1. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

2. Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

3. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

4. In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

5. Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

6. What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.

7. A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Grafton Street and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I
had your willpower."

8. Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

9. Young Son: "Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her."
Dad: "That happens in every country, son!"

10. A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: WIFE WANTED.
Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: YOU CAN HAVE MINE.

11. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

12. First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

13. How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

14. Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

15. If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

16. Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

17. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying!"

18. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."

His most trusted driver and his daughter had fallen victims. At the time of his arrival he was very worried because he had not known how seriously injured they both were.

The accident had involved their car being hit by the side of the road by a Truck (driven by a drunkard).

Meeting a nurse at the entrance, the chief requested her to show him where the two had been admitted. The nurse directed him towards the male wing ofthe hospital where his driver was.

As the chief entered the room he came across the doctor-in-charge. The doctor after being asked by the chief about the condition of the driver comforted the old man (the chief) and informed him that the only serious injury the driver had received was he had lost his penis (of which they were unable to recover it at the site ofthe accident).

The old man looked sad on receiving the news and was left in the room by the doctor.

Afterwards the old man rushed into the place where his daughter was and again met the doctor-in-charge.

He asked to know of the condition of his daughter and the doctor explained to him that she was not hurt at all, that in fact, he had two pieces of good-news for him.

After being informed the of the news the old man pounced on the doctor and struck him with his walking stick.

The following is that part of the discussion that led to the violent attack on the doctor:

THE CHIEF: How is my daughter, doctor?

DOCTOR: I've got two good-news for you, sir.

THE CHIEF: Which is?

DOCTOR: Your daughter received no injury at all, sir.(At this point the chief was jumping in joy, hugging the doctor then hestopped to ask.)

THE CHIEF: I thought you said two items of good-news, doctor, but that's only one. What's the other?

DOCTOR: Oh, yes! How could I forget, we found your driver's penis and we are happy to tell you that he shall be taken to surgery to get it re-attached.

THE CHIEF (Happily): Sure! Where was it?

THE DOCTOR: In your daughter's vagina, sir. After the accident that occurred at West Street, a local chief rushed into the casualty wing of the hospital.

His most trusted driver and his daughter had fallen victims. At the time of his arrival he was very worried because he had not known how seriously injured they both were.

The accident had involved their car being hit by the side of the road by a Truck (driven by a drunkard).

Meeting a nurse at the entrance, the chief requested her to show him where the two had been admitted. The nurse directed him towards the male wing ofthe hospital where his driver was.

As the chief entered the room he came across the doctor-in-charge. The doctor after being asked by the chief about the condition of the driver comforted the old man (the chief) and informed him that the only serious injury the driver had received was he had lost his penis (of which they were unable to recover it at the site ofthe accident).

The old man looked sad on receiving the news and was left in the room by the doctor.

Afterwards the old man rushed into the place where his daughter was and again met the doctor-in-charge.

He asked to know of the condition of his daughter and the doctor explained to him that she was not hurt at all, that in fact, he had two pieces of good-news for him.

After being informed the of the news the old man pounced on the doctor and struck him with his walking stick.

The following is that part of the discussion that led to the violent attack on the doctor:

THE CHIEF: How is my daughter, doctor?

DOCTOR: I've got two good-news for you, sir.

THE CHIEF: Which is?

DOCTOR: Your daughter received no injury at all, sir.(At this point the chief was jumping in joy, hugging the doctor then hestopped to ask.)

THE CHIEF: I thought you said two items of good-news, doctor, but that's only one. What's the other?

DOCTOR: Oh, yes! How could I forget, we found your driver's penis and we are happy to tell you that he shall be taken to surgery to get it re-attached.

THE CHIEF (Happily): Sure! Where was it?

To the dump to the dump
to the dump dump dump

The doctor says, "It's not too bad, you just need to put thesesuppositories up your ass." The doctor then says, "I'll give you the first dose, then you can have your wife give you the second this evening.

" The man replies, "Okay."

Later that evening he is talking to his wife and tells her what the doctor said, and she said she would help.

She puts one hand upon his shoulder and tells him to bend over.

All of the sudden the guy screams "Oh My God!!"

"What's wrong?" asks his wife.

Tips on love, from those who should know. All questions were answered by kids, ages 5-10.

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?

"Eighty-four, because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." (Judy, 8)

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife."
(Tom, 5)

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
(Mike, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have
videos of the wedding." (Jim, 10)

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." (Kally, 9)

THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

"It's better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them." (Lynette, 9)

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." (Kenny, 7)

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so
popular." (Jan, 9)

"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." (Harlen, 8)

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger,
9)

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." (Leo, 7)

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8)

"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7)

"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, 9)

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS

"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." (Dave, 8)

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE

"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons'is ontelevision." (Anita, 6)

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls
keep finding me."(Bobby, 8)

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough."(Regina, 10)

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."(Ava, 8)

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU

"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." (Del, 6)

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo,9)

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me.(Bart, 9)

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?

"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love." (John, 9)

"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food." (Brad, 8)

"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire.
They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are on fire." (Christine, 9)

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"

"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." (Michelle, 9)

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS

"You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." (Doug, 7)

"It might help to watch soap operas all day." (Carin, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all overyou...That's why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10)

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE

"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom,7)

So this Irishman retires from a lumberyard after 40 years of service and they give him a gold watch, but he feels guilty because he's been stealing pieces of lumber for the entire time. Feeling guilty, he or course goes to his priest to confess and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. For the entire 40 years I worked at the lumberyard I stole lumber--not much at one time, but now I have a whole house full of lumber. And they've given me a gold watch. How can I make up for it?"

So the priest tells him, "That's a pretty serious sin, my son. I don't think an ordinary penance will do. You'll have to make a Novena."

"Great!" says the man. "If you've got the plans, father, I've got the lumber!"

Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large land mass and said "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's New Jersey, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams, and mountains. The people from New Jersey are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hardworking and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"

The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."

"Good morning pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque, then he asked, "Pastor Bollinger, what is this?"

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of event is put into motion.

(1) The woman goes to the store.

(2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.

(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.

(4) The man places the meat on the grill.

(5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.

(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.

(7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

(8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an ash tray from an old car. He opens it and out pops a genie....

But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing a polka dot bow tie and a plaid sport coat. There's a dog-eared little book in the breast pocket with a blue cover. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." says the man. "I'm not going to trust a car salesman!"

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and It looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."

***POOF***

The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, kid, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF***

The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare mgold coins
and precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful woman will want and need me."

***POOF***

He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story?

She turns around and says, "You know, I'm a
lesbian."

He just nods and keeps flirting.

So she turns around again and says to him, "Do you know what a lesbian is?"

He replies no.

She says, "You see that woman there. I want to strip her down and have open sex with her all over the floor."

Upon hearing that, the man starts sobbing.

She asks, "What's wrong?"

He was, however, having an affair with a very beautiful woman, names Cleerlie.

After having a secret romance for a year, Cleerlie finally said, "Look, if you are not going to leave your wife, I'm outta here. I've given you enough time!"

The guy decides to tell his wife Lorraine that their marriage is over.She has no idea there is any problem.

He take her to her favorite place, the beach,to break the news to her.They walk
out on the rocks, and are standing there when a huge wave goes over Lorraine and takes her out to sea.

The guy look out to the water and says, "I can see Cleerlie now, Lorraine is gone!"

Criminal #1:
This guy in New York walks into a bank and demands money. The teller pushes the little red button below the counter that sets off the alarm siren. When he hears it he trys to run out the door. He trys to push it open, but it won't move. He keeps pushing. Still no luck. Finally the police come and arrest him. When he is put into the cop car he realizes that the door was a pull door instead of a push door.

Criminal #2:
This guy in San Fransisco trys to rob a 7-Eleven. He walks in and points his gun at the cashier. When he notices the cashier isn't looking he sets his gun down on the counter and he trys to get a date with this hot woman standing next to him. After he
gets rejected, he looks back at the cashier he sees the barrel of his gun pointing at his head. he runs like no other out the door and the cashier shoots him in the knee. The police come shortly after that and arrest him.

Criminal #3:
This guy walks into a bank and asks the teller for money. The teller cooperates and hands him a bag of money. The teller immediately calls the cops. He runs out of the bank feeling pretty good about his successful robbery. When he gets to his getaway car he realizes he doesn't have his car keys. He runs back into the bank and finds his keys on the counter. The teller and all the customers in the bank are on the ground laughing. He grabs his keys and runs back out the door to find the cops pulling into the parking lot. He is immediately arrested.

Criminal #4:
This guy walks into a bank and demands for money. the cashier goes into the vault to get some money. when she returns she pushes a button to a steel door overhead of the tellers windows. the robber tries to dive under the doors but gets caught in between them. he is winsing in pain because he has broken all his ribs and the tellers are punching him in the face. when the police arrive all they see are legs moving wildly in the air and realize that the robber has got caught in the doors. they take him out of the doors and take him to the hospital where he stays for 3 days recovering while strappred to his hospital bed. he later goes to jail for 5 years.

Crimnal #5
This robber walks into a Co-Go's not knowing that an undercover policeman is outside. when he tries to get the money the teller pushes the alarm button for the police. the robber tries to make a run for it but sees a shopping cart coming at him he tries to jump it but gets caught in it instead and flips over. the undercover policeman that he did not notice had pushed that cart at him. he was taken away buy the police man and put in jail.

"Well, Mr. Smith, you're in great shape for a man your age,"says the doctor.

The man replies, "Well doc, I don't drink, I don't smoke, and the good Lord looks out for me."

"What do you mean?" asks the doctor.

The old man says, "For instance, last night in the middle of the night, I had to get up to go to the bathroom--and the good Lord turned on the light for me so I wouldn't fall down."

"That's nice," said the doctor. "Send your wife in now, please."

The wife comes in and the doc says, "Mrs. Smith, you're in great shape for a woman your age."

She then says, "Well, doc, I don't drink, I don't smoke..."

The doctor interrupts, "and the good Lord looks after you, right?"

The woman is confused and says, "What are you talking about?"

The doctor explains, "Your husband was just telling me the same thing--he said that the good Lord looks after him--like the other night when he had to go to the bathroom, the good Lord turned the light on for him..."