The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback.

However, she remembers what her boss told her...don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the king from wanting to marry her. After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions.

First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara."

The African king pauses for a while. Then, he nods his head and says, "No problem! I have these item in my treasures.

"Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France."

The African king pauses for a while. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build."

When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.

Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece o fchalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Well,the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnnie.

A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.

The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.

"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor.
"Sure, after the police leave," replied the attorney.

* * *

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor.

The doctor said, "We have three possible donors; tell me which one you want to use. One is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died in his private plane. The third is an attorney who just died after practicing law for 30 years."

"I'll take the lawyer's heart," said the patient.

After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did.

"It was easy," the patient replied. "I wanted a heart that hadn't been used."

* * *

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
* * *

Three surgeons were discussing their favorite type of patients. The first said: "I like artists. When you cut them open, they are awash with color inside." The second doctor said: "I much prefer engineers. When you cut them open, everything is orderly and numbered."

"Nonsense," said the third doctor. "The easiest are attorneys. They have only two parts, their ass and their mouth and those are interchangeable."

* * *

As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?"

"There's a big fire across the street," the doctor replied. "We didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

You make over $250,000 a year and still can't afford a house.

It's sprinkling outside, so you leave for work and hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

Your child's third grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.

You can't remember ... is pot legal?

You've been to a baby shower for an infant who has two mothers and a sperm donor.

You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and can taste the difference between Sumatran and  Ethiopian.

You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.

You can't remember ... is pot legal?

A really great parking space can move you to tears.

The guy in line at Starbucks, wearing the baseball cap, sunglasses, and looks like George Clooney, IS George Clooney.

Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.

It's sprinkling out, and there's a report on every news channel about "THE STORM!"

Hey ... is pot legal?

Over 85% of the cities, towns, and streets start with San, Los, El, La, Santa, De La, or De Los.

Two overcast days in a row drive you mad.

A family of four owns six vehicles.

Everyone who lives here knows that hurricanes, tornadoes, floods and snowstorms are way worse than earthquakes, which are, after all, over almost assoon as you realize what's happening.

Even if the store is across the street, you drive there.

Yeah, you're sure...? pot is legal.

And finally, a question:
Q. How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None. Californians cannot afford to turn on the lights.

The dentist inspects the man's teeth and says, "The plate I installed
into your mouth six months ago has started to erode."

Then the dentist asks, "Have you made any drastic changes in your diet
recently?"

The man, a bit rattled, stutters,

"Well, my wife started cooking a lot more asparagus recently. I didn't
quite like it until she started putting hollandaise sauce on it."

Then the man continues, "Now I put that sauce on everything: sandwiches,
meat-loaf, nachos. you name it."

"Hmmm", said the dentist. "Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice
which is highly acidic. The citric acid is dissolving your plate. I need to
replace the plate and this time I will make it with chrome."

1. Sag, You're it

2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Doc Goose.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Hide and go pee.

9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta

As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was big...verybig...an intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was: These two are going to rob me. Her next thought was: Don'tbe a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen. But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her.

She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered, ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind, but knew they surely did; her hesitation about joining them on the elevator was all too obvious.Her face was flushed. She couldn' t just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on the elevator. Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. "MyGod", she thought, "I'm trapped and about to be robbed!" Herheart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.

Then...one of the men said, "Hit the floor." Instinct told her o what they tell you. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator carpet. A shower of coins rained down on her. "Take my money and spare me", she prayed.

More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely,"Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button." The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. She lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet.

"When I told my man here to hit the floor," said the average sized one, "I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am." He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing.

She thought: "My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself." She was too humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology,but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to rob you? She didn't know what to say. The 3 of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening.

As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter while they walked back to the elevator. The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband.

The next morning flowers were delivered to her room--a dozen roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill. The card said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years."

17 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK...

1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It leads to more honest communications.
3. It reduces complaints about low pay.
4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear.
5. It encourages car-pooling.
6. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
8. It makes fellow employees look better.
9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
13. It makes everyone more open with his or her ideas.
14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
15. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
16. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
17. Sitting "Bare ass" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as gross.

So he went to Merlin the Magician for advice. After explaning his problem to Merlin, the Wizard thought about the problem for a while and then told the king to come back in a week and he would have a solution to the problem.

The next week the King returned to Merlin returned to see the new invention.

A Chastity Belt... except that it had a rather large hole in the most obivious place. "This is no good," said the King "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect the queen???" "Ah sire, just observe," Said Merlin as he pulled out an old wand that he was going to throw away. Merlin then inserted the wand into the hole in the chastity belt where upon aguillotine blade came down and cut the wand neatly in two halves. "Merlin you are a genius, now I can leave knowing that my Queen is fully protected." Said the King.

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out on his quest.Several years later the King returned to Camelot. Immediately,the king assembled all the knights of the Round Table into thecourt yard and had them drop their trousers for inspection. Sure enough every knight was either amputated or damaged in some way,all except for Sir Galahad. "Sir Galahad, you are the one and only true knight what is in my power to grant you??? Name it and it is yours." Said the King.

One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a TRAGEDY."

"No," Clinton says, "Thatwould be an ACCIDENT."

A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved... that would be aTRAGEDY."

I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS." The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer.

"What?" asks Clinton. "Isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a TRAGEDY?"

Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he speaks: "If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton were blown up by a bomb, that would be a TRAGEDY."

"Wonderful!"Clinton beams. "Marvelous! Can you tell me WHY that would be a TRAGEDY?"

While there, he finds a magic lamp and rubs it. A genie comes about and says, "I'll give you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get the same thing that you wish for."The man thinks, and says, "I wish for five million dollars."

The genie says "You know your ex-wife will get the same thing, right?"

The man nods his head, and gets his money.

For his second wish, he wishes for a new computer. Instantly, he and his ex-wife have a new computer.

The genie asks, "What is your final wish?"

The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything.

The personal manager hums and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the "Tickle Me Elmo" line and nothing else.

The woman happily excepts.

He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should be in for 8:00 AM the next day.

The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the personal manager's door. The "Tickle Me Elmo" line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman he just hired. After screaming for 15minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is the personal manager suggested he show him the problem.

Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired, she has pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo's legs.

The barman comes over, regarding the trio with some curiosity, and says, "What'll it be?" The man says, "I'll have a pint", and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have a pint as well." says the ostrich. Bloke looks at the cat, and says, "I suppose you want a drink, too." The cat replies, " I'll have a half, but I ain't payin'! "

So the barman pulls two and a half pints, and says, " That'll be three pounds forty, please."

"The man reaches into his pocket, feels around, and, to the barman's surprise, pulls out exactly the three-forty in change.

A while later, the same thing happens, and the man pulls the exact amount out of the same pocket.

The next day, the man, the ostrich, and the cat return to the same bar. " I'll have a pint," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich. The cat orders up a half and says, "But I ain't payin'!" Repeat of yesterday. The bloke pays each time with the exact amount from his pocket.This becomes almost a regular routine until, late one evening, the trio enter again. "The same?" asks the barman. "Well," says the man, "it's close to last orders. I'll have a large scotch."He turns to the ostrich enquiringly. The bird says, "I'll have a large scotch as well." The cat says, "I'll have a small scotch...but I ain't payin'!"

The barman rings up the drinks and turns, with a sly grin, " That'll be seven pounds twenty,please." To his amazement, the man pulls the exact seven and twenty out of his pocket. As the trio are finishing their drinks, the barman can't contain his curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir, but before you leave there's something I must know...how do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket...every time?"

"Well", says the man, "it's a long story. But basically, several years ago I took care of an old lady well into her nineties, and when she died, she left me her old house. Nothing special, but as I was cleaning out the attic, I found an old lamp, and when I rubbed it, this genie appeared and offered me two wishes."

"That's fantastic," says the barkeep, "What did you wish for?" "If I ever need to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right money will always be there." "That's brilliant," says the barman, "most people would wish for a million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live."

"That's right, whether its a quart of milk or even a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there. The best thing I ever did!" As he turns to go, the barman calls him back and says, "One last thing, sir... err, your friends there... we don't get many cats or ostriches drinkin' in here...?"

She read. "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may Ihave some of that straw to build my house?"

The teacher paused, then asked the class, "And what do you think the man said?"

The prize was a trip to Bali for a week. The DJ, Neil, had many callers; the following two standing out: DJ:  96FM, what's your name Caller:  Hi, me name's Dave, DJ: Dave, what is your word Caller:  Goan.....spelt G-O-A-N, pronounced 'go-an' DJ:  We are just checking that (pause) and you are correct,Dave, 'goan' is certainly a word not found in the English Dictionary.  Now the next question, for a trip for two to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make logical sense?

Caller:  "Goan fuck yourself" At this point, the DJ cut the caller short and announced that there is no place for that sort of language on a family show. After many more unsuccessful calls, the DJ took the following caller J:  96FM, what's your name Caller:  Hi, me name's Jeff, DJ:  Jeff, what is your word. Caller:  Smee.....spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee', DJ:  We are checking that (pause) and you are correct, Jeff.' Smee' is certainly a word not found in the English Dictionary.Now the next question, for a trip for two to Bali, is:  What sentence can you use that word in that would make logical sense?

Caller:  "Smee again! Goan fuck yourself!"