Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are 22 questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, theresponses given by insightful witnesses:

"Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

Q:"The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

Q:"Were you present when your picture was taken?"

Q:"Were you alone or by yourself?"

Q:"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

Q:"Did he kill you?"

Q:"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

Q:"You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

Q:"How many times have you committed suicide?"

Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?" A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

Q: "She had three children, right?" A: "Yes." Q: "How many were boys?" A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"

Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q:"And these stairs, did they go up also?"

Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"

Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?" A: "By death."
Q:"And by who's death was it terminated?"

Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"

Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?" A: "Oral."

Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.." Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering
why I was doing an autopsy."

Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?" A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."

Q:"Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."

Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?" A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A:"No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?" A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "Butcould the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get acab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And when I wasthinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison..."

"It's no big deal," St. Peter explained. "Just sit at the registrationdesk, and ask each person a little about his or her life. Then, send themto housekeeping to pick up their wings."

On the third day, Jesus looked up to see a bewildered old man standing in front of him. He asked the old man to tell him something about himself.

"I'm a simple carpenter," said the old man. "And once I had a son. He was born in a very special way, and was unlike anyone else in the world. He went through a great transformation even though he had holes in his hands and feet. He was taken from me a long time ago, but his spirit lives on forever. All over the world people tell his story."

By this time, Jesus was standing with his arms outstretched. There were tears in his eyes, as he embraced the old man. "Dad..." he cried, "it's been so long."

The old man squinted, removed his glasses, stares blankly for a moment while he wiped the glasses, returned the glasses to his head, looked at Jesus again and said, "Pinocchio?"

A husband comes home late one night from work and his wife is already in bed. He asks, "Honey, do you want to make love?" She replies, "No." He says, "Is that your final answer?" She says,"Yes."

10. Ellen DeGeneres: Suffocates in closet.

9. Susan Lucci: Trips and breaks her neck while running up the stairs to
get an Emmy.

8. Jenny McCarthy: Struck by a random thought.

7. Frank Sinatra: Killed by strangers in the night.

6. RuPaul: Prostate Cancer.

5. O.J. Simpson: Killed by the "real killer" in an apparent suicide.

4. Madonna: Exposure.

3. Unabomber: Mail bomb returned due to "insufficient postage

2. Al Gore: Dutch Elm Disease.

"OK," said the man. "For my first wish I want to have 10 million dollars."

"Remember now,every lawyer has just received 20 million dollars."

"No problem!" "For my second wish I want a brand new car." "Remember now every lawyer in
the world has just recived 2 brand new cars."

When the man tells her it will be $300 she exclaims, "I don't have any money. But I would do anything to get a message to my mother in Poland.

"To that the man asks, Anything?" And the blonde says "Yes...anything!"

With that, the man says "Follow me."

He walks into the next room and tells her,
"Come in and close the door." She does! He then says, "Get on your knees." She does. He then says,"Take down my zipper." She does.He then says, "Go ahead... Take it out." With that, she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands. The man then says, "Well.Go ahead!" She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips she says, "Hello? Mom?"

One day, he spotted a priest walking along the road and stopped to give him a ride. A little further along, as he approached the town, he spotted a lawyer walking along the side of the road. Automatically, he veered his truck towards the lawyer,but..then he remembered his passenger. He swerved back to the center, but he heard a "whump" and in the rear view mirror he spotted the lawyer rolling across the field.

He turned to the priest and said, "Father, I'm sure that I missed that lawyer."

The Top Ten List "McDonald's Excuses for the Condom in a Big Mac":

#10.We were test-marketing the new "McTrojan"..

#9. Condom, condiment-what's the damn difference?

#8. It still tastes better than the "Arch Deluxe"..

#7. It was either there or in the vanilla shake..

#6. It Turns out the rumors about Grimace and Mayor McCheese are true..

#5. We're experimenting with a new, even happier "Happy Meal"..

#4. So what-a regular Big Mac is 60% latex anyway..

#3. Employees too embarrassed to say, "Would you like condoms with that?"

#2. Drive-thru speaker broken-"Coke with lots of ice" sounded like
"prophylactic device"..

And the #1 McDonald's Excuse for the Condom in a Big Mac:

So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?""Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the guy. "Four cents," he replies. "Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, Ian Price the Chief Medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept coming and coming and coming..

Why do Blondes have "TGIF" written on their shoes?
Toes Go In First.

Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland.
After being in the car for 4 hours they finally saw a sign that said "Disneyland left"so they turned around and went home.

What do smart Blondes and UFO's have in common?
You always hear about them but you never see them.

What did the Blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?
Oh look, daddy ... doughnut seeds.

Why did the Blonde stare at a can of frozen orange juice?
Because it said concentrate.

Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms?
They think their picture is being taken.

How can you tell when a Blonde sends you a fax?
It has a stamp on it.

Why can't Blondes dial 911?
They can't find the eleven on the phone!

What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you?
Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!

How can you tell if a Blonde has been using your computer?
There is whiteout all over the monitor.

Why shouldn't Blondes have coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them.

A brunette goes to the doctor and as she touches each part of her body with her finger she says, "Doctor it hurts everywhere.My leg hurts, my arm hurts, my neck hurts, and even my headhurts!"
The doctor asks, "Were you ever a Blonde?" "Yes, I was."she replies. "Why do you ask?"
The doctor answers, "because your finger is broken!"

A Blonde and a brunette were walking outside when the brunettesaid, "Oh, look at the dead bird."
The Blonde looked skyward andsaid "Where, where?

"How do you drown a Blonde? Put a scratch & sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool

Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
You have to hollow out the head.

How do you get a twinkle in a Blonde's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Why don't Blondes like making KOOL-AID?

Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet

.Did you hear about the two Blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

Jack lived and worked on a farm with the farmer, the farmers wife and their daughter Mabel.

One fine day as Jack was attending to his daily chores he saw Mabel bending over to milk the cow. He felt himself become aroused for the first time and shocked, ran to find the farmer to explain this strange phenomena. Upon finding the farmer he proceded to drop his trousers and whip out his stiff trouser snake much to the horror of the farmer."Farmer, farmer," Jack cried, "what is happening to my penis?"

"Now settle down and put that thing away." said the farmer."Don't worry about it. It happens to all men."

"But i don't like it!" cried Jack.

"Well then," said the farmer, "next time it happens just go into the milk shed, get some cow shit and rub it on your dick. It'll go down quick smart, trust me."

The next day Jack was passing by the house when he looked in and saw the farmers wife having a shower. Feeling his member getting hard he rushed into the cow shed, dropped his pants and picked up two handfulls of shit. Just then Mabel walked into the shed.

"What are you doing Jack?" asked Mabel.
"Well," Jack replied,"I'm gonna rub this shit on my dick to make it go down."

"That would be a waste." Mabel said as she laid down on the ground and lifted her skirt. "Why don't you stick it up here?"

Who is Jack Schitt? The Lineage Revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt".

Now, You can handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, The twins; Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and consequently, married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull Schitt the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.

Barbra Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of some American
Indians.

After the tour of the reservation, she asked why the difference in the number of feathers in a headress.

His reply was, "Me have only one squaw so me only have one feather." She asked another brave, feeling the first fellow was putting her on. This brave had four feathers. He replied. "Me have four feathers, because me sleep with four squaws." Still not
convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of mates involved, she decided to interview the chief. Now the chief had a headress, full of feathers. Needless to say, this intrigued Ms. Walters. She asked the chief, "Why do you have so many feathers in your headress?" The chief proudly pounded his chest and said, "Me chief, me fuck-em all."

Horrified. Ms. Walters said,"You aught to be hung!"The chief replied,"Damn right,me hung like buffalo."

Ms. Walters cried, "You don't have to be so damn hostile!"

The chief replied, "Hoss-style, dog-style, hog-style, wolfstyle, any-style. Me fuck-em all!"

With tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "Oh dear!" The chief said, "No deer... me fuck no deer, assholes too high and the fuckers run too fast. No fuck-em deer.