A guy dies and goes to heaven.

St. Peter issues him a white robe, a harp, and his very own cloud to float around on.

The guy thinks this is great. One day he sees another cloud float by.The guy on that cloud has a gorgeous, naked woman and a keg of beer with him.

The guy finds St. Peter and complains to him."How come this guy gets a gorgeous babe and keg of beer, when all I got is this white robe and a lousy harp?

St. Peter says,"I know just who you're talking about. He's being punished."

The guy can't beleive what he's hearing. "How can that be?" He asks.

"Well," says St. Peter, "The keg has a hole in it, and the girl doesn't."   

A pastor was walking down the street, and he came upon a group of youngboys, they were all circled around one small mangy-looking dog.

Afraid lest they were hurting the poor animal, the pastor walked up to their circle, and asked what they were doing with the dog.

A small boy answered, "This dog is a stray, and we all want him, so we decided that whoever could tell the biggest lie, would get him."

At thisthe pastor was outraged, and started in on a 15 minute sermon about why it is wrong to lie, he concluded saying, "Why, when I was a boy, I never told one lie."

On the 16th hole of the golf course, Fred had hit his ball into the woods.

Harry, his partner had laughed and poked fun, but then somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods, just a few yards beyond.

Fred looked for a long time, getting angrier every minute.Finally, in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups, he found his ball.

Instead of just continuing the game, he took his club and thrashed every single buttercup in that patch.

Suddenly, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?!

Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life....better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest ofyour  life.....as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"

Then POOF!...she was gone.

After Fred got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, "Harry!..Harry! Where are you?"

Harry yells, "I'm over here, in the pussy willows."

Fred screams back "DON'T SWING! FOR GOD'S SAKE! DON'T SWING!"

A man died and arrived at the gates of heaven.

He was assigned to a guide to be given the grand tour.

They entered a huge building and started down a long hallway.

Soon theycame to a big door. The man looked inside and saw a huge crowd of people dancing, laughing and having a generally great time."Who are they?" He asked.

"Those are all the Protestants." was the answer.

They continued down the long hallway and soon came to another, similar
door. It also was wide open and the man looked inside and saw a similar
sight. Crowds of people just having a wonderful time."Who are they?" He asked.

"Those are all the Jews." was the reply.They then continued down the long hallway and soon came to another,similar door. This door, however, was closed.

The guide said. "Shhh, we have to pass this door very quietly."

"Why?" Asked the man.

Office Pranks on Induhviduals

-----------------------------

My favorite prank report from the field:"A friend of mine who works with MRI machines bet the medical salesman that he could not toss his wallet through the opening in the MRI magnet--the one the patients' head goes through--without having the wallet touch the sides.

The Induhvidual's wallet included all of his credit cards, which were instantly demagnetized in the process. Although it cost my friend a soda, the snicker factor made it well worth the price.

"True Tales of Induhviduals

--------------------------

These true reports were filed by anonymous DNRC operatives:

Sighting #1: I was busy writing some computer program for one of my classes and my roommate asked me if he could use my coffee maker. I said, "sure."The next thing I hear is, "Hey, where do you put the coffee?" I turn to see that he has filled the filter basket with water and is (unsuccessfully) trying to keep the water in the basket by plugging the hole at the bottom with his finger. He and the floor are both covered with water.[Editor's note: Guess which one of these guys will be a senior manager someday.]

Sighting #2: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage withoutyour knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."

Sighting #3:The stop light on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing DRIVING???"

Sighting #4: At a goodbye lunch for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the company due to "right sizing," our manager spoke up and said, "This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.

Sighting #5:I worked with an Induhvidual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.

Sighting #6 (a rare "double sighting"):A friend had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font they'd take up less room. When he told me I was with another friend. She thought it was a good idea too.

Sighting #7 (from Tech Support):Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?" Induhvidual: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"

Sighting #8 (from Tech Support):Induhvidual: Now what do I do?Tech Support: What is the prompt on the screen? Induhvidual: It's asking for "Enter Your Last Name."Tech Support: Okay, so type in your last name.Induhvidual: How do you spell that?

911 operator: 911 what is your emergency?

Man: Hey dude, I need an ambulance.(static in the phone line interrupts call)

911 operator: A what?

Man: I need an ambulance. A dude just got hit by a car.

911 operator: Okay, where are you?

Man: I'm down here on Sycamore Street.(static in the phone line becomes worse)

911 operator: Where are you? Say it again. This staic makes it hard to
understand you.

Man: I'm at Sycamore Street!(static still continues)

911 operator: Maybe it would be easier to understand you if you spell
where you're at.

Man: All right. S-y-c-k...no, no that ain't right.S-i-c-k...no...S-e...S-y.

A dad walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old son.

The kid is spinning a 25 cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat.

He immediately starts choking, going blue in the face, and his dad starts panicking and shouting for help.

A well dressed middle-aged, moderately attractive, but serious woman in a navy blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market, reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the comotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter. Then she gets up from her seat and makes her unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and squeezes. Gently at first. Nothing happened. Then she squeezed even more firmly.After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the 25 cent piece, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy, the woman pockets the coin and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar, without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill-effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts effusively thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before--it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

Wouldn't it be nice to tell the Dean of your college what you REALLY think about him/her?Well,... if you like YOUR Dean as much as I like MY Dean, then you'd better keep your mouth shut. I knew I'd get kicked out of the college if I expressed my true feelings, so I remained silent for the last four years.

But yesterday was my graduation. And as I walked across the stage, the Dean handed my diploma to me (nicely scrolled and tied with a ribbon).

Once she handed it to me, I could finally tell that bitch what I REALLY thought about her. So I leaned across her podium and I looked her straight in the eye.

"Hey Bitch," I said. "You're so damn ugly... you could practice birth control just by leaving the lights on!" And then I walked off the stage, and went home. I gotta tell you that it felt just as good as I had imagined it would for the last four years.

Sure enough, a cop with a radar gun is sitting on the other side of the bridge.

The cop pulls him over, then walks up to the guy's car and asks, "What's the hurry?"

The guy replies, "I'm late for work, officer."

"What do you do?"

"Well, I'm a rectum stretcher."

"What? A rectum stretcher?"

The guy explains, "Yeah.I start with a finger,then work my way up to two fingers... eventually I get a hand in, then both hands, and I slowly stretch it until it's about six feet wide."

The curious cop asks, "What do you do with a six-foot asshole?"

Some new billboards are getting some attention in Dallas.

Some reported seeing one or two messages, but the newspaper listed all of them.
Here is a list of all variations of the "God Speaks" billboards. Thebillboards are a simple black background with white text. No fineprint or sponsoring organization is included.

Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game.-God

C'mon over and bring the kids.-God

What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand?-God

Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer.-God

Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage.-God

That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it.-God

Will the road you're on get you to my place?-God

Big bang theory, you've got to be kidding.-God

Need directions?-God

You think it's hot here?-God

Have you read my #1 best seller? There will be a test.-God

Do you have any idea where you're going?-God

Don't make me come down there.-God   

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.

Right inthe middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said, after catching his breath,"You scared us half to death! We thought you were a ghost!

What are you doing working here so late at night?"

A priest was called away for an emergency.

Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.

The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional.

In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned. Icommitted adultery."

Priest says: "How many times?"

Woman: "Three times."

Priest says, "Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more."

A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father orgive me for I have sinned."

Priest says, "What did you do?"

Man says, "I committed adultery."

Priest asks, "How many times?"

Man replys, "Three times."Priest says, "Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more."

The Rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later another woman enters and says, "Father forgiveme for I have sinned."

Rabbi says, "What did you do?"

Woman replys, "I committed adultery."

Rabbi asks, "How many times?"

Woman says "Once."

OMG!!!
This Really Cracked me up :P
A Truck in the Food Area Had
Nuckin Futs Painted on it!!!

RIDDLES

What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It

How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path.

How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall?
Dam!

What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice Too Long?
Polaroid's.

What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't Work?
A Stick

What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese
.What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Sinko.

What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A Vampire?
Frostbite

.What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck

What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left It.

Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka

.Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

What Goes Clop, Clop, Clop, Bang, Clop, Clop, Clop?
An Amish Drive-By Shooting.

One day, a woman went into a pet shop and she saw this bird that was really cheap.

So she asked the store owner, "Why is this bird so cheap?"

The store owner replied, "Well, this bird used to be in a whore house, and it doesn't used very good language."

Well, the woman thought, "Well, I'll buy this bird and teach it new words." So she bought it and took it home. And when she got home,the bird said, "New house, New Madam." And the woman smiled,and walked away.

Then, when the woman's two teenage daughters came home, the bird said, "New house, new madam, and two new whores."

The two girls just giggled and didn't think anything of it.