The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him aside and tried to get him to settle out of court.

The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name of Artie.

Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid SOMETHING up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local supermarket grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department, and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene.

Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.

Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan,including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared,

A woman was waiting at an airport one night,With several long hours before her flight.

She hunted for a book
in the airport shops.
Bought a bag of cookies,
and found a place to drop.

She was engrossed in her book,
but happened to see,
that the man sitting beside her,
as bold as could be.

Grabbed a cookie or two
from the bag in between,
which she tried to ignore
to avoid a scene.

So she munched the cookies
and watched the clock,
As the gutsy cookie thief
diminished her stock.

She was getting more irritated
as the minutes ticked by,
Thinking, "If I wasn't so nice,
I would blacken his eye.

"With each cookie she took,
he took one too,
When only one was left,
she wondered what he would do.

With a smile on his face,
and a nervous laugh,
He took the last cookie
and broke it in half.

He offered her half,
as he ate the other,
She snatched it from him
and thought...oooh, brother.

This guy has some nerve
and he's also rude,
Why he didn't even show
any gratitude!

She had never known
when she had been so galled,
And sighed with relief
when her flight was called.

She gathered her belongings
and headed to the gate,
Refusing to look back
at that thieving ingrate.

She boarded the plane,
and sank in her seat,
Then sought her book,
which was almost complete.

As she reached in her baggage,
she gasped with surprise,
There was her bag of cookies,
in front of her eyes.

If mine are here,
she moaned with despair,
The others were his,
and he tried to share.

Too late to apologize,
she realized with grief,
That she was the rude one,
the ingrate, the thief.   

If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she was holding in her lap while driving, she blames the restaurant.

If your teen-age son kills himself, you blame the rock 'n' roll music or musician he liked.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.

If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for poor sex education.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender.

If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up with heroin was dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean ones.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilots at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the parking lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs from under the chassis. Altough the man was in shorts his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

"This is exciting," thought the gentleman. I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight.

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle.

This is fantastic, thought the gentleman. I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance.

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said,"Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'u-n-t'?"

Only one word leapt to mind...my goodness, thought the gentleman, I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another. The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'."

"Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"

The chief approaches them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die.

"The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison."

The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.

The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please."

The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the een!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork."

The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork.

The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over-the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible.

The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing???"

The New Yorker looks at the chief and laughs, "So much for your canoe!"

He figures he'll have a little fun.

Ventriloquist: Hey, good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to him?
New Zealander: The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.

Ventriloquist: Hey dog, how's it going old mate?
Dog: Doin' alright.The New Zealander is shocked!

Ventriloquist: Is this Kiwi your owner? (Pointing at the NewZealander?
Dog: Yep.

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food,and takes me to the lake once a week to play.

The New Zealander can't believe his ears!
Ventriloquist: Mind if I talk to your horse?

New Zealander: Horse doesn't talk either.

Ventriloquist: Hey horse, how's it going?
Horse: No worries.The New Zealander's mouth is agape.

Ventriloquist: Is this your owner? (Pointing at the NewZealander?)
Horse: Yep.

Ventriloquist: How's he treat you?
Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to
protect me from the elements.

The New Zealander is TOTALLY amazed!

He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and good Christian values. One thing he particularly stresses is the evil of sexual sin.

"Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!

"One day the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white baby.

The village is shocked and the Chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary.

"You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man who has ever set foot in our village. Anyone can see what's going on here!"

The missionary replies, "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep,and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion.

The big alien walked up to gas pump and said "take me to your leader".

The gas pump said nothing.

The big alien pulled out his laser gun and repeated"take me to your leader".

The little alien then began screaming at his friend "please leave him alone, don't mess with him".

The gas pump still said nothing.

The big alien, now really pissed off stated,"Take me to your leader or I will shoot".

The gas pump still didn't say anything and the big alien shot the gas pump with his laser gun.

The gas pump blew up and the aliens went flying through the air and landed in a cow pasture about a mile up the road.

The little alien looked at his friend and said "man, I told you not to mess with him".

That way you wouldn't rely on them would you?

You wouldn't ask them anything.

It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved.

Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway.

My neighbor comes over and says,"Hey, you moving?"

"Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes.

Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes,

"Hey, y'all catch all them fish?"

"Nope,Talked 'em into giving up.

Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel.

There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit and there's only one way to test it.

"Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, itlooks good..They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you."

"Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it"

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations.

The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?"

I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me.

Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago.

A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes.

We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs th exhaust pipe, then goes,"Darn that's hot!"

See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure.

Wouldn't ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried.

I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning...ok...no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked "So..is your
truck stuck?"

Step-Mother replied, "Hell No! You got work to do you dirty little hussie!"

Cinderella was crushed and ran outside and cried! Moments later a bright light appeared and a ravishing little old lady dressed in white and blue.

"Who the Hell are you?" Asked Cinderella with tears dripping off her pale cheeks.

"I'm your Fairy God Mother! And I'm here to help you!" Replied the shapely woman.

"Really?" Cinderella asked with hope. "How are you gonna do that?"

With a tap of her want she made a beautiful coach with radiant silver horses appear.

"Holy Shit!" Cried Cinderella in awe.

"That's not half of it!" And with another tap of her wand she made a very handsome coachman appear.

"But you're missing something. My dress! I need a dress with some pumps and a necklace. Oh, and some make-up. And maybe some jewelry, please!" Cinderella said.

"No problem!" And with another tap of her want Cinderella was dressed in the most extravagant clothes and fine jewelry.

"Oh how can I ever repay you?" Cinderella pleaded.

"Well, don't be too happy. There is one flaw. If you're not home my midnight, I'll turn your pussy into a pumpkin."

"Oh, I'll be sure to be home on time! I Swear!"

And off she went into the coach and off to the ball. When she arrived there she spotted a very handsome guy. She introducedherself and danced with him for half the night. It was getting to be late and Cinderella was very disappointed to have to leave, but knowing the consequences, she asked to excuse herself. "....But by the way, what's your name?" Cinderella asked.

"Peter, Peter, Pumpkin Eater." The handsome man replied.

THE BEST OF THE WORST COUNTRY-WESTERN SONG TITLES (THESE ARE REAL)

- Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye

- Her Teeth were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure

- How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

- How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life

- I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling

- I Fell In a Pile of You and Got Love All Over Me

- I Flushed You From The Toilets of My Heart

-I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You

- I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck!!

- I Wouldn't Take Her To a Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

- I'd Rather Have Bottle in Front of Me than a Frontal Lobotomy

- I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield of Life

- I'm the Only Hell Mama Ever Raised

- If I Can't Be Number One in your Life, Then Number Two on You

- If Love were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low

- If my Nose were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All on You

- If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go and Find Someone Else Who Will

- If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?

- Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)

- My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, and I Don't Love Jesus

- My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart

- My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him

- Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears and My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You

- She Got The Ring and I Got the Finger

- Thank God and Greyhound She's Gone

- They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out

- Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart

- You Can't Have Your Kate and Edith Too

- You Done Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat

- You Were Only a Splinter As I Slid Down the Banister of Life

Anyway the big night arrives and he gets a ring on the doorbell.

So he answers the door and standing there is a guy painted completely red from head to toe.

"What are you supposed to be" asks the host.

Well I'm Anger says the guest......

"OK" the host says - your in.

Two minutes later there is another ring on the door.

Again he answers the door and this time there is a guy standing there painted completely in green.

"What on earth are you supposed to be" asks the host.

"Isn't it obvious" says the guest - "i'm envy".

Looking slightly bemused the host says "ok then, come in".

This was getting silly, all of the guests to the party were just painting themselves in different colors.After all this is an emotions party not a colors party.

A few minutes later there is another ring on the doorbell. So for the third time the host goes to the door wondering what color to expect this time.

To his surprise (and horror), standing at the door there is an enormous Jamaican man with no clothes on - he just had his cock through a hole in a bit of fruit.

"what the fuck sort of emotion are you" says the the host.

"Mommy, can I have a glass of cider for the prick on my hand?

"His mom offered to take it out with the tweezers.

"No, I'd rather have some cider." he said.

His mom gave him the glass of cider and Little Johnny took it to his room.

She was curious to know what he was going to do with it. So she peered into the room and, to her surprise, saw him dipping his finger in the cider.

"What are you doing young man?!" she asked.