posted 06-12-2001 09:52 PM                       

Rated G

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty at the Office But are Not.

10. I need to whip it out by 5.

9. Mind if I use your laptop?

8. Just stick it in my box.

7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!

6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!

5. Hmm...I think it's out of fluid!

4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.

3. It's an entry-level position.

2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?

1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there!

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posted 06-13-2001 03:51 AM                 

Rated PG

Overheard in the confessional:

"Forgive me , Father, for I have sinned," the young man whispered.

"Confess your sins and be forgiven," the priest murmured.

"Last night my girl/boyfriend made passionate love to me seven times."

The priest considered for a moment. "Go home and suck the juice from
seven lemons," he said.

"Will that cleanse me of my sins?", the young man asked.

"No," said the priest, "but it'll wipe that smile off your face!"

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posted 06-13-2001 04:05 AM                 

Rated: PG

Jesus is up on the cross, dying, and he calls out: "Peter?... Peter?..."

Peter is in the back of the crowd, and he hears Jesus calling his name.
He starts pushing his way thru the crowd…as he's making his way,
he hears Jesus calling out in a very weak voice: "Peter?... Peter?..."
So he answers: "Yes, Lord, I'm coming..."

And Peter makes his way to the bottom of the cross where he hears
Jesus moaning out his name: "Peter?… Peter?..." So Peter answers:
"Yes, Lord, I'm here... what is it?"

And Jesus answers: "Peter! I can see your house from here…

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posted 06-13-2001 04:11 AM                 

Rated: G

Did you hear about the blond who was so proud of himself/herself because
he/she finished a jigsaw puzzle in only 7 months?

The box said "8-10 years".

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posted 06-13-2001 04:30 AM                 

Rated: R

A guy walks into a gay bar with a gorgeous blond hunk on his arm
and a tiny 10-inch man sitting on his shoulder.
They sit down at the bar and the guy orders drinks; pays with a $100
bill and tells the bartender to keep the change.
All of a sudden, the tiny man jumps off of the guys shoulder, runs up and
down the bar kicking over everybody's drinks. The little man then runs
back to the guy and jumps back on his shoulder.
So, the guy orders replacement drinks for everybody and tips the bartender
an additional $100 bill. After the drinks are set up, the tiny man
jumps down and repeats his performance.
After this happens 4 more times, the bartender asks the guy what's going on?
The guy tells the bartender: "One day I found a bottle. As I was rubbing the label
a genie popped out and granted me three wishes.
My first wish was to have unlimited wealth.
My second wish was to have the most gorgeous man as my lover.
My third wish was to have a 10 inch prick."

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posted 06-13-2001 04:36 AM                 

Rated: G

What crawls through the grass and rings doorbells?.......

A drunken Avon lady.........

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posted 06-13-2001 04:39 AM                 

He hung himself.

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posted 06-13-2001 04:42 AM                 

Rated: PG

What starts with the letter F and ends with the letter K?
And, if you can't get one, you have to use your hand.
.
.
.
.
.
A FORK.

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posted 06-13-2001 04:47 AM                 

Rated: PG

The Mother Superior was in the convent bathing herself. She was
the most respected of nuns because she had entered the convent as
a girl, therefore no man had ever seen her naked.
Suddenly there was a knock at the door. The Mother Superior sat up in the tub,
startled and a bit frightened. She called out: "Who is it?"
The reply from the other side was: "It's the blind man."
The Mother Superior smiled with relief. In a playful mood, she saw
no reason not to let him come in.
The man entered carrying long cardboard boxes… looks right at the her and says:
"Hey, nice tits lady! Where ya' want me to hang these blinds?"

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posted 06-13-2001 04:50 AM                 

Rated: R

Young man/woman: "Doctor, every time I sneeze I have an orgasm!"

Doctor: "What have you been taking for this condition?"

Young man/woman: "PEPPER!!!!"

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posted 06-13-2001 04:53 AM                 

Rated: G

A tribe of cannibals captured a missionary and placed him in the
huge iron pot cannibals use to cook their meals.

As they were lighting the fire, the chief came out of his hut and said,
"Stop! You can't boil this man!"
"Why not?", the cannibals asked.

"Because he is a friar!"

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posted 06-13-2001 04:56 AM                 

Rated: R

Did you hear about the boy who refused to leave the orphanage?

He hated to leave his friends behind.

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posted 06-13-2001 05:04 AM                 

Rated: X

Jack and Jill worked for a company that wasn't doing too well.
And Jack and Jill's boss knew he had to let one of them go. He didn't
know which one to fire, as they both had great working skills.
So he decided that whoever was the first to use the water cooler in
the morning he would lay off.

The next day came and he watched the water cooler all morning.
Finally, he sees Jill get two aspirins out of her desk, go to the
water cooler, get water, and take the aspirin.

So he calls Jill into his office and says, "I'm either going to have to
lay you or Jack off."

So Jill says, "Well then, jack off….I've got a headache."

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posted 06-13-2001 05:11 AM                 

Rated: G

There were 3 Indian maidens sitting in a row. The first one was
seated on a bear hide, and she weighed 120 pounds.
The second one was sitting on a fox hide, and she weighed 120 pounds.
But the third one was sitting on a hippopotamus hide, and she weighed 170 pounds.

That just goes to show that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal
to the sum of the squaws of the other two hides.

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posted 06-13-2001 05:13 AM                 

Rated: X

For a long time Hank had tried to talk his wife into having
sex with him "doggy-style", but she wouldn't go for it. One day he
explained his problem to his friend Jeff.
"All you need to do," said Jeff "is give her 5 strong drinks and
she'll do anything you want."
Several days later Hank met his buddy again and Jeff asked, "Well
how did my suggestion work with your wife?"
"Great!" said Hank. "After 8 drinks we finally did it doggy-style".
"Eight?" said Jeff. "I thought 5 drinks would have been plenty."
"Well, after five drinks she was willing, but it took three more
to get her out on the front lawn!"

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