One day a boy came home from school.He went into the bathroom and saw his mother naked.

He looked at her breast and asked her what they were....... she said they were headlights.

Then he looked at her vagina and asked her what that was.She said it was a forest.

The next day he comes home from school and walks into the bathroom where his father was taking a shower.He looks at hispenis and asks him what is was.He says it is a snake.

The next day he comes home early from school and sees his mom and dad having sex on the couch.He asks them what they are doing and his dad says "I am taking my snake on an adventure through mommy's forest."

The very next day the boy comes home 4 hours later than usual.His parents are very worried and they ask what he had been doing.He smiles and simply replys, "I just been been playing with Jenny's headlights and going on nice, wild, and long adventure in her forest".

One day a guy with premature ejaculation probloms went to a doctor.

The doctor said, "Whenever you feel the urge to ejaculate, startle yourself."

So he went out and bought a starter pistol.

When he got home his wife was naked in bed ready fo him. So they got in the 69 position and started at it.

When he felt the urge he fired the pistol.

An army Sergeant Major walked into a whorehouse one night and approached the madam and said, "My name is Sergeant Major Dick and I'm here for a woman!".

The madam immediatly escorted the soldier upstairs and selected the best call girl that they had working that night.

Segeant Major Dick disrobed and was standing with his hands on his hips while he looked at the prostitute awaiting him on the bed.

He then said, "My name is Sergeant Major Dick. Been in the Army 30 years and I'm a master of my mind and body.

Dick, ATTEN-HUN!" Immediatly his penis became fully erect. The prostitute was in awe and asked him how he was able to do that.

The Sergeant replied "Like I said, I am a master of my mind and body.

Dick,AT EASE!" His penis immediatly went limp. The prositute couldn't belive the control this man had and asked for another demonstration.

He repeated his comands and again the penis responded immediatly.

Still amazed, the protitute asked for one last demonstration."

Dick, ATTEN-HUN!" His penis became erect."

Dick, AT EASE!" This time to his amazement, his penis did not go limp. Again, he gave the command, "Dick, AT EASE!" No luck. At this point, he was outraged. "Apparently you didn't hear me soldier...Dick AT EASE!" Still erect. He moved over to the corner of the room and started to masturbate vigorously.

The prostitute asked "Why the hell are you doing that?!"

"This soldier disobeyed a direct order," the Sergeant replied,"I'm giving him a dishonorable discharge!".

More Actual Bloopers From Church Bulletins

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER &FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

"Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.Smile at someone who is hard to love.Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.Don't let worry kill you - let the Church help.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoy sinning to join the choir.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M.-prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday. Please use the back door.

One day a mother and her daughter were walking in a park when they saw two teenagers having sex on the bench.

The little girl said "mommie what are they doing?" The mom thought she was to young to know what sex was and so she said "they are making cakes sweetie."

So later they were at a zoo and they saw these two monkeys having sex in a tree. The little girl asked again"what are they doing?

Once again the mom said "they are making cakes."

So later on that night the little girl walks in her moms room and catches her watching a porno.

The little girl asks "mommie what are you watching?"

The mom says "I'm watching them make cakes on t.v."

So the next morning the little girl wakes up and says "mommie you and daddy were making cakes last night weren't you?"

The mother trying to figure out how she knows this asks "why would you say that sweetie?" The little girl answers "because I licked the icing off of the couch."

So, she hires a new painter to come in. She takes him to her dining room and says "Now, for this room, I want it to be yellow, but sort of a mellow yellow, nothing too bright."

So the painter marks down "Mellowish yellow: Dining room" in hisnotebook, walks to the window,opens it, looks out, and yells"Green side up!"

The woman was puzzled, but she continued on to her living room.She said "I like green, but this room is too green. Could you maybe add some more blue to it, make it an aquamarine-like color?" So the painter marks down "Aquamarine-ish: Living room".Then, he walks to the window, opens it, leans out, and yells out "Green side up!"

This was starting to annoy the woman, but she continued upsatirs to her bedroom and said "I just don't like the looks of this room. Could you make it more maroon?" So the painter marks down"Maroon: Bedroom".

And once again, he walks to the bedroom window, opens it, and yells "Green side up!"

The woman can take no more of this and just lets it go. "Why doyou always yell "Green side up!" every time after I tell you what color I want a room to be?"

The painter looks away from the window and says "We'll, ma'am, I'm not just a painter. I have a whole house care business. Painting, roofing, sides, you name it.

Once there was a Catholic church that recently got itself a new priest.

This priest was fixed on bringing young people to the church.

One day the older priest sat down the younger one and said, "You have done much good for our church! When you suggested we get bucket seats instead of pews, the teenage population of our church really went up!"

The young priest smiled smugly.

Then he continued, "And when you decided to bring in rock gospel groups instead of a choir, the teenage population went up further."

He smiles again. "But the thing I'm not sure about is the drive-in confessional.

I mean, the whole idea is fine, but I'm concerned about the neon sign in front. We might need to change that."

The young priest guy frowned. "Well, what's wrong with it, father?" "

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

Tech Rep: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

Tech Rep: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

Tech Rep: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a tradeshow? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"

Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has "4X" on it."

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it.

This is an actual job application! Applying to MacDonald's

NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I behere?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

1. Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

2. Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

3. Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

4. Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

5. Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

6. Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

7. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

8. Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?

9, Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

10. Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?

11. Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance that little indestructible black box is?

12. Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

13. Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

14. Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

15. Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

16. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

17. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

18. Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

19. Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

20. Why is a boxing ring square?

A woman goes to her doctor for a follow up visit after the doctor had prescribed testostorone (a male hormone) for her. She is a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid your giving me too much. I am starting to grow hair in places I have never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her, "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where is the hair appearing?"

Pregnancy/Birth Control

Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
A. Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.

Q. What do you call a pregnancy that begins while using birth control?
A. A misconception.

Q. Can a woman get pregnant from a toilet seat?
A. Yes, but the baby would be awfully funny looking.

Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.

Q. What is a chastity belt?
A. A labor-saving device.

Q. When does a woman's biological clock start ticking?
A. Right after she looks in the mirror and thinks, "On my God,
crow's feet!"

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. I normally wear a size 34-C bra. Now that I'm pregnant,
should I continue to wear a bra?
A. Not if you don't mind switching in the future to a size
34-Long.

Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A. Childbirth.

Q. My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive?
A. Then the jig is up.

Q. Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children is enough.

Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
A. Your therapist.

Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?
A. The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.

Q. Does pregnancy affect a woman's memory?
A. I don't remember.

Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.

Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A. Depends on what your doing with them.

Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. Cause you're fatter then they are.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes
she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question?

Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.

Q. Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor?
A. When the sex is between your husband and another woman.

Q. What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

Q. What position should the baby be in during the ninth month of pregnancy?
A. Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder.

Q. What's the best way to get a man to give up his seat to a pregnant woman?
A. Brute force.

Q. How do I know if my baby has dropped?
A. He/She will start crying. Be more careful!

Q. How long is the average woman in labor?
A. Whatever she says, divided by two.

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?
A. Authorized personnel only--doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.

Q. What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
A. It means you feel as thought not only a crown but the entire
throne is trying to make it's way out of you.

Q. What are forceps?
A. Giant baby tweezers.

Q. Does anyone in this country still give birth in the fields?
A. Not on purpose.

Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A. Yes, pregnancy.

Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Under what circumstances should a baby not be circumcised?
A. When it's a girl, for starters.

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.

Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.

Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.

Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.

Q. What is the grasp reflex?
A. The reaction of new father's when he sees new mother's breasts.

Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A. Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.

Q. What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?
A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.

Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if your change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q. What causes baby blues?
A. Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.

Q. Nannies aren't cheap are they?
A. Not usually, but occasionally you'll find a floozy.

Q. What are night terrors?
A. Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again.

One day a little boy boards the city bus, pays his fees, and sits behind the driver.

He starts saying, "If my mommy was a bull and my daddy was a bull, I'd be a little bull."

The driver is annoyed, but he plays along.

"If my mommy was an elephant and my daddy was an elephant, I would be a little elephant."

The boy continues on with many other animals like that.

Finally the bus driver gets ticked off and yells, "What if your mommy was a prostitute and your daddy was a faggot?"

The little boy smiles and says, "I'd be a bus driver!"

Only in America

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and thenchain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in he driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines and callerID to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

 8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of tenand buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
                
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

1. On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping". [Gee, that's
the only time I have to work on my hair]

2. On a bag of Fritos: "You could be winner! No purchase
necessary. Details inside". [Evidently, the shoplifter special]

3. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."[And that would be how...?]

4. On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions efrost." [But it's *just* a suggestion]

5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Donot turn upside down". [Oops, too late!]

6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating". [As sure as night follows the day . . . ..]

7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body". [But wouldn't this save even more time?]

8. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication". [We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.]

  9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness". [One would hope]
                
10. On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoouse only". [As opposed to what?]

11. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use". [I
    gotta admit, I'm curious].

12. On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts".[NEWS FLASH]

13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions:! open
packet, eat nuts." [Step 3: Fly Delta]

14. On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does
not enable you to fly". [I don't blame the company. I do blame parents for this one!]

A Russian, a Mexican, and Texan are out riding horses.

The Russian pulls out an expensive bottle of Vodka, takes a long draught, then another and suddenly throws it into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the bottle in midair.

The Mexican looks at him and says, "What are you doing? That was a perfectly good bottle of Vodka!"

The Russian says, "In Russia, there is plenty of Vodka and the bottles are cheap."

A while later, not wanting to be outdone, the Mexican pulls out a bottle of Tequila, takes a few sips, throws the Tequila into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots it in midair.

The Texan can't believe his eyes, "What the hell did you do that for? That was a perfectly good bottle of Tequila!"

The Mexican says, "In Mexico, we have plenty of Tequila and bottles are cheap."

So, awhile later, the Texan pulls out a bottle of Beer. He opens it, takes a sip, and then chugs the whole bottle. He then puts the bottle in his saddlebag, pulls out his gun, and shoots the Mexican.

The Russian, shocked, says, "Why the hell did you do that?!"