"My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. Iguess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him."
Age 10

"When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell." Age 5

"I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower." Age 11

"I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. Iimagine that the wet paint is a big fresh water lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died." Age 13

"I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor." Age 14

"I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?" Age 15

"Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think about the last words of my favorite uncle: 'A truck!'" Age15

"It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends." Age 8

"Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote." Age 10

"Home is where the house is." Age 6

"Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number."Age 15

"It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there." Age 5

"Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money." Age 13

"For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out."Age 6

"The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?"or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"" Age 15

"Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right?" Age 15

"I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks." Age 15

A man is sitting in a plane which is about to take-off. The other two seats are occupied by a man with a dog. The dog is in the middle seat. The first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.

The dog handler says to the first man "Don't mind Rocky. He is a sniffer dog, the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work.

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man. "Watch this".

"Rocky, Search!"

The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds, it then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm.

He says "Good boy!", and turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this, and the seat number, for her arrival".

"Fantastic!" replies the first man.

Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. The sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and places both paws on the handler's arm.

He says "Good boy!", and turns to the first man and says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of this, and the seat number". "That's marvelous! I never seen anything like it!" says the first man.

Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. He goes up and down the aisle of the plane. After a while sits down next to someone, and then comesracing back and jumps up onto the seat andshits all over the place.

The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks "What the hell is going on with the dog?"

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre dangling objects.They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded...must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving and incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies"...must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

On the menu of a New Orleans restaurant -"Blackened bluefish."

In a Maine restaurant - "Open seven days a week and weekends."

On an established New Mexico dry cleaning store -"Thirty-eight years on the same spot."

On a New York convalescent home - "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."

Outside a country shop in West Virginia - "We buy junk and sell antiques."

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store - "15 men's wool suits - $100 -They won't last an hour!"

A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O'Hare Field in Chicago - "Do not activate with wet hands."

In a New York restaurant - "Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager."

In the offices of a New Jersey loan company -"Ask about our plans for owning your home."

In the window of an Oregon general store - "Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"

In downtown Boston - "Callahan Tunnel - NO END."

On a poster on a telephone pole in Oregon -"Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help."

On a Tennessee highway - "Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

On the grounds of a private school in Connecticut - "No trespassing without permission."

In a New York medical building - "Mental Health Prevention Center"

SIGNS THAT MAKE YOU STOP AND WONDER

At a number of US military bases - "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."

In a Florida maternity ward - "No children allowed."

In front of a New Hampshire car wash - "If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."

In a Los Angeles clothing store - "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

Little Johnny: Here it is!

Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?

Class: Little Johnny!

-------------------------

Teacher: Are you chewing gum?

Little Johnny: No, I'm Little Johnny.

-------------------------

Teacher: How can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day?

Little Johnny: I get up early.

-------------------------

Teacher; Didn't you promise to behave?

Little Johnny: Yes, sir.

Teacher: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't?

Little Johnny: Yes, sir, but since I broke my promise, you didn't have to keep yours.

-------------------------

Little Johnny: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?

Teacher: Of course not.

Little Johnny: Good, because I didn't do my homework.

-------------------------

Teacher: Why are you late?

Little Johnny: Because of the sign.

Teacher: What sign?

Little Johnny: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow. "That's what I did.

-------------------------

Teacher: I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper.

Little Johnny: I hope you didn't either.

-------------------------

Teacher: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.

Father: What's that?

Teacher: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.

-------------------------

Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence starting with "I".

Little Johnny: I is...

Teacher: No, Little Johnny. Always say "I am."

The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.

The following was a page put on the McDonnell Douglas Internet home page by a worker with a sense of humor. The company took exception to it, however...

AIRCRAFT-SPACE SYSTEMS-MISSILES Important! Important! Please fill out and mail this card within 10 days of purchase.

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1. _Mr. _Mrs. _Ms. _Miss _Lt. _Gen. _Comrade _Classified _Other

First Name
Initial
Last Name
Password
Code Name
Latitude
Longitude
Altitude

2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
_F-14 Tomcat _F-15 Eagle _F-16 Falcon
_F-117A Stealth _Classified

3. Date of purchase:
Month: Day: Year:

4. Serial Number:

5. Please check where this product was purchased:
_Received as gift/aid package
_Catalog showroom
_Sleazy arms broker
_Mail order
_Discount store
_Government surplus
_Classified

6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:

_Heard loud noise, looked up
_Store display
_CNN
_Espionage
_Recommended by friend/relative/ally
_Political lobbying by manufacturer
_Was attacked by one

7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
_Style/appearance
_Kickback/bribe
_Recommended by salesperson
_Speed/maneuverability
_Comfort/convenience
_McDonnell Douglas reputation
_Advanced Weapons Systems
_Price/value
_Backroom politics
_Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
_North America
_Central/South America
_Aircraft carrier
_Europe
_Middle East
_Africa
_Asia/Far East
_Misc. Third World countries
_Classified

9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:
_Color TV
_VCR
_ICBM
_Killer Satellite
_CD Player
_Air-to-Air Missile
_Space Shuttle
_Home Computer
_Nuclear Weapon

10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? Check all that apply:
_Democratic
_Communist/Socialist
_Terrorist
_Crazed
_Neutral
_Dictatorship
_Corrupt
_Primitive/Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
_Cash
_Personal check
_Credit card
_Suitcases of cocaine
_Oil revenues
_Deficit spending
_Ransom money
_Traveler's check

12. Occupation of Your Spouse:
_Homemaker
_Sales/marketing
_Revolutionary
_Clerical
_Mercenary
_Tyrant
_Middle management
_Eccentric billionaire
_Defense Minister/General
_Retired
_Student

13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
_Golf
_Boating/sailing _Sabotage
_Running/jogging
_Propaganda/disinformation
_Destabilization/overthrow
_Defaulting on loans
_Gardening
_Crafts
_Black market/smuggling
_Collectibles/collections
_Watching sports on TV
_Wines
_Interrogation/torture
_Household pets
_Crushing rebellions
_Espionage/reconnaissance
_Fashion clothing
_Border disputes
_Mutually Assured Destruction

Thanks for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future--as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies,
governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:

McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division
P.O. Box 800 St. Louis

The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It's third grade, so most could make it half way through without much trouble. Some made it to "S" or"T," but Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad knowingly explained to him, "That's because you are from Alabama, son."