With a timid voice and idolizing eyes, the little boy greeted his father as he returned from work, "Daddy, how much do you make an hour?"

Greatly surprised, but giving his boy a glaring look, the father said: "Look, son, not even your mother knows that. Don't bother me now, I'm tired."

"But Daddy, just tell me please!? How much do you make an hour," the boy insisted.

The father finally giving up replied, "Twenty dollars per hour." "Okay, Daddy? Could you loan me ten dollars?" the boy asked.

Showing restlessness and positively disturbed, the father yelled, "So that was the reason you asked how much I earn, right? Go to sleep and don't bother me anymore!"

It was already dark and the father was meditating on what he had said and was feeling guilty. Maybe his son wanted to buy something.

Finally, trying to ease his mind, the father went to his son's room. "Are you asleep son?" asked the father. "No, Daddy. Why?" replied the boy partially asleep. "Here's the money you asked for earlier," the father said.

"Thanks, Daddy!" rejoiced the son, while putting his hand under his pillow and removing some money.

"Now I have enough! Now I have twenty dollars!" the boy said to his father, who was gazing at his son, confused at what his son just said. "Daddy could you sell me one hour of your time?

- If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.

- I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world with out hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

- To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

- If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is,"Can't you make it shoot farther?" "No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots."

- I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

- If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.

- To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.

- Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different"impression," so what, can't we all be brothers?

- Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

- I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.

- I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him.

- If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

- It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

- Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.

- If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

- When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.

- I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a arger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one,except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint,because he had whittled off the paint.

- If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and he guy was reading a magazine.

- If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture.

- Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?

- If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.

- One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake.

- For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?

- Somebody told me how frightening it was how much top soil weare losing each year, but I told that story around the camp fire and nobody got scared.

- I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.

- If by some occurrence you find yourself falling off the CN Tower, Just let yourself go limp. If some people see you falling they may try to catch you thinking, "hey, free dummy!"

- Why is the dove the symbol for peace. Why not the pillow? It has more feathers and it doesn't have that dangerous beak!

- If some guy asked me the meaning of Love, I'd pin his arm up behind his back and say..."Now look who's asking the Questions!"

Carol was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine.

Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said.

"There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."

"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.

Teasing him, Carol said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"

"Absolutely not," he said.

"How sweet," Carol said. "Tell me why not."

One day a lady walked into a tattoo parlor and asked the tattoo artist, "Are you good?"

He replies, "But of course!"

She said,"I need a tattoo of Mike Tyson on my left inner thigh and a
tattoo of Riddick Bowe on my right inner thigh. But I won't pay if they don't look like them."

The tattoo artist agreed to the condition.

She undressed and he started the tattoos.

After he finished the tattoos, she said, "Let's ask the next person who walks in whether they look like Mike Tyson and Riddick Bowe."

A little while later a man walks in. She spread her legs and asked the man, "Do they look like Mike Tyson and Riddick Bowe?"

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room.

He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, 'Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?'

The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing.

Patient #1 replied, 'Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb.'

The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, 'If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself' .

Three proud fathers are discussing their children.  

The firstsays, "I've got four gigantic boys.  One more and I'd have a professional basketball team!"

The second says, "That's nothing.  I've got ten strapping youths.  One more and I'd have a pro football team!"

A man went to the nursing home to visit his grandfather.

"Howare they treating you, grandfather?" he asked. "

Fine!" came ther eply, "The nurses here are really nice."

"How is the food?"

"Good!"

"Are you sleeping well, grandfather?"

"Oh, yes I sleep nine hours a night. Every night they bring me a glass of milk and a viagara.

"Worried, the grandson asked the administrators why he was given viagara.

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up,l ooking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says,"What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

As the young couple prepare to go to bed on their wedding night, the groom says to his bride, "Honey, I have a confession to make. I'm a golf addict. play whenever I have a minute. I can't get enough of it. you'll probably never see me on the weekends."

His bride looked a little uneasy and then said, "Honey I have a confession also...I'm a hooker."

"No problem." Replied the groom, "Just keep your left arm straight and keep that head down. Yu'll be hitting them straight in no time."   

The Top 20 Things You Hear In A Football Broadcast... That Sound Dirty -- But Aren't

20. The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.

19. He came at his blind side and got him from behind.

18. He's off to the sidelines for a quick blow.

17. It's a game of inches.

16. That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it.

15. When you get down in this area, you just gotta start pounding.

14. He's gonna feel that one tomorrow.

13. He found his tight end.

12. End around.

11. He had to stretch to get it in.

10. He gets penetration in the backfield.

9. He blows them off (at the line)

8. He bangs it in.

7. He could go all the way.

6. He gets it off just in time.

5. He goes deep.

4. He found a hole and slid through it.

3. He pounds it in.

2. He beats them off (the line)

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention.

Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together.

One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems."

The others agreed.

Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?"

The other three agreed.

The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire for sex and I frequently seduce my female patients.

"The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."

The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."

Gas price comparison

People have been complaining about the rising price of gasoline recently, but I have always thought that gas was a good value (especially if you were to take the $0.30, $0.40 per gallon taxoff at the pump)!

Obviously others need a little convincing. So the article in this week's "Autoweek" magazine brought it all to light. What if you were to buy a gallon of...

- Diet Snapple 16 oz for $1.29 = $10.32 per gallon

- Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz for $1.19 = $9.52 per gallon

- Gatorade 20 oz for $1.59 = $10.17 per gallon

- Ocean Spray 16 oz for $1.25 = $10.00 per gallon

- Quart of Milk 16 oz for $1.59 = $6.32 per gallon

- Evian (water) 9 oz for $1.49 = $21.19 per gallon

- STP Brake Fluid 12 oz for $3.15 = $33.60 per gallon

- Vicks Nyquil 6 oz for $8.35 = $178.13 per gallon

- Pepto Bismol 4 oz for $3.85 = $123.20 per gallon

- Whiteout 7 oz for $1.39 = $254.17 per gallon

- Scope 1.5 oz for $0.99 = $84.84 per gallon

A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there.

So what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."

The player agreed,and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate... what is two plus two?"

The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?"

"Did you say 4?!?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right.

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are all working as spies for the UK Government during the cold war when they're captured by the Ruskies.

Several years pass and the Russian prison starts to get a bit full, and the oppurtunity arises for an exchange of prisoners.

The Russians talk and decide not to release anyone too high an IQ and so come up with a simple test in order to decide who they should release.

Now the cells with the three guys are basically pits with high walls and a door at the top to allow food to be thrown in and/or a ladder to be lowered.

So the Ruskies go along to the Englishmans cell and shine a torch down to him. "Walk up the beam of light and you can go free Englishman!"

"FUCK OFF YOU RUSSIAN BASTARDS! I'M NOT JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! I CAN'T WALK UP A BEAM OF LIGHT!"

The Russians leave and go to the Scotsmans cell and shine the torch down to him. "Walk up the beam of light and you can go free!"

"OCH! GAN BOIL YE HEID, YA RUSSIAN WANKERS! I CANNY WARK UP NAE BEAM A FOCKING LIGHT!"

So the Russians go to the Irishmans cell and shine the torch down to him. "Walk up the beam of light and you can go free!"

Three golfers, Bob, Max and Ted, are looking for a fourth.

Bob mentions that his friend George is a pretty good golfer, so they decide to invite him for the following Saturday. "Sure, I'd love to play," says George,"but I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me."

So Saturday rolls around. Bob, Max, and Ted arrive promptly at 9:00 and find George already waiting for them.

He plays right-handed and beats them all.

Quite pleased with their new fourth, they ask him if he'd like to play again the following Saturday.

"Yeah, sounds great," says George. "But I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me."

The following Saturday, again, all four golfers show up on time, but this time George plays left-handed and beats them all.

As they're getting ready to leave, George says, "See you next Saturday, but I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me."

Everyweek, George is right on time and plays great with whichever hand he decides to use.

And every week, he departs with the same message.

After acouple months, Ted is pretty tired of this routine, so he says, "Wait aminute, George. Every week you say you may be about ten minutes late, but you're right on time. You beat us either left-handed or right-handed.What's the story?"

"Well," George says, "I'm kind of superstitious. When I get up in the morning, I look at my wife. If she's sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed, and if she's sleeping on her right side, I playright-handed."