Bubba & Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.

The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.

About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti!

How about you, how's that toilet brush?"

"I haven't got the fingers,'' yelped Jon.

''What do you mean you haven't got the fingers?" replied the doctor, " It's the year 2001. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?''

''But, but...I couldn't pick 'em up.''

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer were sent for.

Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Daryl said, ''Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over.'' The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, ''Nope, ain't Bubba.'' The mortician thought that was rather strange.

Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body.

Gomer took a look at him and said, ''Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over.'' The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, ''No, it ain't Bubba.''

The mortician asked, ''How can you tell?''

Gomer said, ''Well, Bubba had two assholes.''

''What? He had two assholes?'' said the mortician.

The man was slightly deaf and said, ''What?''

Again, the doctor said, ''I need a blood, urine and feces sample.

One guy threw in his hand and the other three laughed their heads off.

**************************

40 Things a Southerner Would Never Say

40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.

39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

38. Duct tape won't fix that.

37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.

36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.

35. We don't keep firearms in this house.

34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?

33. You can't feed that to the dog.

32. I thought Graceland was tacky.

31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

30. Wrasslin's fake.

29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

28. We're vegetarians.

27. Do you think my gut is too big?

26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

25. Honey, we don't need another dog.

24. Who's Richard Petty?

23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.

20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.

19. Trim the fat off that steak.

18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

17. The tires on that truck are too big.

16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.

15. I've got it all on the C drive.

14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?

12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

09. Checkmate.

08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.

07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

05. I don't have a favorite college team.

04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.

03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.

02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.

********************

OK, Teckers, I need for a few good people to keep this thread going for the next few days. I am heading into the hospital for a little surgery this afternoon and when I get back home the doctor's have told me I need to laugh. So go ahead and add a few pages. Bob I love the new icons .......and to my enemies I say

 |  IP: Logged

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I see the problem.   Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I
taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots  will teach your parrots  to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female  parrots will learn to "praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded. The next day the woman brings her female
parrots to the priest's house.

His two male parrots are holding rosary beadsand praying in theircage.The lady  puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots  Immediately, the female  parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the othe male parrot and exclaims, "Put
the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

*****************************************

A new monk arrived at the monastery.

He was assigned to help the other monks in  copying the old texts by hand. He noticed, however, that they were copying copies, not the original books.

The new monk went to the head monk to ask him about this. He  pointed out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.

The head monk said, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries,
but you make  a good point, my son." The head monk went down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.

Hours later, nobody had seen him, so one of the monks went downstairs to
look for him.  He heard a sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and found the old monk leaning  over one of the original books, crying. He asked what was wrong.

The Rabbi, pleased to show the auditor that
nothing went to waste, responded that the used wax is collected and sent to a candle factory and they send the Temple new candles.

What about the crumbs from the matzah you eat
at Passover? Asked the IRS auditor. Simple, the Rabbi responded. We collect all the crumbs, send them to the matzah bakery and they send us matzah meal.

He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the
ability to stand up and pee. "It's a very handy thing," God told the
couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering
if either one of you wanted that ability."

Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love
to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh
please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. I'd be so great!
When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it
rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please God let it be
me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please........." On
and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee).

Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if
Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing
that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one
given the ability to stand up and pee.

And so it was. And it was...well, good.

One day, he ran into a man dressed in a fine suit. "That is a nice suit,
my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"

The man replied, "I was given hundreds of these when I got here. I also got a mansion with a 500 acre estate and a golf
course." "Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates. "No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the
captain of the Titanic." Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter.

Cornering Peter, he asked, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering a mansion, and fine suits
on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system that changed the world! Why does he deserve better?"

He motioned for her to pull over.

When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded the blonde, "stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!".

He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!" He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad so he gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now she's laughing.

The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.

"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde.

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.

The corners of my jaw ached in anticipation. I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side. "Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. I had no napkin. I licked it off. It was not mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.

1) Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine.If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

2) Rufus pimps 3 hos.If the price is $85 per trick,how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus' $800 per day crack habit?

3) Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounces will he need?

4) Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes, and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900?

5) Raoul got 6 years for murder, He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 per month, how much money will be
left when he gets out?

**Extra credit question: How much more time will he get for killing the ho that spent his money??

6) If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet , how many letters can be sprayed
with 3 eight ounce cans of spray paint?

7) Hector knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Hector knocked up?

8) Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has a boa constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. if Bernie makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can he feed the boa with one weeks salary?

9) Billy steals Joe's skateboard. As Billy skates away at 35 mph, Joe loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his Magnum, how far away will Billy be when he gets whacked?

After a couple of weeks, Joe started getting horney. He deceided to mount the pig. So he walks over and mounts the pig, the dog started to bite his legs, so he stopped.

A couple of weeks later, Joe started to get horney again. He deceided to try the pig, one more time. As he did the dog started to bite his leg's. He stopped and went for a walk.

As he rounded the bend he ran into a beautiful Island girl. She had an incredible body. Joe ran over to her and said, "Could you do me a favor?"

"Yes", said the beautiful girl.