Every fall the Ace Hotel saw the pilgrimage of the Blue Society in their quest to watch the leaves change color.

They counted their nickels and drank large quanties of tea, but otherwise, were no trouble except for this year.

One of their members was a thief. Hotel rooms were invaded and wallets were stolen.

Then the hotel called in a detective.

The detective ordered dinner in his room where he could devise a plan of capture.

First, the maid came in to deliver fresh towels.

Then a newlywed couple, locked in embrace, accidentially entered his room before making an apologetic departure.

Next, an elderly lady knocked and entered, then apologized when she saw it was the detective's room and not hers.

Then room service knocked bringing in the detective's dinner.

Half-way through dinner he suddenly knew who the prime suspect was.

Asked his occupation, Ole said, "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties."

The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave Ole $300 a week unemployment pay.

Lars was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he replied.

Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave him $600 a week.

When Ole finds out he is furious.

He stormed back to find out why Lars, his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained, "Panty stitchers were unskilled and diesel fitters were skilled
labor."

You need to cross a bridge.

The bridge takes 5 minutes to cross, even if you are running.

It is the middle of the day, and it is bright and sunny.

There is a guard in the middle, who only checks the bridge every 3 minutes, and doen't want anyone to pass to the other side.

If he sees someone on the bridge, he sends them back, and if they don't stop, he
shoots them. You can not out run the guard, so you will have to out-smart him.

scroll down to see how you can cross... Try to figure this out before you scroll.
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You run as fast as you can for 2 minutes and 59 seconds, then stop abruptly and turn around.

"What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all.

I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson.

Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

Two little boys, one black, and one white, had a continous argument over the color of God. The black boy argued that God had to be black, and the white boy said that God had to be white.

One day, the little black boy says "Why don't we ask Him?"

So the boys knelt down to pray, both asking God what color He was. Out of the Heavens, a booming voice replied "I AM WHAT I AM"

The little black boy looked sad, but the white boy jumped up, feeling victorious.

"I told you he was white!!", the white boy yelled.

"How you know that?" asked the black boy.

"Because if he was black he would've said, "I is who I is!"

Walking To School The First Day Back
by Misty Bus

The Day The Car Pool Forgot Me
by I. Rhoda Bike

Can't See The Chalkboard
by Sidney Backrow

Practical Jokes I Played On The First Day Of School
by Major Crackupp

What I Dislike About Returning To School
by Mona Lott

Making It Through The First Week Of School
by Gladys Saturday

Is Life Over When Summer Ends?
by Midas Welbee

What I Love About Returning To School
by I.M. Kidding

Will Jimmy Finally Graduate?
by I. Betty Wont

What Happens When You Get Caught Skipping School
by U. Will Gettitt

A guy from the Bronx comes to New Jersey looking for a job. So he goes to a construction site an goes in one of the trailers and talks to the boss for a job opening. The boss doesn't really want to hire him because he looks like a punky kind of guy. So the boss figures that he will give the guy an I.Q. test to see how smart he is.

So he gives the guy a pencil and a piece of paper. He tells the guy "I want you to write something that will equal to 9". The guy thinks about it and scratches his head thinking about it for 5 minutes. After 5 minutes he writes down something and gives
the paper to the boss. The boss asks him "What is this supposed to mean?" and the guy says "Well, you see, three trees equal 9. Tree, tree, and tree is 9."

The boss says ok, a little frustrated, and gives the guy his paper back. Then the boss tells him, "Well, I want it to equal 99." The guy thinks about it, scratches his head, and after 10 minutes, he writes down something. He gives it to the boss. The
boss asks him ,"What's this supposed to be?" and the guy tells him, "Well, you see, the trees are all dirty, so dirty tree, dirty tree, and dirty tree is 99."

The Press swarmed as Gus Refer cut the ribbon announcing the opening of his brand new restaurant. It had a lot of publicity because it was the world's only restaurant it the shape of a circle.

About four hours later Gus headed for home. He knew the party would probably go on until morning, but he was tired and wanted some rest.

Two hours later Gus was awakened by the sound of his phone ringing. He picked it up and said hello.

"Are you Gus Refer?"

"Yes, why?"

"My name is Ian Magwire. There has been a murder at your restaurant, come down immediately." Gus quickly dressed and went to the restaurant. As he stepped out of the car he noticed that everyone was there. Ian Magwire had already started questioning the staff.

"Where were you when the murder occured?" he asked the cook. "I was in the kitchen, cutting a chicken with the new and incredibaly sharp knife I have."

"Where were you when the murder occurred?" he asked a waiter. "I was picking up shards of glass," he said.

"Where were you when the murder happened?" he asked the waitress. "I was waiting on that table in the corner," she said.

An hour later Ian walked out of the restaurant with the murderer.

A young blonde female stock broker was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps an MG convertible.

That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with it's gorgeous red paintwork. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?

At that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the hood and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.

"That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?"

"Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."

"Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.

"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?"

"Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.

 |  IP: Logged

Inspired by Kermit Schafer'sbook "Blunderful World of Bloopers" are the amusing and embarassing verbal or technical errors committed by announcers and news broadcasters when sometimes one's tang gets all tongueled in Spoonerisms, Freudian slips and inadvertent double-entendres.

Announcement: The community is invited to a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's Church next Saturday....uh, that shoud be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's Church.

News flash: Severe weather has hit Atlantic City, New Jersey with high winds and heavy rain.A sailor was sucked under the boardwalk by a big Wave.

A DJ flubbed: An now we'll hear "A Hard Man is Good to Find."

Announcer: And now the Blonde Bed Breakers are on the air....I mean the Bond Bread Bakers.

News: During the flood emergency, the mayor has ordered the people living near the river to ejaculate immediately.

Donley's Market has young fresh hens ready for the rooster...er...roaster.

There were three guys who were in a plane crash: an American, a Japanese guy, and a Filipino.

Luckily, when the plane went down, they were the only three to make it out of the wreck and onto the raft.

Continuing on their lucky streak, the ocean currents brought them to an island, which they later determined to be uninhabited by humans.

Not only that, but it was beautiful! Mild climate, lush vegitation, plenty of small game for food, clean, freshwater streams and waterfalls, no real predatory creatures, plenty of beaches, you get the idea... It was a virtual paradise.

Well, three months later, as they were all taking a swim at one of the many beaches, they saw something floating in the water,and it turned out to be a lamp!

As the story goes, you rub the lamp and out comes a genie. So this they did, and lo and behold!

A genie! He said: "I can only grant three wishes. Since there are three of you, I
will grant one wish to each of you." The three men were overjoyed at their good fortune.

The American said, "Hmm, you know, I really like it here on this island. It's very serene and clean and all that, not like New York. But I do miss the night life back in the big apple,especially my girlfriend... I WISH I WAS BACK IN A NEW YORK IN A
BAR WITH A COLD BEER IN ONE HAND AND MY GIRL IN THE OTHER!!!!!"

The genie granted him his wish, and the American dissapeared in a cloud of smoke.

The Japanese guy said, "Hmm! Good island! Very nice! Me like, but no family! Miss family! Must go back and be with family! I wish to be in Tokyo with family!"

The genie granted his wish, and the Japanese guy dissapeared in a cloud of smoke.

I sit so quietly in class
Until I feel this pain of gas
Which stabs intestines large and small:
"I hope that there's an empty stall!"

Or I can be in bed at nine
And dreaming of a girl so fine
When I awake! A siren wails
From in my gut and my entrails!

In either case I must agree
I always have to shit and pee!
But why? For now I'll contemplate....
....And urinate and defecate!

If I can just ignore the smell,
I'll try my best to do them well.
Now to avoid those accidents,
Pull down your pants, you gals and gents.

Unsnap the top, unzip the fly,
And let them fall down past your thigh,
And plant your butt cheeks on the seat,
And--Oh my God! My heart is weak!

This seat's an iceberg, minus ten!
As cold as liquid nitrogen!
This morning cold is just the worst,
But at least I get to use it first!

And now here comes the easy part:
You must fire off a warning fart
To let them know the bombs will fall--
Forget about the other stall!

Let Nature do the rest; sit back
And let the shit fall out your crack!
It's fecal matter--hey, goodbye!
Exit out my bottom eye!

And while I'm here, I might as well
Excrete my urine, what the hell!
It takes one minute for a piss,
But just be sure that you don't miss!

Don't hit the walls or hit the doors.
The janitors hate yellow floors.
Now get your strength back; you'll be strong.
When all that stress and strain is gone,

You'll have to wipe your fundament
And clean the excess excrement!
Just use that roll of mini towels,
Protects your hands and cleans your bowels....

Unless the stuff's just too damn soft
And rips so easily enough
That fingers go right straight on through,
Then my poor hand gets smeared with doo!

I want some stuff that's strong and fair,
That lets me know that it was there
A couple hours after use,
So nothing gets left hanging loose.

Yes, toilet paper--that's the stuff!
And damn, I hope I've got enough
For one wipes, two wipes, three wipes, four!
Five wipes, six wipes, seven, more!

Now push the handle; it goes down
Into the sewer underground
To give the sewer rats a treat.
It's good enough for them to eat!

Or it will help the grass to rise,
But now, I must zip up my fly,
Do up my pants, connect my belt.
I must admit, I haven't felt
This good since this time yesterday!
My shitting then went A-OK!

Now some clean people wash their hands.
But me? Hell no! I'll take the chance!
I must rush off to get some lunch,
Some finger food that I can munch!

A vampire walked into a resturaunt and asked for a cup of blood.
The waiter gave it to him and the vampire walked out.

A second vampire walked in and asked for a hot cup of blood.
The waiter gave it to him and the vampire walked out.

A third vampire walked in and asked for a hot cup of water.
The waiter asked, "What's wrong with you? You're a vampire and you don't want blood?"

Way back in the time of the samurai, there was a powerful emperor. This emperor needed a new head samurai. So, he sent out a message to everybody he knew for them to send a message to who they knew, and so forth.

A year passes, and only three people show up: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.

The emperor asks the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai.

The Japanese samurai opens up a matchbox, and out pops a little fly.

WHOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces! The emperor says, "That is very impressive!"

Then the emperor asks the Chinese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Chinese samurai opens up a matchbox and out pops a little fly.

WHOOOOOOSH. WOOOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces! The emperor says, "That is really impressive!"

Then the emperor asks the Jewish samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Jewish samurai thinks, "If it works for the other two..." So the Jewish samurai walks in, opens a matchbox,and out pops a little fly.

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSHHHH. A gust of wind fills the room,
but the fly is still buzzing around.

The emperor says in disappointment, "Why is the fly not dead?"