The World's Shortest Books:

BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno

HOME BUILT AIRPLANES by John Denver

HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL by Dan Marino

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton

MY LIFE'S MEMORIES by Ronald Reagan

THINGS I CAN'T AFFORD by Bill Gates

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman

THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN

AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE

DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES

EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN

EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN

ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres

MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE

SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the Sierra Club

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around.

Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.

Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was$127.50.

"How can that be?" He asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

A man walked into his back yard one morning and found a gorilla in a tree.

He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun.

"Now listen carefully," he told the homeowner.

"I'm going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls to the ground.

The trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctively crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap on the handcuffs.""Got it", the homeowner replied.

"But what's the shotgun for?"

"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla", the man said, "shoot the Chihuahua."   

Always take the time to smell the roses...and sooner or later you'll inhale a bee.

If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek...nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.

If genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration, I must be sharing elevators with a lot of bright people.

It's always darkest before dawn...so if you're gonna steal the neighbors newspaper, that's the tme to do it.

It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown...and fewer still to ignore someone completely.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked up into jet engines.

I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on someone else.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

My father always said laughter is the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us ended up dying of tuberculosis.

It takes a big man to cry...but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

Questions you always wanted to ask but were too afraid.

Why,Why, Why???

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?

How can there be self-help groups?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, its called cargo?

Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Where are Preparations A through G?

Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?

If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?

When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

What happened to the first 6 "ups"?

If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?

Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

What is the speed of dark?

When you're sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?

How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?

Two nuns went out of their convent to sell cookies.

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical and the other one was known as Sister Logical.

It was getting dark and they were still far away from the convent.

Sister Logical: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour?

Sister Mathematical: Yes, I wonder what he wants.

Sister Logical: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

Sister Mathematical: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15minutes at the most. What can we do?

Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do, of course, is to walk faster.

Sister Mathematical: It's not working.

Sister Logical: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too.

Sister Mathematical: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

Sister Logical: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent and was worried about what had happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrived, breathless and flushed.

Sister Mathematical: "Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!"

Sister Logical: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.

Sister Mathematical: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

Sister Logical: I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

Sister Mathematical: And?

Sister Logical: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

Sister Mathematical: Oh, dear! What did you do?

Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dressup.

Sister Mathematical: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

Sister Mathematical: Oh, no! What happened then?

New sayings that should be on buttons...

1. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.

2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.

3. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?

4. This isn't an office-It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

5. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left

6. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

7. You! Off my planet!

8. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.

9. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.

10. Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!

11. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.

12. Does your train of thought have a caboose?

13. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

14. Allow me to introduce my selves.

15. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

16. Better living through denial.

17. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

18. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

19. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

20. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

21. One of us is thinking about sex..... OK, it's me.

22. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

23 I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.

24. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

25. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

26. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

27 Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

28. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

29. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

30. Earth is full. Go home.

31. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin.

An American applied for the same job and both applicant shaving the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager.

Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions.

The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job.

"Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct.This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!"

"Manager: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed.

Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

Manager: "Simple. The American put down on question # 5, 'I don't know.'You put down 'Neither do I.'"

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and
your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry...we can't hire
you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills,
and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one other guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" says the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry. I was going to call room service and get some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that. "

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to thephone.

"What are you doing?" She says.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."

The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

There is a guy who has a dog that doesn't obey him. Then he sees an ad in the paper for a great dog trainer. So, he decides to go to the dog trainer and get his dog trained.

The guy walks in the room and asks, "Can you train my dog, and are you a good trainer?" The trainer replies, "Well, I can train your dog, and I will give you a demonstration of how good I am."

He dumped a box full of bones on the floor and blew a whistle. The first dog came in and made a skeleton with the bones. "Wow!" said the guy, "What kind of dog is that?" "That's a nurse's dog," said the trainer.

Then he blows the whistle again and a second dog comes in the room. That dog makes a big building. The man says, "Wow! What kind of dog is that?" "That's an architect's dog," replies the trainer.

PCMCIA- People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

ISDN- It Still Does Nothing

SCSI- System Can't See It

APPLE- Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

DOS- Defective Operating System

BASIC- Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

IBM- I Blame Microsoft

DEC- Do Expect Cuts

CD-ROM- Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

OS/2- Obsolete Soon, Too.

WWW- World Wide Wait

MACINTOSH- Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

PENTIUM- Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics

COBOL- Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language

AMIGA- A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction

LISP- Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis

MIPS- Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed

WINDOWS- Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

GIRO- Garbage In Rubbish Out

MICROSOFT-Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers

This will come as a surprise to some people, but most of us knewit all along- it can be proved mathematically, in five easy steps, that Barney, the purple dinosaur beloved by preschoolers everywhere, is actually the Prince of Darkness himself.

Here'show:

1. Everyone knows that Barney is a CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR.

2. Change all of the U's to V's- CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR.

3. Take all of the Roman numerals- C,V,V,L,D,I,V.

4. Change them into normal numbers- 100,5,5,50,500,1,5

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

OK, follow me, he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him tongues hanging out for blood.

"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. "YES,YES, YES!!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

There's this Naval captain, who's just finished a long trek toSouth America.

He gets off the ship and meets up with another captain. During their conversation, the captain says "You know what really drives me crazy?

All that my crew members want to do is masturbate all day. It's really pissing me off."

The other captain says "Hey, I know what you're going through.You know how you can solve this problem? All you need to do is hold contests to see who can fill up an old oil drum with the largest amount of semen.

Believe me, after these little games, your men will be too tired of masturbating to even think about doing it."

"Well, that IS a good idea." The captain said. "But what I'm Igonna do with all that semen?"

The other captain thought it over and said "Well, you can do what I did and sell all of it to a candle maker in the area.I've heard the stuff makes some pretty damn good candles."

Well, the captain took the other captain's advice after that. He held his little "contests" and sold all of the semen produced to a local candle maker. Then, after a few months at sea, the captain returned to the same port, only to be greeted by the angry candle maker.

"You know that material you sold me to make new candles?" he asked. "Yes." the captain answered. "Well I took the candles I made from that material, and sold them to a local convent."

"And?" the captain asked.