At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association for Forensic Science, AAFS President Don Harper Mills astounded his audience in San Diego with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story.

On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus andconcluded that he died from a shotgun wound of the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide (he left a note indicating his despondency). As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been erected at the eighth floor level to protect some window washers and that Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide anyway because of this.

Ordinarily, a person who sets out to commit suicide ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended. That Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below probably would not have changed his mode of death from suicide to homicide. But the fact that his suicidal intent would not have been successful caused the medical examiner to feel that he had homicide on his hands.

The room on the ninth floor whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife.

They were arguing and he was threatening her with the shotgun. He was so upset that, when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Opus.

When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with this charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant that neither knew that the shotgun was loaded.

The old man said it was his long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her; therefore, the killing of Opus appeared to be an accident.

That is,the gun had been accidentally loaded.The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatal incident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.

The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.There was an exquisite twist.

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever,but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey

"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are."--Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show.

August 22 "I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."--David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."--Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."--Former French President Charles De Gaulle .

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."--A congressional candidate in Texas

"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings?T he killers are to blame."--Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."--Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."--Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind."--General William Westmoreland

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."--Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line "a mind is a terrible thing to waste."

"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet."--Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin

Here are some good ones:

[San Jose Mercury News] An unidentfied man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there are several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.

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At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.

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One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarction. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart. "



I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left. Again a flawless, read, Now both I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was
laughing too hard to finish the exam.

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I was helping a patient into the bathroom when the patient exclaimed, "You're not coming in here with me. This is a one-seater!"
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During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of is medications. "Which one?", asked the doctor. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

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While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for
about twenty years - when my husband was alive."

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I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

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And of course, the best is saved for last:

The Surgeon's Note

   The bartender gives the man a drink and, unable to resist, says to the man, "I'm sorry, but I really have to ask. You are such a big guy and you have such a small head. What happened?"

   "Well," speaks the man, "I was walking along the beach one day when I saw this lamp half buried in the sand. I picked it up, rubbed it, and this beauitful genie appeared.

Signs have a way of attracting children, and soon a little boy appeared
at the store and asked, "How much are you gonna sell those puppies for?".

The store owner replied, "Anywhere from $30 to $50."

The little boy reached into his pocket and pulled out some change.
"I have $2.37, can I look at them?"

The store owner smiled and whistled.  Out of the back of the store came
his dog running down the aisle followed by five little puppies.
One puppy was lagging considerably behind.  Immediately the little boy
singled out the lagging, limping puppy.
"What's wrong with that little dog?" he asked.

The man explained that when the puppy was born the vet said it had a bad
hip socket and would limp for the rest of its life.

The little boy got really excited and said "That's the puppy I want to buy!"

The man replied "No, you don't want to buy that little dog.  If you
really want him, I'll give him to you."

The little boy got upset.  He looked straight into the man's eyes and
said "I don't want you to give him to me.  He is worth every bit as much
as the other dogs and I'll pay the full price.  In fact, I will give you
$2.37 now and 50 cents every month until I have him paid for."

The man countered, "You really don't want to buy this puppy son.  He is
never gonna be able to run, jump and play like other puppies."

The little boy reached down and rolled up his pant leg to reveal a badly
twisted, crippled left leg supported by a big metal brace.  He looked up
at the man and said, "Well, I don't run so well myself and the little
puppy will need someone who understands."

The man was now biting his bottom lip.  Tears welled up in his eyes...He
smiled and said, "Son, I hope and pray that each and every one of these
puppies will have an owner such as you."

He was very attracted to the nun, because she was surprisingly beautiful.After getting his courage up, he finally said to the nun "Will you have sex with me?"

The nun, disgusted, told the bus driver to stop the bus and she got off.

The man was very disappointed and he moved up to the front of the bus to wait for his stop. Seeing that the young hippie was upset, the bus driver decided to help him out. He said to the young man, "I know that nun. Every night, she goes to the grave yard at 9:00 to pray at the grave of her friend. If you go there and pretend that you are Jesus, there is no way she would turn down God's request. Justt tell her that you are Jesus and ask her to have sex with you."

This gave the hippie great hope. That night, he went to the graveyard, and sure enough, there wast the nun. As she kneeled down, he decided to make his move.

He walked over to her, dressed in a white robe with a hood and said to the nun "I am Jesus Christ, will you have sex with me?" Now, of course the nun could not deny the power of God, so she agreed. "I just have one request," said the nun, "it has to be anal sex, so I can remain a virgin and continue in my sisterhood." The disguised hippie agreed and the two had sex

When they were done, the man thought that it would be funny to reveal his identity to the nun. He took off his robe, revealing a tye dyed shirt, ripped jeans, and hemp necklaces. "HA HA!! I'mnot Jesus, I'm the hippie!" He exclaimed.

After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help.The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant.

The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.

The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs himself. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, has sex with each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around.

One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day with them and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud.

"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them's honking the horn." 

He insisted he could open the door with a wire coat hanger, so we went back to the restaurant to get one. There were none to be found.John then ran to a department store a quarter-mile away, and returned with a hanger. After a few attempts, he got the door open and we climbed in.

Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.

"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word," She tells him,"

Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend throws her on the table and drills her in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down,but no one says a word.

A few minutes later he grabs her mom throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother a little happier. But still thereis complete silence at the table.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's ather backs away from the table and screams,

The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window.

He immediately tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions ordermatological abnormalities."

"That is correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts."Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.

"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

When they arrived home from the hospital, the new parents invited Little Johnny's family over to see the new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby.

So, Little Johnny's dad had along talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors. He said, "Now son, that poor baby was born without any ears. I wantyou to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank your butt when we get back home."

"I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny.

At the neighbors home Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at it's mother and said, "Oh what a beautiful little baby!"

The mother, who had braced herself for Johnny's comment, was pleasantly surprised and said, "Thank you very much Little Johnny."

He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands, and perfect little feet. Why just look at his pretty little eyes...Did the doctor say he can see good?"

The mother said a bit bewildered,"Why yes...the doctor said he has 20/20 vision, why do you ask?"

Answers appear after the questions... NO CHEATING!!!

1. The maker doesn't want it; the buyer doesn't use it; and the user doesn't see it. What is it?

2. A child is born in Boston, Massachusetts to parents who were both born in Boston, Massachusetts. The child is not a United States citizen. How is this possible?

3. Before Mount Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain on Earth?

4. Clara Clatter was born on December 27th, yet her birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

5. Captain Frank and some of the boys were exchanging old war stories. Art Bragg offered one about how his grandfather led a battalion against a German division during World War I. Through brilliant maneuvers, he defeated them and captured valuablet erritory. After the battle he was presented with a sword bearing the inscription "To Captain Bragg for Bravery, Daring and Leadership. World War I. From the Men of Battalion 8."Captain Frank looked at Art and said, "You really don't expect any one to believe that yarn, do you?" What's wrong with the story?

6. What is one thing that all wise men, regardless of their religion or politics, agree is between heaven and earth?

7. In what year did Christmas and New Year's fall in the sameyear?

8. A woman from New York married ten different men from that city, yet she did not break any laws. None of these men died,and she never divorced. How was this possible?

9. Why are 1990 American dollar bills worth more than 1989 American dollar bills?

10. How many times can you subtract the number 5 from 25?

11. How could you rearrange the letters in the words "new door"to make one word? Note: There is only one correct answer.

12. Even if they are starving, natives living in the Arctic will never eat a penguin's egg. Why not?

13. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or"The yolk of the egg is white"?

4. In Okmulgee, Oklahoma, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

15. There were an electrician and a plumber waiting in line for admission to the International Home Show," One of them was the father of the other's son. How could this be possible?

16. After the new Canon Law that took effect on November 27,1983, would a Roman Catholic man be allowed to marry his widow'ssister?

17. How many outs are there in an inning?

18. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the Ark?

19. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5' 10" tall. What does he weigh?

20. A farmer has 17 sheep and all but 9 die. How many are left?

ANSWERS

1. A coffin.

2. The child was born before 1776.

3. Mount Everest (it just hadn't been discovered).

4. Clara lives in the southern hemisphere.

5. World War I wasn't called "World War I" until World War II.

6. The word "and".

7. They fall in the same year every year. New Year's Day just arrives very early in the year and Christmas arrives very late in the same year.

8. The lady was a Justice of the Peace.

9. One thousand nine hundred and ninety dollar bills are worth one dollar more than one thousand nine hundred and eighty-nine dollar bills.

10. Only once, and then you are subtracting it from 20.

11. "one word"

12. Penguins live in the Antarctic.

13. Neither. The yolk of the egg is yellow.

14. You have to take a picture of a man with a camera, not with a wooden leg.

15. They were husband and wife.

16. No. A dead man can marry no one.

17. Six . Three in each half of the inning.

18. Moses took no animals. It was Noah on the Ark.

19. Meat.

Schwartznegger has a big one.

Michael J. Fox has a small one.

Madonna doesn't have one

The POPE has one but doesn't use it.

Clinton uses his all the time

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.

George Burns' was hot.

Liberace NEVER used his on women

Jerry Seinfeld is very very proud of his.

We never saw Lucy use Desi's.