Actual Answering Machine Messages Recorded and Verified By TheWorld Famous International Institute of Answering MachineMessages:

10. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.

8. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling.... and I'll think about returning your call.

7. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

6. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.

5. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.

4. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner.

3. Hi. Now YOU say something.

2. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

And the Number 1 Actual Answering Machine Message Recorded and Verified by The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages.

The LAPD, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.

The President decides to give them all a test.

He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try and catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that the rabbit does not exsist.

The FBI now goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it including the rabbit, and they make no apologies.The rabbit had it coming.

Then the LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten racoon.

Grandpa was showing little Johnny around the farm, and when they come to the corral they see to cows fucking.

He explained,"That's a bull and a cow, and he's serving her."

A little later on, they saw horses fucking.

The Grandpa said,"That's a stud and a mare, and he's serving her, too."

That night at supper, after everyone was seated and grace wassaid, Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Will you please serve the turkey?"

You Might Be a College Student If...

1. If you have ever price shopped for Top Ramen

2. If you live in a house with three couches, none of which match.

3. If you consider Mac and Cheese a balanced meal.

4. If you have ever written a check for 45 cents.

5. If you have a fine collection of domestic beer bottles.

6. If you have ever seen two consectutive sunrises without sleeping.

7. If your glass set is composed of McDonald's Extra Value Meal PlasticCups (i.e. Olympic Dream Team I or II).

8. If your underwear supply dictates the time between laundry loads.

9. If you cannot remember when you last washed your car.

10. If you can pack your worldly possesions into the back of a pick-up(one trip).

11. If you have ever had to justify yourself for buying Natural Light.

12. If the first thing you do in the morning is roll over and introduce yourself.

13. If you average less than 3 hours of sleep a night.

14. If your trash is overflowing and your bank account isn't

15. If you go to Walmart more than 3 times a week.

16. If you eat at the cafeteria because it's "free", even though it sucks.

17. If you are personally keeping the local pizza place from bankruptcy.

18. If you wake up 10 minutes before class.

19. If you wear the same jeans 13 days in a row -- without washing them.

20. If your breakfast consists of a coke on the way to class.

21. If your social life consists of a date with the library.

22. If your idea of "doing your hair" is putting on a baseball cap.

23. If it takes a shovel to find the floor of your room.

24. If you carry less than a dollar on you at all times because that's all you have

.25. If you haven't done laundry in so long you are wearing your swim suit to class.

26. If your midnight snack is microwave popcorn.

27. If you celebrate when you find a quarter.

28. If your room is so cold that your toilet freezes over.

29. If your walls are plastered with posters of half naked men or women.(whichever your preference)

30. If you have built up a tolerence for certain beverages.(he he he)

31. If you wear a sweat suit for so long that it stands up by itself.

32. If your backpack is giving you Scoliosis.

33. If you get more sleep in class than in your room.

34. If your idea of feeding the poor is buying yourself some Ramen Noodles.

35. If you can sleep through your roommate's blaring stereo.

36. If you live in an area that is smaller than most mobile homes.

Little Johnny wanted to walk his dog.

So he goes to his mom and asked, "Mom? Can I take the dog for a walk?"

His mom replies,"No son, you can't."

"Why not?" Little Johnny inquired.

"Because son, she is in heat," she explained.

"What does that mean?" he asked.

Exasperated, and not wanting to reply she said, "Go and ask your father." So he does and he asked his dad, "Dad? Can I take the dog for a walk?" His father said, "No son, you can't."

"Why not?" "Because she is in heat," the dad explains.

"What's that?" Not wanting to explain, the father rubbed some gasoline on the dog's rear end and said, "Here go ahead and take her for a walk."

So little Johnny took the dog out for a walk.

Ten minutes later he came home without the dog!

The father asked, "Where is the dog?"

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress.

He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.

"Names Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge...Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come."

"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem... after 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em."Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

Damn, Sam thinks... tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people.I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there ... by the way, what should I wear?

I AM CANADIAN Hey, I'm not a lumberjack, or a fur trader... and I don't l live in an igloo, or eat blubber, or own a dogsled... and I don't know Jimmy, Sally or Suzy from Canada, although I'm certain they're really, really nice.

I have a Prime Minister, not a President.

I speak English and French, NOT American. and I pronounce it 'ABOUT', NOT 'A BOOT'.

I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack. I believe in peace keeping, NOT policing.

DIVERSITY, NOT ! assimilation, AND THAT THE BEAVER IS A TRULY PROUD AND NOBLE ANIMAL. A TOUQUEIS A HAT, A CHESTERFIELD IS A COUCH, AND IT IS PRONOUNCED 'ZED' NOT 'ZEE','ZED'!!!

CANADA IS THE SECOND LARGEST LANDMASS!

THE FIRST NATION OFHOCKEY! AND THE BEST PART OF NORTH AMERICA!

MY NAME IS JOE!! AND I AM CANADIAN!!!!!!!! __________________________________________________________________

I AM ITALIAN Ciao... I'm not a construction worker, a brick layer or a school janitor. I don't live in a basement, or eat pasta every night, and I don't drive a Camaro. And I don't know Tony, Rocco ! or Gino from Bridgeland, although I'm certain they're very very hairy people.

I drink wine...not beer. I don't use utensils for pizza. I believe in open bars at weddings, not cash.

And its pronounced ESPRESSO, not EX-PRESSO.

I can proudly fly my country's flag out of my car during the world cup.

Gelato IS ice cream, Biscotti ARE cookies, Pavarotti IS the best of the three tenors, And it's Broo-SKetta, not Broo-SHetta!!

Italy is the ONLY country shaped like footwear,

The FIRST nation of soccer, And the BEST part of Europe!!

My name is Guido !!! AND I AM ITALIAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! _____________________________________________________________________ I AM PAKISTANI Allo, I'm not a cab driver, a 7-11 clerk or a gas attendant. I don't go to fleamarkets, or worship elephants, or eat with my hands. And I don't know Akbar, Rampreet or Mohammed from Rundle, Although I'm certain they're very smelly people.

I eat roti....not pita. I don't only shower once a week, I believe in discounts, not full price. And I pronounce it WHAT, not VHAT. I can proudly fly my country's flag out of my car during a terrorist siege.

A turban IS an article of clothing

Spicy foods ARE better than mild foods Currie is a VERY tasty dish, And it IS pronounced Gaun-dee,not Gun-dee, GAUN-dee!!

Pakistan is a third world country,

The first nation of Cricket

And the BESTpart of the middle east!!

My name is Raheem! AND I AM PAKISTANI!!!! _________________________________________________________________ I AM CHINESE! Wai... I'm not a cook, or a computer tech, or the owner of a laundromat I don't live with my parents, I don't eat dog. I don't drive a souped-upCivic. And I don't know Ping, Ching or Wing from Beddington HeightsAlthough I'm certain they're very rice... I mean nice people.

I use chopsticks, not a fork. I rarely drive on the sidewalk. I believe in giving cash,not gifts And I pronounce it HELLO, not HARRO.

I can proudly wave mycountry's flag at a tank during a massacre, Dim sum IS brunch, Gwai-Los ARE white folk Jet Li can kick Van Damme's ass anyday. And it IS pronounced Gon Hay Fa Choi, not Gon HEE Fat Choy

China is the LARGEST country in As

ia The FIRST nation of PING-PONG, And the BEST remaining COMMUNIST COUNTRY!!

My name is FUNG!!! AND I AM CHINESE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ____________________________________________________________________ I AM AMERICAN Wassup... I'm not particularly intelligent, open-minded, or well-liked.And I don't live in a safe place, eat a balanced diet, or drive very well. I don't know Shakespeare, Da Vinci or Gutenberg, Although I'm pretty sure they weren't American.

I drink beer, not water, I am outspoken,not opinionated,

Guns settle disputes, not discussions.

Winning isn't everything, it's the ONLY thing,

And it's pronounced RUFF, not ROOF. I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack, unless I go somewhere.

Burger King IS fine dining. Washing after peeing is for LOSERS, Twinkies and Moon Pies ARE GOOD for breakfast, I have a SHED, NOT a GARAGE, and WWF ACTION IS REAL!

The UNITED STATES OF AMERICA is the ONLY country in the world,

The FIRST nation of IGNORANCE, And the BEST part of SOUTH AMERICA!!

One day a duck walked into a convienence store and asked the cashier "Got any grapes?"

The cashier politely answered, "No this a convienence store, we dont sell any fresh produce."

So the duck left. He walked around the block once and walked back into the store. He walked up to the cashier and once again asked him, "Got any grapes?"

The cashier slightly agitated answered him, "No I just told you sir, we are a convienence store and therefore we do not have any fresh produce."

So the duck walks out of the store around the corner and comes back in but again. He walks up to the cashier and asks him, "Got any grapes?"

The cashier is just annoyed now. He firmly answered this time by saying,

"NO we do not sell fresh produce, and if you ask me that one more time I'm goin to nail your feet to the floor!"

The duck says ok and walks out of the store. He walks around the corner and walks back into the store.He walks up to the cashier and asks, "Got any nails?"

"No."

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do women wear evening gowns to night clubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in air tight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say? "Me?"

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

"I am." Is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.

Could it be that "I Do." is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

This is a specially formulated diet designed to help women cope with the stress that builds up during the day.

BREAKFAST
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole-wheat toast
1 cup chocolate milk

LUNCH
small portion lean, steamed chicken
with a cup of spinach
cup herbal tea
2 Hershey kisses

AFTERNOON TEA
the rest of the kisses in the bag,
tub of Hagen Daas ice cream

DINNER
3 bottles of wine (red or white)
2 orders of chinese chow-mien
1 family size supreme pizza
3 snickers bars

LATE NIGHT SNACK
whole frozen Sarah Lee cheesecake
(eaten directly from thefreezer)

An Amish woman was traveling down the road one day in a buggy when a state trooper pulled her over.

Walking up to the buggy, the trooper said to the woman, "Ma'am,I can see that you do not have a slow-moving vehicle emblem on the back of this buggy, and I am going to have to issue you a citation for that."

As he takes out his pen to write, he notices that one of the reins is tied around the horse's testicles. The trooper gets very upset about this,and tells the woman that he will have to issue a citation for animal cruelty,also. He hands the tickets to the woman and she proceeds home.

At home, her husband asks how her day went, and she begins to tell him about the tickets."He gave me this one because that orange triangle fell of the back of the buggy."

The husband replies that he can fix that, and then asks what the second peice of paper is for.

Years ago while lying in my hammock and drinking JD from the bottle I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence.

Upon inspection, to my dismay, I realized it was the next door neighbor's 10 year old daughter's rabbit.

For years I had watched her come home from school and head straight out to its cage, free it and play with it in the yard.

I knew today would be no different and fearing for our dog, I had to think fast.

The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I washed it off with the hose, combed it with the Dog brush and blew it dry with the leaf blower.

Upon finishing it's grooming I jumped the fence and placed the rabbit back in it's cage hoping it's death would be written off as"natural causes".

Back to the hammock and JD. Within the hour the neighbors Volvo pulled in as usual and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight for the cage.

Only this time she stopped about six feet away and screamed: "DDDDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Her father panic stricken stood looking at the cage. Being the good neighbor that I am I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything I could do.

A fugitive was running from the police.

He was hiding in the house of his ex-girlfriend, and they just had a "wonderful time."

Suddenly, a knock is heard on the door.

"Police, open!!!"

The man hides on top of large rafters along the living room ceiling. However, his abnormally large balls hang down into sight.

The woman opens the door and the police burst in, search the house head to foot, but find nothing.

One of the cops notices the balls, and asks what the hell those are. "Chinese temple bells," the woman answers. "I've always wanted to hear the tingling sound of Chinese temple bells,"replied the cop.

He gives them a great bang with his club. No sound. Again, he bangs them, but nothing.

Puzzled, he whacks them as hard as he can, and there is a loud scream from above,

There's a redneck lumberjack sawing away at some trees with his chainsaw when he fumbles with it.

However, he wasn't very lucky, and all 10 of his fingers are cut off.

So, he runs to the nearest doctor's office and holds out his bloody hands to the
first doctor he can find and says "Doctor, please, you've got to re-attatch my fingers!" So the doctor says

"Lucky for you, we have the technology to do that. Where are the fingers?"

The redneck replies "In the woods where I cut them off." The doctor
is shocked and says "Well, we can't re-attatch your fingers if you don't have them with you!

Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
A. Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.

Q. What do you call a pregnancy that begins while using birth control?
A. A misconception.

Q. Can a woman get pregnant from a toilet seat?
A. Yes, but the baby would be awfully funny looking.

Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.

Q. What is a chastity belt?
A. A labor-saving device.

Q. When does a woman's biological clock start ticking?
A. Right after she looks in the mirror and thinks, "On my God, crow's feet!"

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. I normally wear a size 34-C bra. Now that I'm pregnant, should I continue to wear a bra?
A. Not if you don't mind switching in the future to a size 34-Long.

Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A. Childbirth.

Q. My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive?
A. Then the jig is up.

Q. Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children is enough.

Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
A. Your therapist.

Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?
A. The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.

Q. Does pregnancy affect a woman's memory?
A. I don't remember.

Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.

Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A. Depends on what your doing with them.

Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. Cause you're fatter then they are.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes
she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question?

Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.

Q. Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor?
A. When the sex is between your husband and another woman.

Q. What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

Q. What position should the baby be in during the ninth month of pregnancy?
A. Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder.

Q. What's the best way to get a man to give up his seat to a pregnant woman?
A. Brute force.

Q. How do I know if my baby has dropped?
A. He/She will start crying. Be more careful!

Q. How long is the average woman in labor?
A. Whatever she says, divided by two.

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?
A. Authorized personnel only--doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.

Q. What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
A. It means you feel as thought not only a crown but the entire
throne is trying to make it's way out of you.

Q. What are forceps?
A. Giant baby tweezers.

Q. Does anyone in this country still give birth in the fields?
A. Not on purpose.

Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A. Yes, pregnancy.

Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Under what circumstances should a baby not be circumcised?
A. When it's a girl, for starters.

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.

Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.

Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.

Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.

Q. What is the grasp reflex?
A. The reaction of new father's when he sees new mother's breasts.

Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A. Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.

Q. What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?
A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.

Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if your change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q. What causes baby blues?
A. Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.

Q. Nannies aren't cheap are they?
A. Not usually, but occasionally you'll find a floozy.

Q. What are night terrors?
A. Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again.