Seeing no crime, Superman makes the suggestion that the two fly down to the beach to see what is going on. His friend, being bored, happily agrees.As the two fly along the beach, they spot Wonder Woman, "spreadeagle" on the beach. Superman's friend is simply amazed by what he is seeing.

Superman, seeing his friend's astonishment and looking to impress him even further, proclaims, "I'll bet you $10 that I can fly down there, screw her and fly back before she even realizes that I'm doing it."

His friend, eyes still fixed on the naked beauty, looks at Superman and just starts laughing."I'd like to see that...you're on.

"So Superman flies down, bam-bam-bam, flies back and says, "See,I told you I could." His friend, obviously impressed, forks over the $10.

Just then, Wonder Woman says, "What the hell was that?" And the invisible man replies back, "I don't know, but my ass sure does hurt."

The Irishman looked down the bar and asked,  "Is that Jesus down there?"

The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too. The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slow.  He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked, “Is that Jesus sitting at the end of the bar?”

The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too. The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one!”  “Hey, is that God's Boy down there?"

The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too. As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said,  "For your kindness, you are healed!"  

The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up  and   danced a jig out the door. Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness,  you are healed!"

Suddenly the woman reaches over and slices the man's penis off. Angrily the woman tosses it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple is a man and his 12 year old daughter.

The little girl is just chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacks the pickup on the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off.

Surprised. the daughter asks her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?"

Not wanting to expose his twelve year old daughter to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey.

You know that you are in Texas when:

The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance

.Hot water now comes out of both taps.

You can make instant sun tea.

You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a bit chilly.

You discover that in July it takes only two fingers to drive your car.

You discover that you can get sunburn through your car window.

You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 am before work.

No one would dream of not having air conditioning.

Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is: 'What if I get knocked outand end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?

'You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

The potatoes cook underground and all you have to do to havel unch is to pull one out and add butter, salt, and pepper.

Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hardboiled eggs.

Cows are giving evaporated milk.

The trees are whistlin' for the dogs.

They all pull out their golf balls for inspection. The third guy pulls out a pink golfball. Needless to say the other two guys laugh at him and callhim names.

"Laugh all you want," he says, "but you can never lose this golfball."

"How?" reply the other two. "Well, if you hit the ball into the woods it is easy to find because it is pink."

"I've beento lots of courses where you would not find that ball." says the first guy. "Well, it also starts beeping when it is lost." the third guy replies.

"That is useless if you hit it into the water" sneers the second guy. "If you hit the ball into the water, the ball has an flotation device built into it and it floats to the surface." the third guy replies.

"That is all well and good but how do you get the ball if it is just floating there? You don't know how far out it will be" the first guy says.

"It also has a solar panel in the side of the ball. It uses solar power to get itself to the nearest shore."

"That's bloody amazing!I guess you were right, you really can't lose it," says the second guy, "but where did you get such a great ball from? I would like to buy one.

"The guy replies, "I found it."

They didn't want to go alone so they invited their neighbors.
When the two couples arrived at the lake they carefully put the boat in the water.When they started to go they noticed the boat wouldn't move and it was making a loud roaring noise. No matter how much he pushed up on the throttle the boat still would not move. After about an hour of trying to figure out what was wrong the two couples idled over to a near by lake marina where they were for sure going to get help. They told them what was happening and asked if they could help. The boat mechanic checked the trim, that prop and all the instruments and nothing was wrong with them, so he decided to jump in the water and look under the boat. Within two seconds of him being under water he came up choking on water because he was laughing so hard. They asked him what was wrong and he said," your boat's still on the trailer."

These highly classified positions are hard to fill,and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.

After sending some applicants through the background checks,training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would getthe extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun."We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!"

"Well," says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him agun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man."Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."The second man looked a bit shocked, but none the less took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes,then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears inhis eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job.""No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.

He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on,but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped."Except what?" the man asked."Nothing, nothing.""C'mon, tell me! I need something!""Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the' voodoo dick.'""So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an oldwooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and therelay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

I'll take it!" said the businessman.The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finallysurrendered to $700 in cash.

2. IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs

3. IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladderyesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.

4. IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break, staff should emptythe teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

5. ON A CHURCH DOOR: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft.Please use side entrance)

6. OUTSIDE A SECOND-HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles,washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.

7. QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.

8. NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.

9. IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness.

10. SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car

11. SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.

12. NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.

13. MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.

14. ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)

15. SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.

Two engineering students were walking across campus
when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking
along yesterday minding my own business when a
beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the
bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,
"Take what you want."  The first engineer nodded
approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably
wouldn't have fit."*******

Comprehending Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the
pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer,
the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.********

Comprehending Engineers -Take Three

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for
fixing all things mechanical. After serving his
company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
Several years later the company contacted him
regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were
having with one of their multimillion dollar machines.
They had tried everything and everyone else to get the
machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they
called on the retired engineer who had solved so many
of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent
a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the
day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular
component of the machine and stated, "This is where
your problem is." The part was replaced and the
machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for ¤50,000 from the
engineer for his service.  They demanded an itemized
accounting of his charges. The engineer responded
briefly: One chalk mark ¤1; Knowing where to put it
¤49,999. It was paid in full and the engineer retired
again in peace.**********

Comprehending Engineers -Take Four

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers
and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons; Civil Engineers
build targets.*************

Comprehending Engineers -Take Five

Three engineering students were gathered together
discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer.  Just look at
all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer.  The
nervous system has many thousands of electrical
connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who
else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a
recreational area?"**************

Comprehending Engineers -Take Six

Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke,
don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't
have enough features yet.***************

Comprehending Engineers -Take Seven

An architect, an artist and an engineer were
discussing whether it was better to spend time with
the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife,
building a solid foundation for an enduring
relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress,
because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress,
they will each assume you are spending time with the
other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some
work done."***************

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?

"2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with abodily function noise

4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.

"5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shoot! My glass eye!"

6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly

.8. Say, "Now how did that get there?

"9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"

11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say,"Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?

13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!

14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"

15. Say, "Darn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

16. Play a well known drum cadence over and oven again on your butt cheeks

17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your"Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free." 

 |  IP: Logged

"Well, what does that mean, Johnny?" asked the teacher.

Johnny answers, "It means, 'To The Teacher 1 Apple,'" and with that, he gave the teacher an apple.

"Very good," says the teacher, "Thank You."

The next morning, the teacher walks in the classroom, and notices, once again, something written on the board. This time the chalkboard reads: "T T T 1O."

She asked the children, "Who wrote this?"

Then little Bobby answers, "I did, teacher.

"The teacher says, "Well, Bobby, what does that mean?

"Bobby says, "It means, 'To The Teacher 1 Orange,'" and he gives the teacher an orange.

"Very good, Bobby, thank you."

The next morning, she walks in the classroom, and she noticed onthe board. "F U C K 1 T."

Disappointed, the teacher exclaimed, "WHO WROTE THIS!!"

Then little Juanito raises his hand and says, "I did, teacher."

Angrily, the teacher asks, "Well, what does this mean, Juanito?"

"The Bartender hands him a beer, the guy skulls it and says again, "Give me a beer before the trouble starts.

"The bartender hands him another beer and the again the guy skulls it and says again,
"Give me a beer before the troublestarts.
"The bartender hands him another beer and the guy skulls it again.

One day she finds a lamp. She rubs it and a genie appears.

The genie told her, "I will make 3 of your wishes come true...BUT, the wish you ask for will be done 10 times more to your husband.