What's the difference between a FOX and a PIG?

About 4 drinks!

What's the difference between a straight (ethnic group) man and a gay (ethnic group) man?

A leper walks into a bar and orders a beer. When the bartender brings
it out and sets it down in front of him, the barkeeper throws up.

The leper says, "Does my appearance bother you? I can leave if
there's a problem."

"No, no! There's no problem. I'll get you another beer."

So the bartender cleans up his mess, gets another beer, sets it down in front
of the leper, and throws up again.

"Are you sure there's no problem with me being here?" the leper
asks.

"I am so embarrassed," the bartender says, "I'm so sorry. It won't
happen again."

So he cleans up his mess, gets another beer, and throws up AGAIN.

"Look, there's obviously a problem with me being here so why didn't
you just say something? I could have just left, you know!" shouted the
leper, who at this point is very angry.

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language
during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do however realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with
coworkers, therefore, a list of preferred new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can
continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

PREFERRED: Perhaps I can work late.
OLD: When the fuck do you expect me to do this?
PREFERRED: I'm certain that is not feasible.
OLD: No fucking way.
PREFERRED: Really?
OLD: You've got to be shitting me.
PREFERRED: Perhaps you should check with ...
OLD: Tell someone who gives a shit.
PREFERRED: Of course I'm concerned.
OLD: Ask me if I give a shit.
PREFERRED: I wasn't involved in that project.
OLD: Its not my fucking problem.
PREFERRED: That's interesting behavior.
OLD: What the fuck?!
PREFERRED: I'm not sure I can implement this.
OLD: Fuck it, it won't work.
PREFERRED: I'll try to schedule that.
OLD: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner.
PREFERRED: Are you sure this is a problem.
OLD: Who the fuck cares.
PREFERRED: He's not familiar with the problem.
OLD: He's got his head up his ass.
PREFERRED: Excuse me sir?
OLD: Eat shit and die motherfucker.
PREFERRED: So you weren't happy with it?
OLD: Kiss my ass!
PREFERRED: I'm a bit overloaded at this moment.
OLD: Fuck it, I'm on salary.
PREFERRED: I don't think you understand.
OLD: Shove it up your ass.
PREFERRED: I love a challenge.
OLD: This job sucks.
PREFERRED: You want me to take care of that?
OLD: Who the hell died and made you boss.
PREFERRED: I see.
OLD: Blow me.
PREFERRED: Yes, we really should discuss it.
OLD: Another fucking meeting!
PREFERRED: I don't think this will be a problem.
OLD: I really don't give a shit.
PREFERRED: He's somewhat insensitive.
OLD: He's a fucking prick.
PREFERRED: She's an aggressive go getter
OLD: She's a ball busting bitch.
PREFERRED: I think you could use more training
OLD: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.

This priest was feeling ill one day while hearing confessions.
So, when the last person in line was done, he peeked out the cubical
door, and saw the janitor.

"Excuse me my son, could you do me a favor? Would you sit here a
minute while I use the restroom?

"Well father, I really don't know what I'd do if..."

"It's OK, I have a list here on the wall with every sin I have heard.
If someone does come in, just look at the list, OK?"

"OK."

Well not a minute later a woman entered.

"Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I kissed a man before
I even knew his name."

The janitor looks down the list: "OK, three 'Hail Marys' and all is forgiven."

"Well father, we also went to his house and got undressed."

Looking..."Um, five 'Our Fathers', six 'Hail Marys', and all is forgiven."

"Well, we....also had oral and anal sex."

He looks down the list, but can't find oral and anal sex.
So, in a desperate attempt he opens the door to see if the priest is
returning. But, he only sees an altar boy.

"Hey, kid! What does the father give for oral and anal sex?"

"Well, I usually get a cheeseburger and a coke!"

There are three guys in a bar.

Two are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives. The third remains silent.

After awhile one of the first two turns to the third and says, "What about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

"Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

His friends were amazed! "What happened then?"

How to know whether or not you are ready to have kids.

MESS TEST
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST
Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.

GROCERY STORE TEST
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00p.m.Get up, pick up your bag, and
sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00a.m. Set alarm for 5:00a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

INGENUITY TEST
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

AUTOMOBILE TEST
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect.

PHYSICAL TEST (Women)
Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing them for a while.

PHYSICAL TEST (Men)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that out building that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, Get in."

A Guy and his wife are riding two up along a twisty road with a 55MPH limit. Cop pulls the guy over.

"Had you going about 70 in 55 back there," says the cop.

"Not me," says the guy, "Could be your radar picked up someone else or something, but my speedometer was set right on 55."

Wife pipes up, "You were to going 70. I've told you 20 mile back you were going to get stopped if you didn't slow down."

"Shut up would ya!" mumbles the guy.

"Can I see your proof of insurance?" asks the cop.

"Sure, my card is right here in my wallet."

Wife says, "That card's no good and you know it. You haven't paid the last premium and the company sent you a cancellation notice."

"Damn," yells the guy. "Would you shut the hell up for once"

"Ma'am," says the cop. "Does this guy always talk to you like this?"

An elderly gentleman, quite well to do, realized that his life was turning down the final stretch, so he summoned the three friends that he trusted the most for some advice. one was a doctor, one a priest,and one an attorney.

"I've been thinking lately," he said to them, "that perhaps there is something to the ancient Egyptian belief that when we die, we take some things with us to the next world. So, I'm giving each of you an envelope with $1 million in it. At my funeral, I ask each of you to slip it into my casket so that I can use it on my journey to the next world." The three agreed.

A few weeks later, he was dead. At the funeral, each of the three went up to the casket, and each placed an envelope into the casket. Afterwards the three were talking, and the doctor couldn't keep it in any longer. "I have a confession," he said. "This year has been quite bad for the clinic. My cat scan machine broke, and I had to scrape to replace it. I took $80,000 out of the envelope to pay for it." As the other two cringed, the priest then added, "I must confess, too. The poor have been especially bad this year, and to provide them with food, I took $120,000 out and used it to feed and clothe them."

The attorney was beside himself. "I am disgusted. Our friend asked but one thing of each of us, and trusted us with his last request. How could you two break that trust and go against his wishes?" The doctor replies, "You expect us to believe that you, an attorney, didn't take anything out of your envelope?"

A lawyer was very successful in his last case, so his client paid him a good deal of money.

So he decided he wanted to buy a new Jaguar. He drove to the dealership and took a test drive. It was perfect. So he paid for the car and drove out to show off his Jaguar.

The lawyer was driving along when he saw this beautiful girl in a red convertible. He gave her a quick wink when all of a sudden a large cement trunk rammed into the side of his new car.

Well, this outraged the lawyer. He jumped out of the car and started screaming

"You retard! How could you just crash into my new car!"

The truck driver gave him the strangest look and sped off.

The lawyer then called 911. A policeman arrived at the scene a few minutes later

The lawyer told the story over again. He kept talking about how much the car cost and how it needed to be repaired.

All of a sudden the policeman said, "You lawyers are so possesive!!" and gave him the same look that the cement truck driver gave the lawyer.

The lawyer said back, "How dare you insult me! And I am not possessive!"

So the policeman said, "Then why are you so wrapped up in what happened to your car when your arm has been ripped off of your body?!"

One day this guy walks into this bar and he sees this jar full of 100 dollar bills.

So the guy walks over to the bartender and asks,"what is that for", and the bartender says it's a contest.

The guy says what do you have to do to win?

The bartender says you have to knock down this guy named Tiny and he looks at Tiny and tiny isn't so Tiny. Then the bartender says, then you have to pull a tooth from this pitbull out back and for the last thing you have to do is to have sex with a 97 year old lady up stairs.

Do these guys at Radio Shack ever get on your nerves, asking you for a bunch of personal data when you're just there to buy something as simple as a couple AA batteries? I think we should inconvenience these people as much as they do us. A while ago I was in Enid buying a printer cable adaptor and the guy asked me
for my name.

"Ghosseindhatsghabyfaird-Johnson," I replied.

(blank look of confusion)

"How do you spell that?" he asked, obviously not wanting to know.

"With a hyphen," I clarified

"Once more?" he asked

"Ghosseindhatsghabyfaird-Johnson"

"Could you please spell that?" he asked, glancing at the half dozen people waiting behind me.

"Oh... just like it sounds," I said nonchalantly.

Putting down "Johnson", he went on and asked about the address.

"Washburn, Wisconsin, 14701 N.E. Wachatanoobee Parkway, Complex 3, Building O, Appt. 1382b." I replied.

Almost through writing all this down, I said "Or did you mean current address?"

He said, (becoming irritated) "Yes. Current address."

"Diluthian Heights, Mississippi, 1372 S. Tinatonabee Avenue, Building 14C, Suite 2, Box 138201," I replied quite slowly.

Waiting until he finished I said "No, wait, it's North Tinatonabee Avenue." Annoyed, he backed up and changed it.

"I think," I interjected.

"And is all this correct?" he asked in a standard manner.

"Of course not," I replied, leaving, "If you want my real name and address, look at the damned credit card receipt."