A pollster was taking opinions outside the United Nations building in New York City. He approached four men waiting to cross the street: a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean and a resident New Yorker. He asked, "Excuse me, I would like to ask you your opinion on the current meat shortage?"

The Saudi replied, "Excuse me, but what is a shortage?"

The Russian said, "Excuse me, but what is meat?"

The North Korean replied, "Excuse me, but what is an opinion?"

The New Yorker replied, "What is 'excuse me'?"

George W. Bush was passing through an airplane terminal and he noticed an old man in a long white robe, with a long white beard, long white hair and carrying two stone tablets in his arms. He approached the man and asked reverently, "Aren't you
Moses?"

But the man wouldn't listen to him and continued walking. George asked him again, "Aren't you Moses?"

The old man continued ignoring him, even turning his back on little Bush. George grabs the man's arm, looks him right in the eye and insists, "Answer me -- Aren't you Moses?"

A Southern Belle and a Yankee Woman were sat next to each other on a plane.

As they flew, the Southern Belle began to make conversation with the Yankee Woman, and finally she got to the question "Well , where are you from?"

Ollie and Olga were two Norwegians in the United States who were madly in love.

They decided to be married in the middle of duck hunting season and have their honeymoon in Minnesota.

They could not afford to fly, so they had to take a bus from Chicago through Wisconsin with a bunch of duck hunters.

The bus is driving along, and all of a sudden it breaks down in the middle of
Milwaukee.

So while they are waiting, the duck hunters go inside a coffee shop.

Outside, Ollie, who is much to anxious to wait for Minnesota, asks Olga, "Hey Olga, you vant to mess around in the bushes?"

Olga replies quite upset, "No! I vant to vait until Minnesota so it tis right!"

Ollie is disappointed, but leaves it at that.

Soon after they are back on the road.

But a few hours later, the bus breaks down again in the middle of Madison.

So while they are waiting AGAIN, the duck hunters go inside a coffee shop.

Outside, Ollie, who is still quite "antsy," again asks Olga, "Hey Olga, you vant to mess around in the bushes?"

Olga replies, "I've already to you! No! I vant to vait until Minnesota so it tis right!"

Ollie is once again disappointed but says nothing.

The bus is soon ready and begins back on the journey to Minnesota with the duck hunters who are anxiously waiting.

The bus does not get any further than Wisconsin Dells when it breaks down AGAIN!

The duck hunters go inside the coffee shop, very annoyed thinking that they may actually miss duck hunting season.

Olga, trying to avoid Ollie, followed the duck hunters inside the coffee shop and kinda overheard the duck hunters' conversation.

After Olga gets her coffee she goes outside and whispers to Ollie, "Hey Ollie, you vant to mess around in the bushes?"

Ollie, quite shocked replies, "But I thought you vanted to vait until Minnesota!"

Little Jimmy was laying about on a hillock in the middle of a meadow on a warm spring day. Puffy white clouds rolled by and he
pondered their shape.

Soon, he began to think about God. "God? Are you really there?" Jimmy said out loud.

To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds. "Yes, Jimmy? What can I do for you?" Seizing the opportunity, Jimmy asked,
"God? What is a million years like to you?"

Knowing that Jimmy could not understand the concept of infinity, God responded in a manner to which Jimmy could relate, "A
million years to me, Jimmy, is like a minute."

"Oh," said Jimmy. "Well, then, what's a million dollars like to you?"

"A million dollars to me, Jimmy, is like a penny."

"Wow!" remarked Jimmy, getting an idea. "You're so generous...can I have one of your pennies?"

A guy is at the Pearly Gates, hoping to be admitted, and St. Peter says to the guy, "I can't see that you did anything really good in your life, but you never did anything bad either. I tell you what, if you can tell me one really good deed that you did, you're in."

So the guy says, "Once I was driving down the road and saw a gang of bikers assaulting this poor girl. So I pulled over, got out my car, grabbed a tire iron and walked straight up to the gang's leader--a huge ugly guy with a studded leather jacket, bald head but with hair all over his body, and a chain running from his nose to his ear.

Undaunted, I ripped the chain out of his nose and ear andsmashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turnedaround and, wielding my tire iron, yelled to the rest of them, 'You leave this poor, innocent lady alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

It's not well known that the original Three Stooges - Larry, Moe ANDCurly -
all died at the same time.

When they arrived at Heaven's Gate, St. Peter was stunned.

"Gee, I've never had 3 arrive at once," St.Peter exclaimed. "Anyway, here's how it works. I ask a biblical question, and if you get it correct, you get into Heaven. But I usually have only 2 questions ready at one time."

So Larry stepped up first, and St. Peter asked, "Who was the first man on Earth?"

Larry answered, "Adam."  Bells rang, birds chirped - and Larry walked into heaven.

Next Moe stepped up and St. Peter asked, "Who was the first woman on earth?"

Moe said, "Eve."   Bells rang, birds chirped - and Moe walked into heaven.

Last Curly came and St. Peter said, " I usually don't need a 3rd question, so let me think... "What were the first words Eve said to Adam?"

Curly was stumped and mumbled, "Gee, that's a hard one!"

Bells rang - birds chirped - and Curly walked into heaven.

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach.

The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.

The son comes running up to his mom and says..."Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"

The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than daddy's!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."

Picture it: rural area, Sunday morning, church is packed.

The devil decides to pay a visit.

The doors burst open, and a roiling black cloud rolls in with the devil in its midst.

People jump out of the pews and run outdoors, screaming - all except for two.

One is the Pastor, the other is an elderly farmer.

Satan is a bit perplexed. He points to the Pastor and says, "You! I can understand why you didn't run away, you are in your Lord's house, you preach against me everyday and you aren't afraid of me.

But YOU (points to the farmer), why didn't you run out scared like everyone else?"

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail".

Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

A modest man is in the hospital for a series of tests.

One of the last tests has left his system upset.

Upon making several false alarms to the bathroom he decided the latest was another and stayed put.

He then filled his bed with human waste and was embarrassed beyond anything he could possibly face.

Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bedsheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cussing, and swinging his arms wildly which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked,"What the hell was that all about?"

At last count, Bill Gates had an estimated net worth of $42billion dollars ($42,000,000,000.000).

He has earned since his birth an average of $32.31per heartbeat,and this is escalating.

Here are some things he could do withhis money:

* Pay NBA MVP Michael Jordan's salary for 1,394 years.

* Give every man, woman and child on the face of the Earth$7.46.

* Pay every California Lottery prize for the next 34 years.

* Fund 158 Mars Pathfinder missions.

* Fund the US Department of Education for 19 years.

* Pay tuition for the residents of Seattle and Tacoma to go to the University of Washington for four years.

* Fund the US presence in the Persian Gulf for 11 months.

* Fund the US peace keeping forces in Bosnia for 157 years.

* Buy 233,346,297 copies of Microsoft Windows 95.

* Buy 1,680,000,000 copies of his own book, buy more with his royalties from those sales, continuing the cycle and easily the best selling author of all time

.* Make Hanson the most successful musicians of all time by buying 3,529,411,765 copies of "Middle of Nowhere."

* If he wanted to challenge George Lucas (worth only $2billion), he could make 227 sequels to "Waterworld," or 35,000sequels to "Sling Blade."

* At the median donation for spending a night in the White House, he could stay in the Lincoln Bedroom for 46,300 years.

* If he wanted to go on a killing spree in Los Angeles County,at the rate that Simpson was charged, he could kill 3,360 people and pay all his attorney fees and punitive damages.

* At the rate of 1/2 ounce per $27 million, he could pay MikeTyson to eat 1/5 of Evander Holyfield.

* He could fly from Seattle to Paris and back on Air France 45,258,621 times.

* If he wanted to go to a local baseball game, he could buy Seattle Mariners season tickets, all of them, for 411 years,and with his spare change could buy the team and the Kingdome.

* At Denny's, he could buy a "Grand Slam Slugger Breakfast" for 9,150,326,797 people.

* If he couldn't get service, he could buy every man, woman and child in China a Big Mac Extra Value Meal, as long as no one"Super Sizes."

* If they preferred, he could buy 17 billion packages of Top Ramen noodles.

* He must like coffee, and could buy over 6 billion pounds ofFrench roast at his local Starbuck's.

The local restaurant was so sure that its host was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The host would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight lifters, longshoremen,etc.), but nobody could do it.

Then one day, this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice,"I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the host said "OK," grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the host paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack,a weightlifter, or what?"

A teacher notices that a little boy at the back of the class is squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention.

She goes back to find out what's up.

He's quite embarrassed and whispers that he has just recently been circumcised and he's quite itchy.

The teacher has him go down to the principal's office, to phone his mom,and ask her what he should do about it.

He does this and returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly, there's a general commotion at the back of the room.

Back down she goes,only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

"I thought I told you to call your mom," she says.

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost.

He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.

"I am." replies the man. "How did you know."

"Well," says the balloonist, "Everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must work in business."

"I do," replies the balloonist, "But how did you know?"