An new artist walks in to the art store where he has been trying to sell his paintings and ask the store ownwer if any paintings have been sold.

The owner then said, "I have good news and bad news.

A man came in and asked if your paintings would increase in value once you were dead.

I said, 'Yes!' So the man bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's great! What's the bad news?", said the artist.

One Day Albert wanted to go golfing.

Albert got out of bed early trying not to wake his wife. He got dressed and sneaked out of the house.

He got to the golf course and wanted a cup of coffee before hitting the course. So he went into the club house for a cup of coffee.

Once finished he started out the door and he noticed it was too foggy to golf. So he got back into his truck, real upset, but headed back home.

Albert was real slow on sneaking back in, took off his clothes and went back in bed snuggling back to his wife carefully and saying it's terrible weather out there.

A blind man was describing his favorite sport - parachuting.

When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him:

"I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.

"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground," he answered.

But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.

A man at the pharmacy to pick up his Viagra prescription exclaimed over the $10/pill price. His wife had a different opinion: "Oh, $40 a year isn't too bad."

The Viagra computer virus turns your floppy disk into a hard drive.

If you're depressed and think you might need Viagra, see a professional. If that doesn't work, see a doctor!

Viagra is now being compared to Disneyland: a one-hour wait for a 2-minute ride.

Dan Quail does not support Viagra. Quote: "I've been using this stuff for a week and NOTHING! It's the worst suppository I've ever used."

Men taking iron supplements are warned that taking Viagra may cause them to spin around and point north.

A Viagra delivery truck was high-jacked: The police are lookingf or two 'hardened criminals'. They expect a stiff penalty under the penal code.

The National Science Foundation announced the following study results on corporate America recreation preferences:

1. Sport of choice for maintenance level employees: bowling.

2. Sport of choice for front line workers: football.

3. Sport of choice for supervisors: baseball.

4. Sport of choice for middle management: tennis.

5. Sport of choice for corporate officers: golf.

A boy was getting a checkup while his mother was in the waiting room.

Trying to get some information out of the boy, the nurse asked, "What is your mother's name?"

The boy said "Mommy."

The nurse said, "Well, what does your daddy call her?"

The boy said"Tammy."

The nurse wrote this down.She did the same thing, only with the father as the subject, and got the same reply, "Daddy."

As a last resort, she remarked, once again, "What does your mommy call him?"

It's time for skiing again!

Do the following exercises to prepare for the real experience!

16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.

15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.

14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.

13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.

12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill now.

11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.

10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

8. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.

7. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.

6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

5. Drive slowly for five hours, anywhere, as long as it's in a snow storm and you're following an 18 wheeler.

4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.

3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.

2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.

A stinking Brit, a drunken Irishman, and a close fisted Scot go out to a pub and order 3 pints.

They each find a fly floating on the top of their mugs.

The stinking Brit says, "Bartender, can I have a spoon?" and quietly removes the fly from his brew.

Thedrunken Irishman says, "Get out of there!" and flicks the fly away with a finger.

A Scottish old timer is in a bar talking to a young man.

"Lad, look out there in the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo..."

Then, the old man gestures at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labor for eight days. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Bar-Builder?Nooo..."

Then, the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..."

In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it.

One small feature bothered me.The three wise men were wearing fireman's helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.

She exploded into a rage, yelling at me. "You Yankees never do read The Bible!"

I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in The Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage.

A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

A couple of days later, when the old man had an appointment with the doctor again, the doc said, "You're really doing great,aren't you?"

The man replied, "Just doing what you said doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

The doctor replied, "I didn't say that! I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."   

A goose laid an egg in a redneck's garden.

The owner of the goose went round to his house and asked for the egg.

"Sorry man," came the reply, "In these parts, if goose lays egg in a garden, owner of garden gets egg!"

The goose owner said, "Where I come from, we settle disputes like this:

I kick you in your nuts, you kick me in mine and soon until one gives in. The winner gets the egg."

The redneck replied, "Seems ok to me, go ahead."

At this, the goose owner took a run at the redneck and landed his boot smack in the middle of the redneck's groin.

The redneck kneeled over in agony and sat on the floor to recover.

Three blokes enter a disabled swimming contest.

The first has no arms the second no legs and the third has no body, just a head.

They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool.

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head sank straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first.

He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.

He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.

It is the Olympic men's figure skating.

Out comes the Russian competitor, he skates around to some classical music in a slightly dull costume, performs some excellent leaps but without any great artistic feel for the music.

The Judges' scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.9: United States 5.5: Ireland 6.0

Next comes the American competitor in a sparkling stars and stripes costume, skating to some rock and roll music. He gets the crowd clapping, but is not technically as good as the Russian. He slightly misses landing a triple Salchow and loses the center during a spin. But, artistically, it is a more satisfying performance.

The Judges' scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.5: United States 5.9: Ireland 6.0

Finally out comes the Irish competitor wearing a tatty old donkey jacket, with his skates tied over his wellies. He reaches the ice, trips straight away and bangs his nose which starts bleeding. He tries to get up, staggers a few paces then slips again. He spends his entire 'routine' getting up then falling over again. Finally he crawls off the ice a tattered and bleeding mess.

The Judges' scores read: Britain 0.0: Russia 0.0: United State 0.0: Ireland 6.0

The other 3 judges turn to the Irish judge and demand in unison, "How the hell can you give that mess 6.0?!"

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position.

Thepilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a hand written sign that said " WHERE AM I ? " in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said 'YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.'

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

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An eighty-five-year-old couple, married for almost sixty years,died in a car crash.

They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly as a result of her interest in health food and exercise.

When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and a master bath suite with a sauna and Jacuzzi.

As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost."It's free," Peter replied. "This is heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course would change to a new one that represented one of the great golf courses on Earth.

The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"

Peter's reply: "This is heaven; you play for free."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven; it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.

"Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, "That's the best part: You can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is heaven."

With that, the old man threw down his hat, stomped on it, and shrieked wildly.

Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong ?

The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

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Two golfers are at the first tee.

The first golfer said."Hey, guess what?! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!"