SPOD (Stupid People of the Day)

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very
upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat inorder to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the ER right away.

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Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the field decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were
successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the Stilliguamish River, they were quite
surprised by a coast guard helicopter homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed here.

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The instructor was demonstrating the wonders of static electricity to his class at MIT. While holding a plastic rod in
one hand and a wool cloth in the other, he told the class, "You can see that I get a large charge from rubbing my rod..." That
was pretty much the end of learning for that day.

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I worked for a while at a Walmart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee of Walmart you are sometimes required to make
storewide pages, e.g., "I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter." One night a tentative female
voice came over the intercom system with the following message: "I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance."

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A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders. But one day, everyone was under the speed limit, the
officer found the problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said "RADAR
TRAP AHEAD." A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet,
full of change.

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The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
* Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL

Beauty is only a light switch away.
* Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's
Get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
* Armand's Pizza, Washington, DC

Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"
* Rest stop off Route 81, WV

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of
putting up with her shit.
* Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC

To do is to be. -Descartes
To be is to do. -Voltaire
Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra
* Men's restroom, Greasewood Flats, Scottsdale, AZ

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
* Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
* Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, AZ

Make love, not war. - Hell, do both, get married!

God is dead. - Nietzsche
Nietzsche is dead. - God
* The Tombs Restaurant, Washington, DC

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
* Revolution Books, New York, NY

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going
to have trouble with it.
* Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?

You're too good for him.
* Sign over mirror in Women's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly
Hills,CA

No wonder you always go home alone.
* Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly
Hills, CA

~~~~~ and from the once famous Bird House, Bird Creek, AK
(before it burnt down; south of Anchorage) -- hello Leroy!

These candy bars taste like cotton.

For sale or trade: one blind crab for one without teeth.

Birthdays come only once a year ... I'm glad I'm not a birthday.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

We aim to please: aim too please.

Is intercourse here to stay, or are people just screwing around?

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Help stamp out graffiti.

Graffiti is the 'handwriting on the wall'

Confuses say many who shits in the woods finds flies on his return.

Eat Shit: a billion flies can't be wrong.

1. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

2. Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

3. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

4. In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

5. Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

6. What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.

7. A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Broadway Street and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

8. Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

9. Young Son: "Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her." Dad: "That happens in every country, son!"

10. A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: WIFE WANTED. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: YOU CAN HAVE MINE.

11. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

12. First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

13. How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

14. Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

15. If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

16. Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

17. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying!"

As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female(e.g., "Steady as she goes" or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!")

Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:

Five reasons to believe computers are female:
---------------------------------------------
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."

4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

However, another group of computer scientists, (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow:

Five reasons to believe computers are male:
-------------------------------------------
1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philsopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"

The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."

"Hello. Tech Support; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared." "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing.""Nothing?""It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

[Uh-oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.] "Can you see the C:\prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

[Uh-huh, thought so. Let's try a different tack.]

"Never mind.Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

[Ah--at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if s/he's kicked out his/hermonitor's power plug.]

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know.""Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the
power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

[sound of rustling and jostling] [muffled] "Yes, I think so."

"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's pluggedinto the wall."

[pause] "Yes, it is."

[Hmm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt s/he would haveaccidentally turned it off, and I don't want to send him/her hunting for the power switch because I don't know what kind of monitor s/he has and it's bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.]

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No.""Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."[muffled]

"Okay, here it is.""Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

[still muffled] "I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

[clear again] "No.""Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle --it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes--the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then.""I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power--!?!" ...[AAAAAAARGH!]"A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do youstill have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is.""Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

This is a compilation of actual student GCSE answers... (spelling left the way it was...)

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an
apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"

3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients.
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

4. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose
of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled thebiscuits, and threw the java.

9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.

10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was
going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

13. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.

14. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

15. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all
shouted "hurrah."

16. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important
invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started
smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

17. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

18. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

19. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbuswas a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about
the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.

20. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the
settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

21. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their
parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from
the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of
the declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided
against itself cannot stand.". Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

22. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people
enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

23. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.
Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

24. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called
Candy.

25. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.

26. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and hada large number of children. In between he practiced on an old
spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 tothe present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and
so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and halfEnglish. He was very large.

27. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was sodeaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

28. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit
his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't haveany children.

29. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.

30. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years.

.

.

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language
during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. Wedo however realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with
coworkers, therefore, a list of preferred new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can
continue in an effective manner without risk of offending ourmore sensitive employees.

PREFERRED: Perhaps I can work late.
OLD: When the fuck do you expect me to do this?

PREFERRED: I'm certain that is not feasible.
OLD: No fucking way.

PREFERRED: Really?
OLD: You've got to be shitting me.

PREFERRED: Perhaps you should check with ...
OLD: Tell someone who gives a shit.

PREFERRED: Of course I'm concerned.
OLD: Ask me if I give a shit.

PREFERRED: I wasn't involved in that project.
OLD: Its not my fucking problem.

PREFERRED: That's interesting behavior.
OLD: What the fuck?!

PREFERRED: I'm not sure I can implement this.
OLD: Fuck it, it won't work.

PREFERRED: I'll try to schedule that.
OLD: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner.

PREFERRED: Are you sure this is a problem.
OLD: Who the fuck cares.

PREFERRED: He's not familiar with the problem.
OLD: He's got his head up his ass.

PREFERRED: Excuse me sir?
OLD: Eat shit and die motherfucker.

PREFERRED: So you weren't happy with it?
OLD: Kiss my ass!

PREFERRED: I'm a bit overloaded at this moment.
OLD: Fuck it, I'm on salary.

PREFERRED: I don't think you understand.
OLD: Shove it up your ass.

PREFERRED: I love a challenge.
OLD: This job sucks.

PREFERRED: You want me to take care of that?
OLD: Who the hell died and made you boss.

PREFERRED: I see.
OLD: Blow me.

PREFERRED: Yes, we really should discuss it.
OLD: Another fucking meeting!

PREFERRED: I don't think this will be a problem.
OLD: I really don't give a shit.

PREFERRED: He's somewhat insensitive.
OLD: He's a fucking prick.

PREFERRED: She's an aggressive go getter
OLD: She's a ball busting bitch.

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate.

The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M.

The lawyer, now some what agitated ,says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches
in to her purse, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop
computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his coworkers and friends. All to no avail.

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really great about the result.

On his way home he stops at a news stand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29". "I am actually 47!" This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the
local university. The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted
and the student would fail. A half hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.

After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing.

A half hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." The student looked incredulous and angry.

"Do you know WHO I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor.

"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" The student asked again.

"No, and I don't care." Replied the professor with an air of superiority.

In a first grade class the teacher was teaching the five senses.

When the teacher got to the sense of taste, she had taste test for the students.

Steve was up first.

The teacher put a piece of orange in Steve's mouth and asked, "Okay Steve, what is it?"

Steve replied, "Oh that's easy! It's an
orange."

The teacher put a picece of apple in Steve's mouth and asked, "Okay Steve, what is it?"

Steve replied, "This is easy too! It's an apple."

The teacher then put a Hershe's Kiss chocolate in Steve's mouth and asked,
"What is it?"

Steve replied, "I'm not sure. I don't know."

The teacher gave Steve a clue, "It's something that mommy gives daddy every night
before she goes to bed."

All of a sudden Johny yells out from the back of the room, "Spit it out Steve!

1. Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, age 10

2. When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" Don't answer him. - Michael, 14

3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working. - Michael, 14

4. Stay away from prunes. - Randy, 9

5. Never pee on an electric fence. - Robert, 13

6. Don't squat with your spurs on. - Noronha, 13

7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. - Emily, 10

8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. - Taylia, 11

9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. - Traci, 14

10. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. - Kyoyo, 9

11. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. - Armir, 9

12. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. - Lauren, 9

13. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. - Joel, 10

14. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. - Alyesha, 13

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from students, it will be our policy to keep all students well taughtthrough our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T.).

We are trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the course, pleasesee your lecturer. You will be immediately placed at the top of the
S.H.I.T. list, and our lecturers are especially skilled at seeing that you
get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Students who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EDUCATIONAL EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.).

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our lecturers took S.H.I.T. before they graduated, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore,and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).

For students who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.). This course emphasizes how to
manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,

BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

PS. Now send this S.H.I.T. to 5 people who need S.H.I.T. in their life,just not the same person who sent you this S.H.I.T., they have already hadtheir fill of S.H.I.T.

Thank You for your time.