10. You've got a hole in your head.

9.  Your master strangles you all the time.

8.  Your head is disproportionate to the rest of your body.

7.  You shrink in cold water.

6.  You never get a haircut.

5.  You always hang around with 2 nuts.

4.  Your closest neighbor is an asshole.

3.  Your best friend is a pussy.

2.  Your scalp gets cut off if you're Jewish.

And the number one reason why it sucks to be a dick:

However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the worst death?

So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died.

First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place I looked was out on the balcony.I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer,and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the asshole. He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself." St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story.

Then,telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside. Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily,I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, bu he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me."

St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.

They're getting a little impatient, but the airport
staff has assured them that the pilots will be there soon,
and the flight can leave immediately after that.

The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots'
uniforms, both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and
the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit,
the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing
nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little
practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down
the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight
for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as
though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water,
panicked screams fill the cabin, but at that moment, the plane lifts
smoothly into the air.

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to light or dark material.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror ... make a mental note -- must do more sit-ups.

4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean

7. Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red.

9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.

10. Rinse conditioner off hair (you must make sure that it has all come off).

11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.

12. Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.

13. Turn off shower.

14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.

16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit, tweeze hairs.

17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then sashay to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo-woo" sound.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror and scratch your butt.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).

6. Wash your face.

7. Wash your armpits.

8. Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water rinse it off.

9. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.

10. Majority of time is spent washing your privates and surrounding area.

11. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs on the soap bar.

12. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).

13. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

14. Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again.

15. Pee (in the shower)

16. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.

17. Partially dry off.

18. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again.

19. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.

20. Leave bathroom fan and light on.

21. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, shake wiener at her, and make the "woo-woo" sound again.

22. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask theperson taking the order to stop doing that.

2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

3. Use CB lingo where applicable

4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal

5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is o the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.

7. Give them your address & exclaim, "oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.

8. Answer their questions w/ questions.

9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition,and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.

10. Use these bonus words in the coversation: Robust Free-SpiritedCost-Efficient Ukranian Puce.

11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's"Master of Puppets" CD.

13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

14. Put an extra edge into your voice when you say "crazy bread".

15. Stutter on the letter "P".

16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's,ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)

17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.

18. Crack your knuckles into the reciever.

19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.

21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

20-22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.

23. Change your accent every 3 seconds.

24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern asfollows froman equasion you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say,"Bed-Wetters'Camp, right?"

26. Start your order with "I'd like 85.". A little later, slap yourselfand say, "No I don't".

27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say, "OK.That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window".

28. Rent a pizza.

29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.

30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

31. Put the accent of the last syllable of "pepperoni" use the long "I"sound32. Have your pizza,"shaken, not stirred".

33. Say, "Are you sure this is (Pizza place)?? When they say yes, say"Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (pizza place), start to cry, and say, "do you know what it's like to be lied to?"

34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak.When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbyeat the top of your lungs.

35. Tell them to double-check to make sure that your pizza is, in fact,dead.

36. Imitate the order taker's voice.

37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.

38. When they say, "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."

39. Play a guitar in the backround

40. Say it's your anniversary, and you'd appreciate it if the delivererhid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you cansurprise them.

41. Amuse the order taker with little known facts about country music.

42. Ask to see a menu.

43. Quote Carl Sandberg.

44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back

45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.

46. Ask what topping goes best with well aged Chardonnay.

47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.

48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza, and have it be delivered

49. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best,Gaston!"

50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say, "Wherewas I? Who are you?"

51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.

52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again

.53. Order 2 toppings, the say, "No, they'll start fighting."

54. Lear to properly pronouce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that thesebe included in the pizza.

55Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk anddidn't mean it.

56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he'sfired.

57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.

58. Use expletives like "Great Ceaser's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town"

59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time

60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly decalare, "I shall not beswayed by your sweet words"

61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.

62. Try to talk while drinking something

63. Start the call with "My call to (pizza place), Take 1, and. Action!"

64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

65. Ask about pizza maintience and repair.

66. Be vague in your order.

67. When they repeat your order, say, "Again, with a little more OOMPHthis time."

68. If using a touch tone, press 911 every 5 seconds throughout the order

69. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button does?" Simulate acutoff.

70. Start the coversation by reciting today's date and saying, "this maybe my last entry"

71. State your order and say that's as far as the relationship is going toget.

72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza" Make up adescription to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.

73. Say, "Ksssssssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone.Ask if theyfelt that.

74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.

He's got spiked,multicolored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who ust glares at him for the next ten miles. Finally, the punk gets self conscious and barks at the old man:"What are you looking at you old fart? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"

He told Bill and Bob were they could get great sex for only $20.

Bill and Bob were both getting pretty horny, so they decided to go. The lady that worked there saw Bill and Bob coming. She decided to put two inflatible naked women into 2two of the rooms. She gave Bill and Bob those two rooms. Bill came out after one hour, then Bob came out.

The next day at the bench, they started talking. Bill said, "So, how was it in your room? Bob?"

"It was okay,"she didn't really do anything. I kissed her, she didn't kiss me back. I hugged her, she didn't hug me back. I stuck my dick up her pussy and she didn't do anything."

Anyway, one day Lorane falls into a river and dies.  The man is so happy he began to sing:

Your in a room, and the only way out is through the one door, and blocking the door is a Camel, a Jaguar, and a Bear, and you must get rid of all of them but only have one bullet in your gun, and can not tuse your hands.

How will you go about killing them?

Answer:
*
*
*
* You kill the bear with the gun.
*
*
*
*Smoke the camel.
*
*
*
*Drive out the door in the Jaguar .

A few miles down the road the blond in the car says, "it's blonds like her, that give blonds like me a bad name."

So she turn's around, and stops, at the blond in the boat.

She gets out and yells, "It's blonds, like you that give blonds like me a bad name."

The blond in the row boat says, "Well why don't you come out and do something about it?"

The blond in the car says, "I would but I don't know how to swim."   

As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and his elbow pokes her in the breast.

They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.

Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. "Guaranteed like heck," he thinks to himself. "But lets see what they think they can do." He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight loss program.

The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through he kisses the girl one last time and thinks to himself with a nod, "I like the way this company does business." For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. On the fourth day, he weigh himself and, sure enough,he has lost 10 pounds.Deciding that he likes his somewhat more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight loss program. Het hinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot,but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might be liket his time.

As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, youcan have me." He's out the door like a shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. But when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is wonderful, the best he has ever had. He is really looking forward to the next our days... For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight.

On thesixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds I love this company, he thinks to himself, "I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun." Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to thecompany's 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program.

"Are you sure,sir?" Asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most vigorous program."

"Absolutely," says he, "I love your program.Haven't felt this good in years!"

The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it.
There stands before him a 200 pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative of the weight loss company. Around his neck is a sign that reads:

"If I can catch you, I can have my way     with you."

"My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

("Narrator's voice "There Richard sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make itin time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message."

"Hi. Now you say something."

"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

""Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"
(From my Japanese friend in Toronto) "He-lo! This is Sa-to. Ifyou leave message, I call you soon. If you leave sexy message, I call sooner!"

"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

""Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls.Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message,just hold it up to the phone."

"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub,and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."

This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."

"Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

"Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back." "If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."

(Direct approach "Who are you and what do you want?""You are growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your will power and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.""You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of your voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone.Thank you."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants", she said.

"That's right!", said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!"

With that, she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on. He tried them on, and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!"

The first prostitue jumps out and it takes 5 years to mop up all the blood and guts.

The second prostitute jumped out and took 10 years to mop up theb lood and guts.