"You all haveobsessions," he observed.To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy.

"He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money.

Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.

This is a great way to get a new week started --

It puts things in proper perspective.

Take this quiz:

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.

2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.

3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest.

4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer prize.

5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.

6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.

How did you do?

The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday.

These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields.

But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.

Here's another quiz.
See how you do on this one.

1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.

2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.

3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.

4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.

5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.

6. Name half a dozen heroes whose stories have inspired you.

Easier?

The moral ?

The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with
the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards.

They are the ones that care.

Bill told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened.

About one hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn. "What happend to you?" asked Bill.

"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."

I've learned.... That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

I've learned.... That when you're in love, it shows.

I've learned.... that just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!", makes my day.

I've learned.... That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

I've learned.... That being kind is more important than being right.

I've learned.... That you should never say no to a gift from a child.

I've learned.... That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.

I've learned.... That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

I've learned.... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.

I've learned.... That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.

I've learned.... That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes. (this sounds like a Forrest Gump saying!)

I've learned.... That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.

I've learned.... That money doesn't buy class.

I've learned.... That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

I've learned.... That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

I've learned.... That the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?

I've learned.... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I've learned.... That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.

I've learned.... That love, not time, heals all wounds.

I've learned.... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

I've learned.... That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

I've learned.... That there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling their breath on your cheeks.

I've learned.... That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

I've learned.... That life is tough, but I'm tougher.

I've learned.... That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.

I've learned.... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

I've learned.... That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.

I've learned.... That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

I've learned.... That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

I've learned.... That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.

I've learned.... That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.

I've learned.... That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

I've learned ... That it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life-threatening situation.

I've learned.... That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one. Friends are very rare jewels, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed.

Whats a redneck entertainment center?

An easy chair, a bird feeder, and a B-B gun.

************************************

A man walking on the beach found an empty bottle. He picked up the bottle and a genie popped out. "You have freed me from that bottle," said the genie. "I will grant you three wishes, but for every wish you make every lawyer in the world gets doubled of what you wished for."

"OK," said the man. "For my first wish I want to have 10 million dollars."

"Remember now, every lawyer has just received 20 million dollars."

"No problem!" "For my second wish I want a brand new car."

"Remember now every lawyer in the world has just recived 2 brand new cars."

"And for my third wish, I want to donate a kidney."

******

Subject: Canadian American Relations

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it.

This morningthe alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both my house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I opened the store and started waiting on these people, and all the time the damn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I stood up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles on it...all of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it.It was your wife.

Canadians 1 USA 0

Winner gets to take on Australia.

For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer,
this one is for you. It's a classic!

In tribute to those 'special' customers we all love! An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a
long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger
pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, I
HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you,
but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to
work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the
passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.

"May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing
throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT
KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

Why do Blondes have "TGIF" written on their shoes?
Toes Go In First.

Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland.
After being in the car for 4 hours they finally saw a sign that said "Disneyland left"so they turned around and went home.

What do smart Blondes and UFO's have in common?
You always hear about them but you never see them.

What did the Blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?
Oh look, daddy ... doughnut seeds.

Why did the Blonde stare at a can of frozen orange juice?
Because it said concentrate.

Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms?
They think their picture is being taken.

How can you tell when a Blonde sends you a fax?
It has a stamp on it.

Why can't Blondes dial 911?
They can't find the eleven on the phone!

What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you?
Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!

How can you tell if a Blonde has been using your computer?
There is whiteout all over the monitor.

Why shouldn't Blondes have coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them.

A brunette goes to the doctor and as she touches each part of her body with her finger she says, "Doctor it hurts everywhere.My leg hurts, my arm hurts, my neck hurts, and even my head hurts!"
The doctor asks, "Were you ever a Blonde?" "Yes, I was."she replies. "Why do you ask?"
The doctor answers, "because your finger is broken!"

A Blonde and a brunette were walking outside when the brunette said, "Oh, look at the dead bird."
The Blonde looked skyward and said "Where, where?

"How do you drown a Blonde? Put a scratch & sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool

Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
You have to hollow out the head.

How do you get a twinkle in a Blonde's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Why don't Blondes like making KOOL-AID?
Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet

.Did you hear about the two Blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out, "My God, I know who that man is. It's Jesus!"

The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table. The American calls out, "Hey! Hey, you! Are you Jesus?" The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. Yes, I am Jesus," he says.

The American calls the bartender over and says to him, "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a tall glass of Coor's light from me."So the bartender pours Jesus a Coor's Light and takes it over to his table. Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles thank you and drinks.

The Englishman then calls out, "Er, excuse me Sir, but would you be Jesus?" Jesus smiles and says, "Yes, I am Jesus." The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus, which the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.

Then the Canadian calls out, "Hey b'y! Are you Jesus, Eh! or wot?"
Jesus nods and says, "Yes, I am Jesus." The Canadian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a Molson Blue for Jesus, which he accepts with pleasure.

Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men. He reaches for the hand of the American and shakes it, thanking him for the Coor's Light. When he lets go, the American gives a cry of amazement. "Oh God, the arthritis is gone," he says."The arthritis I've had for years is gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock. "By jove," he exclaims, "The migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone. It's a miracle!"

Jack lived and worked on a farm with the farmer, the farmers wife and their daughter Mabel.

One fine day as Jack was attending to his daily chores he saw Mabel bending over to milk the cow. He felt himself become aroused for the first time and shocked, ran to find the farmer to explain this strange phenomena. Upon finding the farmer he proceded to drop his trousers and whip out his stiff trouser snake much to the horror of the farmer."Farmer, farmer," Jack cried, "what is happening to my penis?"

"Now settle down and put that thing away." said the farmer."Don't worry about it. It happens to all men."

"But i don't like it!" cried Jack.

"Well then," said the farmer, "next time it happens just go into the milk shed, get some cow shit and rub it on your dick. It'll go down quick smart, trust me."

The next day Jack was passing by the house when he looked in and saw the farmers wife having a shower. Feeling his member getting hard he rushed into the cow shed, dropped his pants and picked up two handfulls of shit. Just then Mabel walked into the shed.

"What are you doing Jack?" asked Mabel.
"Well," Jack replied,"I'm gonna rub this shit on my dick to make it go down."

"That would be a waste." Mabel said as she laid down on the ground and lifted her skirt. "Why don't you stick it up here?"

One day, a father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the firm purpose of showing his son how poor people can be.

They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family.

On their return from the trip, the father asked his son, "How was the trip?" "It was great, Dad." "Did yousee how poor people can be?" the father asked.

"Oh yeah," said the son.

"So what did you learn from the trip?" asked the father

The son answered, "I saw that we have one dog and they have four. We have a pool
that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end. We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night." "Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon. We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight. We have servants who serve us, but they serve others." "We buy our food, but they grow theirs. We have walls around our property to protect us and they have friends to protect them."

With this, the boy's father was speechless.

Then his son added, "Thanks, Dad, for showing me how poor we are."

Too many times we forget what we have and concentrate on what we don't have. What is one person's worthless object is another's prize possession. It is all based on one's perspective. Makes you wonder what would happen if we all gave thanks to God for all the bounty we have been provided by Him instead of worrying about wanting more.

May God bless each and every one of you. Take joy in all that He has given us, especially our Friends.

The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined,dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russiahad to offer.

On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "Asyour stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded--you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your
head, and pull the trigger."

This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers. Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh
of relief.

The African ambassador was much impressed with the couragous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.

When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassadorspoke, "Now it is time for you to sample our game, African
roulette." So saying, he led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women. The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a blow
job--take your pick".