"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY":
We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE":
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wearearrings.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED":
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED":
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY":
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL":
We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED":
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"APPLY IN PERSON":
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE":
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE":
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST":
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS":
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

It is time to elect a world leader, and your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates:

Candidate A: Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologers. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B: He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps untill noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

Candidate C: He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke,drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any extra-marital affairs.

Which of these candidates would be your choice?
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And the candidates are:

Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt

Candidate B is Winston Churchill

Candidate C is Adolf Hitler

25. "My plan to find the real killers" by OJ Simpson

24. "To all the men I've loved before" by Ellen DeGeneres

23. "The Book of Virtues" by Bill Clinton

22. The Difference between Reality and Dilbert

21. Human Rights Advances in China

20. "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman

19. Al Gore: The Wild Years

18. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean

17. Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors

16. America's Most Popular Lawyers

15. Detroit - A Travel Guide

14. Different Ways to Spell "Bob"

13. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches

12. Easy UNIX

11. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance

10. Everything Men Know About Women

9. Everything Women Know About Men

8. French Hospitality

7. George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names

6. "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel

5. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette

4. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA

3. Staple Your Way to Success

2. The Amish Phone Directory

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark." And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an Ark.

"Okay," said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that there was no Ark.

"Noah," shouted the Lord, "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans."

"Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system."

"Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission."

"Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl.

I had to convince the U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I need the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So, no owls."

"The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike.

I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer.

Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls."

"Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.

They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being."

"Then the Army Corp of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.

The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country."

"I really don't think I can finish the Ark for at least another five years,"

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled.

"You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked hopefully.

Australian Police have been unable to recommend a prosecution for the following scam:

A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply imported hard core pornographic videos.

As their prices seem reasonable, people place orders and make payments via check.

After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted.

So they return their customers' money in the form of a company check.

However, due to the name of the company, few people ever bother to present these to their banks.

The name of the company:

President Boris Yeltsin called Clinton with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried; "my people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"

"Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the President.

"I do need your help," said Yeltsin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tie us over?"

"Why certainly! I'll get right on it!" said Clinton.

"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Yeltsin.

"Yes?"

"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Yeltsin.

"No problem," replied the President and, with that, Clinton hung up and called the President of Trojan. "I need a favor, you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia."

"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.

"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide."

"Easily done. Anything else?"

Submitted by a female lurker, who works as projectionist for local 306 NYC

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.

I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.

My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.

I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.

Joan of Arc heard voices too.

I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.

As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.

The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.

I am at one with my duality.

Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

I will strive to live each day as if it were my 21st birthday.

Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."

False hope is nicer than no hope at all.

A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.

Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find someone.

Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.

I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step -- blaming my parents.

To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

"The problem with the designated driver program is it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." --- Jeff Foxworthy

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --- Bob Ettinger

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have betterverbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: -- -- Duh." --- Conan O'Brien

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner." ---
Lynda Montgomery

"The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner." --- Roseanne

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" --- Richard Jeni

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--- Paul Rodriguez

"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law." --- Jerry Seinfeld

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" --- Warren Hutcherson

"Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress...But I repeat myself." ---Mark Twain

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait." --- A. Whitney Brown

Similarities between Nixon and Clinton

Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Waterbed

Nixon: His biggest fear--the Cold War
Clinton: His biggest fear--a Cold Sore

Nixon: Worried about carpet bombs
Clinton: Worried about carpet burns

Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her

Nixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick
Clinton: Same

1) Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2) One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3) Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4) If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5) The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6) I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7) Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts, but as mattresses?

8) Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

9) And whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.

Job interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar..

You fall off the floor...

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you

At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women or Men].

Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.

Roseanne looks good.

Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.

I'm as jober as a sudge.

The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

The week flew by and they all had a great time.

After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation.

The first guy says, "I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my wife flings her arms and hollers, '7 come 11' and I havent had a wink of sleep!"

The second guy says, "I know what you mean. My wife played blackjack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers, 'Hit me light or hit me hard!' and I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"

"ROME?!" Joe says, "Why would you want to go there? It's a crowded dirty city! You'd be crazy to go to Rome. So how ya getting there?"

"We're taking TWA," the man replies. "TWA?!" yells Joe. "They're terrible airline. Their planes are old, the food is terrible and they're always late! So where you staying in Rome?"

The man says, "We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."That dump?" says Joe. "That's the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and slow and they're overpriced! So whatcha doing when you get there?"

The man says "We're going to go see the Vatican and hope to see the Pope." "Ha! That's rich!" laughs Joe. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on the trip. You're going to need it!"

A month later, the man comes in for his regular haircut. Joe says, "well, how did that trip to Rome turn out? Betcha TWA gave you the worst flight of your life!"

"No, quite the opposite" explained the man. "Not only were we on time in one of their brand-new planes, but it was full and they bumped us up to first class."

"Hmmm," Joe says, "Well, I bet the hotel was just like I described."

"No, quite the opposite! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling. It's the finest hotel in Rome, now. They wereoverbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential suite for no extra charge!"

"Well," Joe mumbles, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope!"

"Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into this private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, after 5 minutes the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."

Impressed, Joe asks, "Tell me, please! What'd he say?"

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take away taste. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm andremove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cuboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash down pill.

When she came out of the coma, hours after arriving at the hospital and found out that her brother had named the twins, she was very worried. Her brother was not very bright, and she didn't think he would have done a very good job of choosing her
kids' names.

When he came in to see her she asked, "So what names did you choose for my children?"

He replied, "The first born was a girl."

"Oh," started the woman, "and what did you name her??"

"Denise," answered her brother.

The woman was very surprised, and very pleased, "Hey, that's not half bad!" She exclaimed to her brother. "And what did you name the second child?" She waited excitedly to hear the name her brother had chosen for the other child.

"Well, the next born was a boy," her brother informed her.

"Yes, and what did you name him??" inquired the woman.

Replied the brother, "Denephew."