"Passionate kiss like spider's web - soon lead to undoing of fly."

"Virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone!"

"Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ."

"Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok."

"Man with one chopstick go hungry."

"Man trapped in whore house get jerked around."

"Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails."

Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk!"

"Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it."

"Woman who wear G-string, high on crack!"

"War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left."

"Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house."

An old, bearded shepherd with a crooked staff walked up to a stone pulpit and said, "And lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot."

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. 

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far, from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" 

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How,Dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price.  And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. 

And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. A

Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy.

A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum, and was accused of insider trading.

And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horse fly take to camel dung. 

They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS  for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land.

And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only if you bought Brother Gates' drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

Ponder these questions when you don't want to think about important stuff!

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

What do chickens think we taste like?

What do people in China call their good plates?

What do you call a male ladybug?

What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a baldman?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drinkand drive?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?

Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?

If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have locks on the door?

Why is a bra singular and panties plural?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime,what does a freedom fighter fight?

If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?

If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?

If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your head lights on, what happens?

Why do they put Braille dots on the key pad of a drive-up ATM?

Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?I

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

If you throw a cat out of the house, does it become kitty litter?

Where is the "W" in one when you need it?

Why is there a "W" in two when you don't?

Eye halve a spelling chequer It came with my pea sea It plainly marques four my revue Miss steaks eye kin knot sea. Eye strike a key and type a word And weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait a weigh. As soon as a mist ache is maid It nose bee fore two long And eye can put the error rite Its rare lea ever wrong. Eye have run this poem threw it I am shore your pleased two no Its letter perfect awl the weigh My chequer tolled me sew.

They noted the strangespelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it - KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME. They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town.

Jack and Jill went up the hill,
Each with a quarter,
Jill came down with 50 cents.
Do you think they went for water?

Jack and Jill went up the hill,
To fetch a pail of water,
Jill forgot to take the pill,
So now they've got a daughter!J

ack and Jill went up the hill,
With a keg of brandy,
Jack got stewed,
Jill got screwed,
Now it's Jack, Jill, and Andy.

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories

2: If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts, such as hot chocolate ,brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots & Tootsie Rolls.

7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.

9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: Spinach & Pistachio Ice Cream; Mushrooms& Mashed Potatoes.

10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.

12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We all know how calories like to cling!!)

1. Words can't describe your outfit, so I'll just throw up

2. They can't measure your intellect. The scale won't go that low.

3. Appearances can be deceiving. Or in your case, disgusting.

4. I promise not to make fun of your height. I wouldn't stoop to that.

5. I'm glad you're tall. It gives me more to not like about you.

6. I think you stepped on something smelly. Oh! its your feet.

7. I've seen tables with nicer looking legs.

8. Are you going to eat that apple, or gum it to death.

9. You're mouths the perfect size...for your foot.

10. I've seen a nose like yours before, but it looked better on the baboon

11. You know what I like about your face? Me neither.

12. You know what goes best with a face like yours? A paper bag.

13. Why don't you do something different with your hair, like wash it!

14. You're a person or rare intelligence...its rare you show any.

15. You'll never use your mind. You can't use something you've never had.

16. You've made this date one I'll never forget...no matter how hard I try to forget

17. I know why they call this a "blind date"...now that I've seen you...I wish I was blind."

18. You're like disposable diapers...always getting dumped on.

19. SOMEONE ELSE: "What are you doing Friday night?"
YOU: "Trying to forget you asked me that.

20. SOMEONE ELSE: "What's he/she got that I haven't?"
YOU: "You want it alphabetically?"

21. I've seen better looking hair in my shower drain.

One day they went to the beach and Bob went to the public restroom. In the urinal next to him was this big Jamaican man. Bob looked over the urinal and noticed the letters "W Y" on the Jamaican's penis and he asked him, "Your girlfriend's name must be Wendy?"

If your ship hasn't come in...Swim out to it!

Life's too short to dance with ugly men/women.

I LIKE CATS! They taste like chicken.

Men are proof that women can take a joke.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.

I like you but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.

"Auntie Em: Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. - Dorothy"

ESCHEW OBFUSCATION. (means avoid confusion/over-complication)

LOTTERY: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

WE ARE MICROSOFT. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Few women admit their age, few men act it.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?

Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot.

According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.

Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them.

Forget about world peace... visualize using your turn signal.

WARNING: DATES ON CALENDAR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

3 kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Bumper sticker in the year 2100: DISCO STILL SUCKS

I fish! Therefore, I lie.

Nuke the Whales.

I swerve for cats.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

Montana --- At least our cows are sane!

It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like
the IRS.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

If Clinton is the answer, it must have been a stupid question.

Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students!

* I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.

* Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2,000 will only by a used one.

* If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous.

* Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?

* If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.

* When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 30 cents a gallon? Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.

* Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail haircuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls.

* Pretty soon, you won't be able to buy a good 10-cent cigar.

* I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century.

* Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President.

* I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.

* It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women have to work to make ends meet.

* It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.

* I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.

* Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to Congress.

* The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.

* There is no sense going to the city for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel.

* No one can afford to be sick anymore. $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood.

* If a few idiots want to risk their necks flying across the country, that's fine, but nothing will ever replace trains.

* I don't know about you, but if they raise the price of coffee to 15 cents, I'll just have to drink mine at home.

* If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a haircut, forget it. I'll have my wife learn to cut hair.

* We won't be going out much anymore. Our babysitter informed us she wants 50 cents an hour. Kids think money grows on trees.

After a while, he notices a guy walking from car to car down the freeway, stopping and talking to people through their car windows.

When the guy reaches him he rolls down his window and says, "Hey! What's
causing all this delay?"

The guy on the freeways says,

"Well, you're not going to believe this, but OJ Simpson has sat down in the middle of the freeway intersection up there, and he's totally distraught, and he says there's no way he can ever pay the $35 million he owes the Goldmans and the Browns, and so he's threatened to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire if people don't give enough money sufficient to cover the cost of the judgment.

So I've taken up a collection to try to end the traffic jam."

"How much have you gotten so far."

They are joined by a handsome guy. Built, nice butt,you get the point.

Anyway, the brunette notices the man has dandruff, but she doesn't say anything until he gets off.

She then turns to the blonde and says, "He needs Head and Shoulders."

For example:

Japan - "Throbzilla"

Poland - "Go-inski Lewinski

"Denmark - "Gropen-hagen"

Afghanistan - "Afghani-Stain"

China - "Mao Tse Tongue"

France - "Bone Appetit"

Italy - "The Rodfather"Nepal - "Him-A-Lay-Her